March 23, 2005

Guess and Guess Again

My frickin’ family. YES, they read my blog.

My sister lives in Atlanta and as I said earlier, she is coming to visit for the weekend. She stopped by my folk’s house to drop off her cat (I have one son allergic to cats and we have a hamster, so cat stays away) and then made her way down here. While stopping at my parent’s house, it seems my folks decided they were going to unload MORE stuff from their home and have her cart it down to me.


They’ve been in his unload mode lately and I have to say… it’s getting old.

So far I know I am getting my prom dress from my Junior Prom, 1982 (if I can get my scanner to work, I’ll scan in a picture of said dress), a box of my grandmother’s 150 year old Bavarian China (I’m cool with that), a meat slicer (more on that), and a box… of mystery stuff. My damn sister won’t tell me what’s in the box. She calls me just now, while on the road, taunting me. You know the Eddie Murphy stand up routine where he plays the kid with ice cream, “I got some iiiiice creaaaam”? And he dances and sings and taunts. Well…. She was doing this to me in her car, but it was “You gottt a booooox!”


She stops in Tallahassee to see her old roommate from college. Her roommate looks in the back of the car and says, “Is that? Is that? Is that a … meat slicer?” “” comes the reply from my nasty little sister. “It is going to D.”

When she told me I was getting a meat slicer, I yelled, “Why in the hell am I getting the meat slicer? Why don’t YOU have the meat slicer?!”

Morrigan said, “Mom said,’well, you know, she has a big family now. She can cut her own meat.’”

Wha?! I shouted at my sister, ‘Oh no no no no, that just means I go to Publix and ASK FOR A FULL POUND OF SLICED MEAT INSTEAD OF A ¼ POUND!” GRRR!

Then I said, “Wait, how old is this damn meat slicer? If I’m 39, and I remember it from High School, it’s gotta be at least 22 years old.”

Morrigan replies, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s the color of the 70s. As far as we know.., THEY GOT IT AS A WEDDING GIFT!!! HAHAHAHA! And it’s YOURS, ALL YOURS!!!!” as she laughs hysterically. Damn wench. (Turns out my grandfather gave it to them one Christmas… but nobody remembers what year…)

A little background info on my family, we have this ‘tradition’ where there are certain items that get hidden from family member to family member. There is this really frickin’ scary Indian doll The Great Omnipotent One played with as a kid that gets hidden in people’s suit cases or in their homes when someone visits. For a long time, a pink plastic flamingo kept getting passed from yard to yard. One year it was a corn pone, that TGOO then encased in plastic as it started to mold while being passed. Then another year it was a peep. I think you catch the tradition here.

So I said to my sister, “I’m packing this meat slicer back in your car before you leave and you can hide it back in their house when you get your cat!”

“Oh no you don’t,” she says, “This huge meat slicer is NOT going to end up like that corn pone or that peep!”

I’m hollering at her again about where in the hell I’m going to put this damn meat slicer and telling her she BETTER tell me what’s in that damn box. She’s laughing saying, “Oh and I don’t even THINK they make meat slicers like this anymore, my friend. Oh no no no. They’re probably considered dangerous and took them off the market. And its yours.” Imitating my mother she is saying, ‘You have a big family now, you can slice your own meat!’

So I have no damn clue what is in this mystery box. She says there is no way I can guess and she cannot wait to see my face.

I guessed, “Love letters from an old boyfriend?” “Wrong. You aren’t even warm.”

“The old vomit bucket from when we were kids? The old blue plastic bucket you threw up potatoes in when we moved from Michigan in 1986?” “Wrong. Mom kept the vomit bucket.”

Finally I said, “What does Dad think about all this? The fact Mom is giving me the old meat slicer? Is he more like ‘Get it the hell out of my house?’” “Exactly”, came the reply.

All I know is, she is 3 hours away. Three hours and I am wondering… what is in that daggum box?

My frickin’ family…. GRRR. BTW, my sister says I can’t post the answer until tomorrow.

Posted by Boudicca at March 23, 2005 04:30 PM

ROFLMAO!! You two crack me up! I can't wait to hear what's in there. I can see where Morrigan get's her pack rattiness from!!

Maybe you can take the meat slicer to the Antique Roadshow??? Then your parents would realy be sorry ;-)

You two have fun and behave...wait, nevermind...I want good stories!!

Posted by: Sissy at March 23, 2005 05:11 PM

The whole lot of them are a pain in my butt, Sissy. My brother just called my Dad so he could find out what's in the damn box so I'd be 'the last to know'. Jerk. He's sending me taunting e-mail, "I know what's in the box! heh heh heh'. Jerk.

Posted by: Boudicca at March 23, 2005 05:18 PM

Awww man, I'd love a meat slicer! I'd slice.... meat with it... yeah! If you're mother is like my mother, the box is filled with all kinds of crap you made as a kid. That's what my mother sent home with me one time, that and a promise to never throw it out.

Posted by: contagion at March 23, 2005 05:23 PM

I think I got that box already, Contagion. I find out in an hour...

Posted by: Boudicca at March 23, 2005 05:43 PM

Let's hope that box doesn't contain any nasty surprises like at the end of the movie Seven. You didn't have any boyfriends go mysteriously missing did you?

Sorry, in morbid frame of mind today :)

Posted by: amanda at March 23, 2005 06:05 PM

oh this post is so funny! I can't wait to hear what's in the box!!

Posted by: oddybobo at March 23, 2005 06:07 PM

Ack! Amanda, I HATED that movie! I was screaming at the TV (I saw it at home), "NO!!!!" Blech.

Nope, no heads of old boyfriends... although I can think of a couple that it maybe might've should've happened to... :)

Posted by: Boudicca at March 23, 2005 06:26 PM

That scene in the Addams Family movie comes to mind...

(Pulls out duffel bag) "Uncle Chester's summer wardrobe..."
(Pulls out second bag) "Uncle Chester's winter wardrobe..."
(Pulls out third) "Uncle Chester...."

Posted by: Graumagus at March 23, 2005 07:33 PM

What are your family rules on disposal? Must the slicer be kept until passed to another family member? If so it'll make a wonderful Christmas present for a certain Georgian sister...

And if not, eBay it. Something that old will be worth something to somebody out there. Hell, they pay thousands for frikken burnt cheese sandwiches.

Posted by: Jim at March 24, 2005 06:06 AM

Yes, Jim, but I cannot see the face of the Virgin Mary in my meat slicer. If I could, then I could get thousands!

Posted by: Boudicca at March 24, 2005 09:53 AM

Heh... re: your family tradition of hiding things in each other's belongings... my husband's family does the same thing, mostly with a Jack in the Box "Holiday Jack" antenna ball. It has shown up in some innnnnteresting places, including on the straw of a beverage delivered to our table at Chili's on someone's birthday. Fun!

Posted by: songstress7 at March 24, 2005 12:53 PM