March 26, 2005

Pigtails Don't Make You My Daughter

One of the meat guys in the meat department at Publix thought he had to break up a fight today. That’s not what happened.

I have all of my husband’s family coming over for dinner tonight and tomorrow night. I decided to make a turkey for tonight as I just got this turkey roaster and I figured it would be easy. Throw the turkey in, plug it in, let it cook. No sweat.

So we walk in Publix and my sister says, “Why are we not grilling out? Just hamburgers and hotdogs, that would be so easy.” I replied, “Because we’re having turkey. Any left over we can have for sandwiches tomorrow for lunch.”

We wander through Publix and get to the meat section where I’m picking up ground beef for my husband to make meatballs for his lasagna tomorrow. She looks at me and says, “Why are we not grilling out? I don’t get this. It would be so much easier than cooking a turkey.”

At that point, I’m laughing because she won’t let it go and because she is reminding me of my kids, “why, Mom, why? Huh? Huh? Huh? Why, Mom, huh?” So jokingly, I turned around, my eyes narrowed, brow furrowed, lips closed tight with a low growl coming from my throat, and I grab both her shoulders with a light shake and say, “Because we’re having Turkey!”

She’s laughing, she can tell I’m joking, but… the meat man can’t. Suddenly this 6’ tall, 25 year old man/boy, who probably really doesn't look as if he shaves, comes up to us and says, “Can I help you find something?” Heh. He’s probably been instructed, “Women fight in the meat department, you have to break it up before they start throwing hamburger meat at one another.”

Morrigan and I immediately look UP (we’re short) and said, eyes wide open innocent, simultaneously, “Heh. No, we’ve got everything thank you!”

Now this is where she’s a wench. See, a year and a half ago, she and I were in the gym near my folk’s house. We’re doing shoulders and SHE STACKS THE WEIGHT on the shoulder press. I think it’s heavy and I’m in pretty good shape, but she’s cool. It’s my turn and I’m banging out my 15 reps as she stretches her shoulder, and she dislocates it, nearly passing out. Well, they don’t like it when you pass out in a gym, so I get her keys and tell her we’ve got to get to the car. As good luck would have it, a good friend of mine from high school was in the gym working out and saw this happen (I didn’t know he was there) and came over to us. He’s a surgical nurse for this GREAT orthopede in town. He makes a couple calls and we’re in like Flynn with this orthopede, the next day.

I, for some reason am shouldering some of the blame in this incident because a) I am older and b) because I showed her the stretch I do and that’s what she was doing when she dislocated it, so I went with her to the doctor’s appointment. We walk up to the desk, keep in mind, some people think we look very much alike, and the front desk chick says, “Oh, are you mother and daughter?”

Blank stare from me, my sister laughs and says, “Why yes, she's had tremendous amounts of plastic surgery.” Now, when this comes up, as it frequently does she jokes, “Yeah, she had me when she was 10” and I hiss back, “SIX!!! I’m only SIX years older than you!”

OK, now back to Publix today, she has her hair in pigtails. So she says to me after meat man/boy leaves, “I bet he thought I was your daughter. He was thinking, “That Mom is about to beat the sh** out of her daughter.”"

I’m yelling, “HE DID NOT THINK YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER! YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE MY DAUGHTER!” to which she quietly says, “Oh yes. From a distance, with my pigtails, he probably thought I was your daughter and you were about to pound me.”

Nice, eh? Wench.

Posted by Boudicca at March 26, 2005 10:38 PM

A certain blog dad-pa of mine and I where going into a local stri.... bar (looking innocent) when we were carded. The bouncer then proceded to ask if we where having a father/son night out, implying that Graumag... er a certain blog dad-pa of mine was my real life father. To which he replied along the lines of a strong "Hell no" I followed after him asking, "Dad, why do you forsake me?" kind of loudly. He, to this day, did not find that as amusing as I did.

Posted by: contagion at March 27, 2005 12:11 AM

Give her hell Bou!!

Posted by: Sissy at March 27, 2005 12:15 AM

Oh...and they don't think you are Morrigan's mom because you look's because she looks like she's 12!!!

Posted by: Sissy at March 27, 2005 12:22 AM

Every time my sister and I are out together we get "Oh are you two twins" we reply no and then we get while pointing at my sister "oh then she is the older one" I laugh and reply no I am by 18 months.

Ok, now 18 months isn't that far apart so a mistake could be made.

But she is a natural blond, has 3 inches in height on me and is as skinny as a board.
While I am 3 inches shorter than her, natural dark brown hair and have a lot of curves.

We just don't get it, but she does look older than me so we understand that. Most people guess 30 for my age, and well I'm not near 30.

Posted by: Machelle at March 27, 2005 09:22 AM

At that point, I would have 'pounded' her; a "mild" punch in the stomach would have stopped the chortling...But that's just me! :)

Posted by: TNT at March 27, 2005 10:22 AM

What the hell is a 33 year old woman doing wearing pigtails? I thought that there was a law against wearing them after puberty?

Posted by: Harvey at March 27, 2005 11:33 AM

Man, there's something wrong with me.
This post totally invoked naughty thoughts :P
Maybe it was the whole younger sister in pigtails thing, I dono.

Posted by: S at March 27, 2005 12:48 PM

Harvey- I wear them like Daisy Duke not on the top of my head.I have very wild curly hair and pigtails are cute.
Bou- perhaps you will think twice before trying to beat the sh*t out of a girl with pigtails at Publix. ;o)

Posted by: Morrigan at March 27, 2005 09:10 PM

Ok, I'm with S., but I added a catholic girls school skirt to the image....

Oh, and Contagion? (Gives the finger) hehehehe

Posted by: Graumagus at March 28, 2005 12:57 PM

Harv- It's the beach thing. She does look cute. All the men think so. I think it is along the lines of Grau and S. though. *Shudder* We're talking about my kid sister here! Easy, guys, EASY!!!

Posted by: Boudicca at March 28, 2005 04:43 PM

See, at least I had *some* respect, and left off the part about the Catholic schoolgirl uniform.
Not saying the image wasn't there - just that I had enough respect not to bring it up to her big sister :P

Posted by: S at March 28, 2005 09:14 PM

Heheh, Bou's read me long enough to know that that's pretty much pure innocence, rainbows, and puppy dogs coming from me :)

Posted by: Graumagus at March 29, 2005 01:57 AM