April 29, 2005

Many Stories to Create One

Where to start. Where to start.

We took the boys for pizza tonight. I heard a story I had not heard, one that occurred on Sunday, and then it went from there…

My boys are deathly afraid of dogs. Deathly. Of all dogs. Big and small. Puppies and dogs. There are many things to blame it on, but the vast majority of the blame falls squarely on my brother in law and his wife and the fact they were completely incapable of training their dogs, thereby having this piece of shit genetic mutant Yorkie that barked, jumped relentlessly and snapped all the time, and a big Norwegian Elkhound who felt the need to compete with said POS Yorkie, and so she barked all the time too… except her bark is deep and scary.

POS Yorkie finally died. Good damn riddance. I’m talking to them on the phone when it happened and they are so upset, and I tried, I really really tried, to be upset. And I kind of was. For them. They were sad. But… let me make it perfectly clear, I HATED that dog and I do not miss it. At all. Not once. That POS had not one redeeming quality.

Now, I married into an Italian family, which means we go to each others homes for Sunday dinner. Over the last 10 years, those dogs have scared the ever living crap out of my kids. The loud growling and barking, the jumping and snapping at their faces by the POS Yorkie. The dogs got put away, but still, the damage was done.

Now that POS Yorkie is dead, hopefully rotting in doggie hell, the Elkhound has calmed down considerably. But… as I said, the damage is done.

So this past Sunday, my husband took my boys and their best friend to Mass. If you recall, for 1st Holy Communion, my 2nd son asked that their best friend be able to spend the night. Their best friend is like a 4th son to me. No kidding. It’s nothing for me to take the 4 boys. I love him like my own. So my husband takes them all to Mass the next morning.

They are walking in the parking lot and a man with a small yellow lab puppy is walking in the parking lot, puppy on leash. The pup was probably about 8-10 weeks old. The man accidentally drops the leash, and the puppy CASUALLY starts to stroll next to my boys, his tail wagging his whole body. My two younger boys have grabbed onto their Daddy’s hands, but my older (I know I shouldn’t laugh) is so overcome with fear, he JUMPS into some bushes. And gets stuck. His clothes are stuck in the bushes.

Now their friend is watching all this. And he’s saying to my eldest, laughing hysterically, as my eldest is trying to get himself unstuck from the bushes, “I don’t get it. What are you afraid of? IT’S A PUPPY!!!!”

I’m hearing this story at the table, and my husband and two younger boys are laughing at my eldest. I am laughing. My eldest is looking sheepishly at me, grinning, but kind of embarrassed. Hey, this stuff happens in families. You get laughed at for stupid stuff…

But being that he has such a great sense of humor… the entire story starts turning into a joke.

Background on this story joke: we always talk about ‘the bad people’. These are people who do bad things to children. We run through scenarios. “What do you do if a stranger offers you candy or asks you to come to their car to see their puppy?”

The funny thing is, I just found out that Son#2 actually thought that they offer you candy because the candy is laced with poison and that puts you to sleep, and then they drag you off in the car.

I finally said to him today, “Sweetheart, you are a little guy, you weigh 47lbs. If they want to throw you in that car, they don’t need to drug you with poison candy. They’ll just pick you up and throw your ass in the car. They’re using the candy or anything else they can think of to get you CLOSE ENOUGH!”

Heh. Poison sleeping candy. Go figure.

OK, so flash forward to tonight and the ‘scared of the puppy’ story. Somehow the two older boys are talking about bad people and my eldest says to my middle son, “Hey little boy, want to come to my car for candy or to see my puppy?”

My middle son feigns horror and replies, “Oh no!!! Not the puppy!!!”

Now, I’m laughing my ass off. And they keep this going, on and on, the scenario is getting larger and they're laughing hysterically, and next thing I know… my middle son, the one with the weak stomach, has swallowed Sprite down the wrong pipe and is choking on that as well as the mouthful of Sprite he had.

He’s coughing harder and harder and suddenly he starts to vomit. (Thank God we hadn’t had pizza yet. Remember last time we ate pizza? I’m thinking pizza is bad…) Sprite is being hurled on our table when… it starts to come out his nose.

And I don’t mean a little bit… it appears to be a lot, and it’s coming out FIZZY! Soda is coming out of his nose like soda spraying out of a shaken up coke can! I’m watching in horror, my husband is catching it in his hands. I’m throwing napkins. It stops. He is fine.

It was amazing. I had no idea coke sprayed like that 2nd time around and out a nose to boot.

On a lighter note, his sinuses are clean and he is breathing very clearly... I would say, all and all, it was a pretty light and lively dinner.

Posted by Boudicca at April 29, 2005 10:39 PM

OMG!! I have a feeling others will be spewing coke out of their noses when reading this too. I didn't spew coke, but it did get rid of those damn hiccups I've had for the past 30 minutes.

"so overcome with fear, he JUMPS into some bushes" HAHAHAHHA

Posted by: Sissy at April 29, 2005 11:01 PM

I am still laughing!!!!

Posted by: Amy at April 29, 2005 11:52 PM

LOL! What a story. I can still hear you telling it in 10 years!

Nice to know they aren't terrified of my 140 pound dog... considering what they have been through.

Posted by: vw bug at April 30, 2005 07:14 AM

This is a story you will get to use over and over again, especially once he starts dating... because EVERY girlfriend will have to hear this story!

I'm a mean dad. :)

Posted by: Contagion at April 30, 2005 09:30 AM

I could not stop laughing! I actually started to choke myself! At least they can all laugh about it as a family. Those a memories they will always cherish.

Posted by: oddybobo at April 30, 2005 10:08 AM

I'm pretty good at the sprite-out-the-nose trick myself. Usually sprite works best.

I'm glad it turned into a fun evening :)

Posted by: caltechgirl at April 30, 2005 10:51 AM

This one has all the needed ingredients: nose spew (rabid) puppies and pizza! Oh my! Let's see... your boys in a Sprite commercial:

"Here, Cujo!"

"Cut! Cut! No, no, no! You're supposed to /drink/ the Sprite!"

But seriously, folks, laughing at it now (and for years to come) may provide a lil antedote to the dog exposure earlier.

POS dogs? Don't even... "neighbor" thought his pit bull was the bomb, until I handed it back to him one day (holding by the scruff of the neck) with the warning that I was off to get my 30-30, and when I came back the dog'd better be GONE... Stray or nuisance dogs are called "target practice" in my house (and yes, we have two WELL-BEHAVED dogs who are fenced or leashed at all times).

One small advantage to living in America's Third World County™... although there are no Vietnamese restaurants to sell the meat to.

Posted by: David at April 30, 2005 11:01 AM

LOL... great one - thanks for sharing!

Posted by: songstress7 at April 30, 2005 12:31 PM

I remember thinking that people who wanted to take children away from their parents were kindly souls desperately seeking kids to love and look after.

How innocent..

Posted by: Sally at April 30, 2005 04:33 PM

Are they afraid of horses? I can put the saddle on horse-dog Jake and they won't know he's an evil puppy :-)

Posted by: Harvey at May 1, 2005 11:15 AM

My life is so boring compared to yours!
What a bunch of great stories!

Posted by: Beth at May 14, 2005 11:03 PM