July 31, 2005

The Street Master

I was going to post this last night in honor of the blog crawl, but ended up not posting. It’s crude and a little more edgy than you would expect from my blog. Some of you know this story…

It was just before my 20th birthday and I had come up for the summer to visit my parents, who were then living in Ann Arbor, MI. Through the summer I worked at a great Chinese restaurant, waiting tables and doing some light bartending when the bartender was out. I ended up dating the owner’s son, which is a whole other story, but it became very obvious to everyone, early on, that I was very naïve. At 19, 1 month short of my 20th, I was still a virgin.

I wasn’t exactly frigid… OK, maybe I was… but it wasn’t a ‘save yourself for marriage’ thing as much as I always felt kind of geeky and that guys in general never viewed me as anything other than sister/friend... as I’ve ALWAYS had guy friends. I’m that girl next door… the girl guys want to take home to meet Mom. Even now, as an adult, all the guys I know view me as a sister/friend/niece/daughter/mother type figure. I seem to encompass all those feminine roles in their minds… but my sexuality has never really come into play with them, which as a married woman I am GREAT with. Being single, it kinda stunk. I’m not a head turning kinda gal. In college, I was the smart girl in Partial Differential Equations that felt if she just played her cards right… some guy would eventually notice and be interested, in other than studying and talking heat transfer theory. In college, most guys seemed to be about getting laid. That wasn’t my game. I had a future to ensure and didn’t have time for nonsense.

Add to the fact that I’ve just always hung with guys. I’m very comfortable with them, and they have always appeared to be with me. Perhaps it is my left brainedness… I do not know.

So I was a self conscious young adult and the type that needed guidance to get through my awkwardness as to what had become of my body… I went from looking like one of the guys at 13 to suddenly being stuck in a woman’s body at 16… a transition I had great difficulty with, and I had not met that guy I felt that comfortable with yet. (That happened a year later at 21 and I really did think I was going to marry him.)

Back to my summer job… the folks I worked with were GREAT people, but thought my naiveté was an absolute scream and they decided that for my going away bash, we would all hook up and go to the strip joints in Windsor, Canada. For those who don’t know, it’s only about an hour drive. And in Windsor, as opposed to strip joints in Ann Arbor, they don’t have to wear any clothes. NOTHING. Buck nekkid they get.

Off we went, guys in one car, gals in the other… keeping in mind that in the US I was considered a minor and unable to drink, so my co-workers, although enjoying the thought of this trip immensely, were keeping an eye on me. The deal was… the guys went to their strip joint, and the gals were to go to a Ladies’ Club… all for 2 hours, we set our watches, and then there was a restaurant we were to meet for dinner after. A Chinese restaurant, no less.

Obviously, they had done this before.

We wimmin folk arrived at our destination and let me tell you… those men were wearing no clothes. I tried to take it in stride, but it was just weird, my friends, to be sitting there, completely clad… and they… just… weren’t and besides… everything truly does come in all shapes and sizes. Amazed and astonished I was.

Now the women I was with, to give you a clear picture, two were pregnant, one bartender (the one I subbed for), and there were a couple waitresses. Where the guys were all Asian, we were half and half… actually, we women were mainly Caucasian. The pregnant women were the ones looking out for me. If they weren’t channeling Motherhood through their pregnancy, I brought it out in them… and one of them was my age.

They had me put money in a G string… the guys had to wear something every now and then to collect money. Blech. I did hate that.

And they hired me a lap dance. That was completely awful. I spent the whole time looking AT HIS FACE, thinking, ‘Does your Mama know you do this for a living?”

But the highlight… oh yes there was one… was one of the stage performances. The Street Master was his name.

Now I had heard the same rumors as all the other women, that black men are ‘bigger’ than other races. I always viewed that as racist and a bunch of bunk, paying no mind. I still do. However, the Street Master was a black man and when he walked out, if one data point proved a theory, he was the proof.

Holy crap, I think I jumped back in my seat 3 feet and a small muffled scream was emitted from my open speechless mouth, for the man… was… a foot long. I kid you not, it hung down to his knees. It was fully extended, leading me to believe that in it’s ‘flaccid’ state, it must’ve looked like a black garden snake… except… for it’s girth.

Folks, that is what freaked me most… I swear to you, it had to be 3 inches in diameter.

It was like a train wreck. A bad train wreck. As much as I was completely horrified, and found myself sitting with my legs crossed, every lower body muscle clenched, I could not quit staring. And the women around me… felt the same way. I thought at first I must’ve been a prude to have the reaction I did, but the pregnant woman next to me, her face was frozen in a shocked state, said to all of us, ‘There’s no way in hell I’d let him touch me with that thing.”

And there you have it. My very first data point to prove the saying I quote quite often: Less is more.

Well… with the exception of my writing…

Posted by Boudicca at July 31, 2005 07:50 PM | TrackBack

Note to self: Holiday gatherings around the dining room table are no longer the only place to find out the well kept secrets from the rents...READ blogs!

Posted by: bou's mom at July 31, 2005 08:13 PM

Ack! I thought you knew this story! Everyone knows this story!!!

Posted by: Bou at July 31, 2005 08:17 PM


I can just see the look on your face!

Yea, try being dragged to a strip joint by a female coworker (married), a male coworker and your male boss! Drinks were cheap! That's about the extent of my enjoyment.

Posted by: Sissy at July 31, 2005 08:30 PM

Well, Bou, she knows now. That worked out rather well, didn't it? ;)

Posted by: That 1 Guy at July 31, 2005 09:02 PM

T1G, Don't you know it. Crap. At least she doesn't have to worry about it coming out as conversation over Thanksgiving Dinner. Can you picture it? Me, the spouse, my folks, Mo, TN and the boys and my saying, "Hey. Did I ever tell y'all about the Street Master?" Yeah. Not cool.

Obviously we're a pretty open family or I wouldn't have thought she knew... *shaking my head*

Posted by: Bou at July 31, 2005 09:06 PM

ummmm no Bou, we ALL don't know this story. I was in the 9th grade then.

Posted by: Morrigan at July 31, 2005 10:59 PM

"I’m not a head turning kinda gal."

Calling bullshit on that one.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go sit in a corner for a while and feel inadequate... :-(

Posted by: Harvey at August 1, 2005 12:25 AM

I would have loved to have seen the look on your face when he whiped out that anaconda.

Now I'm going to go join Harvey.

Posted by: Contagion at August 1, 2005 08:00 AM

Oh my word! I think I saw someone just like that at a joint in Philadelphia!

Posted by: Oddybobo at August 1, 2005 08:52 AM

If you don't mind me asking, what restuarant was it?

Cause your only a year or two older than me, and Ann Arbor during the summer was the place to be.

I bet we have passed each other by at some point in time.

Posted by: Machelle at August 1, 2005 09:16 AM

"Less is more."

Surely there is an irreducible minimum... There must surely be a point at which "less" would be... inadequate.

Posted by: David at August 1, 2005 09:31 AM

Blech. No feelings of inadquacies over THAT. Holy crap. Scary Monsters.

Machelle- I e-mailed you.

David- Well, ummm, I don't know. My sample pool is not very large... so I can't really...ummm... answer that. I guess. I just don't know what the size would be.

Mo- I just assumed I'd told you. Heh.

Posted by: Bou at August 1, 2005 09:38 AM

Great. Now you've gone and revealed Harvey's street name...

Posted by: Ogre at August 1, 2005 10:24 AM

Harv- You're wrong. Case in point. I was dating an engineer I worked with way back when, breaking the cardinal rule of don't date where you work (it all worked out... I introduced him to his now wife) when one day he told me that his best friend, also an engineer, came up to him and said, "You know, I never noticed her before. She probably has a cute body."

Oh, so much is wrong with that sentence. First, I hung out with his friend as he hung with all the guys I hung out with and he never noticed me. Second, what in the hell is a cute body? Third... the word Probably, as in he had not yet decided.


Ogre- Heh. I outted him, huh?

Posted by: Bou at August 1, 2005 01:16 PM

What a great story for a rainy, miserable Monday! I don't comment before coffee, but that was the highlight of my morning :-)

Posted by: Sally at August 1, 2005 04:06 PM

Bou - the engineer is either blind or utterly without taste.

I've seen you. You're tasty ;-)

Posted by: Harvey at August 1, 2005 06:25 PM

What a great story! A note on male strippers: leaving something to the imagination is better!

Posted by: Jen H at August 1, 2005 08:25 PM