August 04, 2005

My First Class Ticket to Hell

I got an e-mail from a local reader of mine who I’ve gotten to know pretty well. He said to me he feels bad now that he’s gotten to know me as he can’t wish all those hurricanes up into the Panhandle… my folks live there. I had to laugh.


We all do that. We wish it elsewhere. And I’m stuck now as I know too many people in too many places. I know people in every part of FL, so I can’t wish it anywhere away from me in this state. (Just look at my FL Blogger blogroll and you can see…) I know people in S.C. as I spent a lot of time at Charleston AFB. I know what Hugo did. And blog daughter Sissy lives there. So I can’t wish it there. I can’t wish it into Georgia as my best friend from high school and my sister live in Atlanta as well as Jim at Snooze Button Dreams. And North Carolina is out… Ogre’s up that way. And you just feel kind of bad wishing it anywhere… kind of… a little bit.

Of course the first thing you wish is ‘I wish it would just dissipate. Break up. Fall apart. Go away. Spin out into the ocean.’ That’s the first wish.

Then it starts barreling down on you and if it’s a Cat 1, you think, “This sucks.”

If it’s a Cat 2, you think, “Holy crap, this sucks.”

But then… the realization that it’s a 3 or a 4, or God forbid the Mother of all Hurricanes… a FIVE!, and you start praying, “Dear God. Please do not let it hit us. Let it hit… ‘insert name of other state/country here’.”

And as that 3, 4 or Dear God NO, Mother of all Hurricanes 5!, is really really coming at YOU, your prayers become a little more refined as you start thinking things like, “OK… maybe you can take out ‘insert name of town that is an hour away here’. Just don’t let it hit me.”

It is truly amazing how selfish one can become. Oh trust me, you are empathetic as your neighbor takes the beating… really, you are… but it’s as a bystander and a ‘Wow… let me help them… let me donate money to Red Cross… let me take them ice…Wow… I’m glad that wasn’t me.”

It’s true. I’m telling you… it is oh so true. Are you from Mobile? Well, you’re about to hate me because let me tell you something… as Dennis was hurling itself at my folks in Pensacola after the disaster that is yet to be recovered from called Ivan, I was praying, “Let it hit Mobile.” Oh.Yes.I.Was. Selfish bitch that I am.

It was an inevitability. Someone was about to get spanked. I just didn’t want it to be my family.

So I kind of picture my Judgment Day going something like this. In my hands I have two tickets. One is my ticket to Heaven and the other to Hell. Each has been punched every time I’ve done something good and every time I’ve done something bad. And the good ticket has just a couple holes and the ticket to hell is all ratty… the holes are labeled explaining the good deed or offense on each ticket.

Lord: What is up with this ticket to hell? I don’t seem to recall your murdering, raping, or pillaging.

Me: Oh. Those are hurricane wishes. All the times I wished those big ones on someone else.

Lord: Holy crap! (my Lord would say that) I remember them, but sooo many!

Me: Yeah, that would be the years 2004-2006. I remember them well. During Frances, when we were going to get hammered, I wished it on Fort Pierce and Stuart. During Jeanne, during the repeat performance, I wished it on Boca Raton and south. I felt like it was their turn. And during Ivan… I wished that on Alabama and/or Mississippi. Anywhere West in Alabama or in Mississippi as Florida had already taken hits with Charley and Frances. It just seemed ‘fair’. Mobile wasn’t far enough away. Oh and Dennis. I wished that on Mississippi and Alabama too. You aren’t a ‘Bama or Ole’ Miss fan are you? Yeah. Sorry.” (Sidenote: My Lord also likes southern football…but I think he may be partial to the ‘Noles. Just sayin’…)

Lord: What’s with this one single lone hole in the Heaven Ticket? It says Ivan too. I don’t remember that one…

Me: Oh that was when I said to myself, “Dear God, please don’t let New Orleans get hit with Ivan. They don’t have enough body bags…” I decided I’d rather take the hit than have one that big travel up the Mississippi river. New Orleans is nothing but a big bowl. I guess I got a punch in the good ticket for that one.

Yeah. If hurricane season is an indicator on where I’m spending eternity… I got me a first class ticket to hell, folks. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I’m there.

Posted by Boudicca at August 4, 2005 09:16 PM | TrackBack

Don't worry, I'll save you a seat by the fire. *G*

Posted by: Laughing Wolf at August 4, 2005 09:29 PM

You'll be fine. Of course only if you are forgiven for thinkin' He's a "Noles fan". Everybody knows he's a Notre Dame fan silly!


Posted by: Tammi at August 4, 2005 09:34 PM

LW will be stokin' that fire... Heh.

Tammi... I don't know. I think just about any Southern ball program thinks God is their biggest fan! LOL!

Posted by: Bou at August 4, 2005 09:50 PM

LMAO!! Hmmm, my tickets may look a little similar! I'm not sure I'd want God to ask me what my punches in my "hell ticket" were for though! Nothing illegal...but nothing I'd want to share! :-P

Posted by: Sissy at August 4, 2005 10:09 PM

If wishing storms on someone else is the worst thing you ever did, you're in GREAT shape.

But NOLES???? Try Gators, my friend.

And check out (shamless plug alert) for a story saying the Navy recorded waves in the Gulf during Ivan at 91 feet and "estimated' there were some up to 130 feet. Fortunately, the gulf is shallow and the waves break up well before hitting shore, but they damaged a bunch of oil rigs and pipelines.

Posted by: George at August 4, 2005 10:39 PM

George- I was waiting for a Gator fan!!! ;-) Plug away for the Post. I'll be waiting for the article. The only reason I don't put links to their articles is I'm not allowed. Otherwise I'd have them linked to all sorts of things I've written.

As for wave height, there is no doubt in my mind, my friend. There were homes in Grande Lagoon that COMPLETELY disappeared. No home, no foundation, no paperclip... no evidence they EVER existed, after Ivan. None, zippo, zilch. Breaking up or not, those were big waves that hit those homes... and those that stayed, died.

Posted by: Bou at August 4, 2005 10:47 PM

If it will help, wish the hurricanes on me!

Course now, with my luck, it'll happen! ;)

Posted by: That 1 Guy at August 4, 2005 11:32 PM

Say... did you send a lightning strike to a transformer in Wisconsin recently? :-)

Posted by: Harvey at August 5, 2005 02:21 AM

You know, if this is something you think you deserve hell for, well, umm....I'm screwed.

Posted by: littlejoe at August 5, 2005 05:54 AM

T1G!! What the HELL are you saying!!! No Hurricanes was one of the things I was grateful for up here!! ok, ok, ok, batteries, water, canned goods......*mutter mutter* :-)

Posted by: Tammi at August 5, 2005 07:24 AM

Damn, T1G beat me to it... I'll take a couple of hurricanes up here. Hell when we received the reminants of Dennis it was the most rain we've received all year. It looks like we are living in the serengeti up here.

However I do have to agree with everyone else, if this is the worse thing you've done... and your going to hell for it, then I really am driving the charter bus of souls heading down.

Posted by: Contagion at August 5, 2005 08:35 AM

Man oh Man, Ya'll are all wrong.

God is a Michigan Fan.

Close arguement cause Bo will be seated at his right hand.

Posted by: Machelle at August 5, 2005 08:50 AM

Is that like the airplane babies? LOL!

Okay, who has the icewater concession down here? Bet it's Harvey... ;)

Posted by: pam at August 5, 2005 11:57 AM