December 04, 2005

Bou's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I thought I’d put together my wish list, having gone through Toys R Us with my boys a few weeks ago and listening to theirs. Of course I have the wish for general health and well being of my boys and family, this is going to be more of a selfish list. One for me.

1.) I’d like chocolate to be calorie free. I need to be able to sit down and eat an entire pound of it and not gain any weight. Chocolate is pretty much what sees me through the bad times. I can only run so much, but I can eat chocolate nearly 24/7.

2.) 8 hours of continuous sleep. 10 is best, but I’ll settle for 8. I want to wake up in the same position I fell asleep in. And if you could do that for 3 nights straight, man oh man, I’d be forever grateful. Oh… and I don’t want to dream. I’m talking ‘dead to the world’ asleep. I’m tired of living another life at night in my dreams when I do sleep. Dreaming is highly overrated. Trust me. Especially when you die in them. Those suck.

3.) No more projects from school that require parental help or participation. I’m done with 5th, 3rd, and 1st grades. I don’t mind helping with homework, but these projects that require my assistance, no more of those please. I’m through with Johnny Appleseed, Indians, and experiments that require growing flowers with different plants listening to 4 different types of music to see which grows best.

4.) If my kids are going to whine, can you have them at least present me with cheese before they start? I prefer Brie. Warmed in crescent roll dough is awesome.

5.) No more clogged toilets. I’m really afraid that eventually Bones is going to win out on this need to ‘plunge the commode himself’ dealy, and I’m not ready for the aftermath. I’m fully expecting fecal particles flung upon my walls. As it is, his running through the house swinging the plunger, begging to help… it makes my skin crawl.

6.) No dead pets this year. $38 to euthanize a hamster, followed by a viewing, and full blown funeral has me pegged out on the dead pet meter. Although our Pet Cemetery is officially open, I see no need to use it this year. And if we do, do me a favor and make sure our new hamster just flat out doesn’t wake up. Let me save the cash, although next go round there will not be the embarrassment of randomly calling vets saying, “do you see hamsters???”

7) 10 – 15 lbs. Vanity weight I know. But effortlessly removed, as in, “I just wake up and it’s gone” would be a big damn bonus. Really big. Should I awaken with a flat tummy? Name your price and its yours. Really.

8) No hurricanes this next year. Surely you can do something about that. I’ve told my husband that in honor of the last two hurricane seasons, we should just find a random roofer every year for the rest of our lives and mail them a check for $3000 in a card that says, “Merry Christmas!” No more ‘canes. M’kay?

9) I would like the ability to be able to identify which child is standing at my bedside at 2AM. I am starting to feel like a really crappy Mom by awakening, eyes half shut and saying, “Wait. Before you start. Who are you?” Oh and I don’t want to wake up anymore, in a start, and look at my better half of 14 years and think, “Who is this man and why is he in my bed?” It creeps him out. And while I’m at it… this year… I don’t want to wake up, take a shower, get dressed and look at the clock realizing its only 1:30. AM. It happened too many times this year. No more for next year, if you can swing it.

10) And for this upcoming year, I would be ever so appreciative if my homestead could be skipped on the whole ‘stomach virus’ routine. After 10 years of it, I’m pretty much worn out. I think skipping The House of Bou JUST ONE YEAR, is OK in the play book. Take a look. I’m sure it’s in the fine print there somewhere. The pizza stain from this year’s episode was never fully removed from the white carpet in my bedroom. There is still a shadow on the same carpet from a virus that commenced after a chocolate cake birthday party… Chocolate cake puke doesn’t come out any easier than pizza puke. Now, don’t get me wrong, I FULLY APPRECIATE that *I* haven’t caught any of these viruses in 3 years… but skipping all the boys, phew, I don’t know what to say. It would be beyond gratitude.

Thank you for looking at my list. I know, you probably can’t control any of this, but if you can, I’d be ever so grateful. And I think you’ll see overall, I’ve been pretty good. I haven’t strangled my customer at work or even said anything that would reflect poorly upon my company. The impure thoughts I’ve had…OK. Well assuming you read minds, you know it could have been worse. Really. AND!!! I attended all those parties with my husband this year and smiled! I didn’t even fight him on it this year… well not too much.

So take a look Santa. And Merry Christmas. And… talk to Mrs. Santa. You may find she thinks we Moms should get a break every now and then.



Posted by Boudicca at December 4, 2005 09:48 PM | TrackBack

Nice list, Bou.

"I’m fully expecting fecal particles flung upon my walls." is firmly entrenched in my mind...

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 5, 2005 12:09 AM

Great list, and while I am with T1G on the line, I also think your husband should just be glad that you give him the look, and not pummel him until you realize "Oh, that's no stranger, that's my husband!" *G*

Posted by: Laughing Wolf at December 5, 2005 06:07 AM

LMAO! Other than the "waking up next to a stranger", I think I'll send Santa this list as well... hmmm might change that "waking up next to a stranger" to "please when I wake up next to him, have him wake up and ravage me (and give us time before the children wake up)" GRIN.

Posted by: vw bug at December 5, 2005 06:55 AM

Oh... VW...I want that last one too. Sheesh. What was I thinking???

T1G- The bad part is, I am not joking.

LW- I think there is some concern on my husband's part that I'll freak one day and beat the crap out of him in his sleep! But I'm never out of it for that long. It is but a fleeting 1/10th of a second freak out on my part.

Posted by: Bou at December 5, 2005 07:02 AM

On the 'stranger in the night" thing, sounds like you're smart not to keep a gun at your bedside for protection. Things could get nasty.

And the rest of your note reinforces my happyness at having cats and not parents deal with some weird/gross stuff.....

Posted by: George at December 5, 2005 10:05 AM

Having suffered from insomnia all my life, I would gladly settle just for #2. That would be a great Christmas gift.

Posted by: Randall at December 5, 2005 11:56 AM

You mean no one bothered to tell you that you are not allowed a decent nights sleep until all children are residing under a different roof than your own? That should have been in the mommy pamphlet somewhere... hmmm.

Posted by: Teresa at December 5, 2005 12:57 PM

Nice list, I think you should let Bones do his own plunging... it could be amusing.

Posted by: Contagion at December 5, 2005 04:54 PM

I like that list. The sleep part, hell, you'll get to the point where you can get by on 6 and feel appreciative. Between dogs, cats, and kids, I've already lived a full life. What in the hell do I need to sleep for?

I hope santa grants your wishes. I really do. You deserver 'em. Your list is gonna change in a few years though. You'll be wishin' for sleep for other reasons. Or maybe, not. You might get a favorable trade off for the stomach flu thing with the teenage pains thing. Here's to hopin' your dues are bein' paid now. ;)

Posted by: RedNeck at December 5, 2005 08:08 PM

"I would like the ability to be able to identify which child is standing at my bedside at 2AM."

Just do what we do with our cats & put a different bell on each of their collars.

They DO have collars, don't they?

I mean, you don't just let them run around LOOSE, right?

Posted by: Harvey at December 6, 2005 06:49 PM