Some days, the blog fodder comes from the most bizarre places…
We were sitting at dinner tonight, My Man, my folks, the boys and I, when out of the blue My Man says, “I think I could be Amish.”
Now folks, I gotta tell you, My Man is a good man. My Man is a generous man. My Man is a very handy man. But My May ain’t no simple man. Nuh uh. My Man has a video collection that Blockbuster would envy. He loves nice clothes, hand made Italian shoes, and fast cars.
I’m not seeing much Amish there.
And the rest of this post is so long and crazy… it has hereby been relegated to the Extended Entry.
And so the conversation continues with My Man explaining how he came to this revelation, getting up at 4:30, milking cows, fixing fences (he is very handy), fixing the house, doing things with a tight knit community. And the entire time my folks are adding in something here and there… but me?
I sat there, staring him down, arms crossed against my chest. My mouth could very well have been agape.
Finally I said, “I am a simple woman. I have not many needs. You know that. But if you become Amish, YOU just have a good ol’ time.”
He of course laughed and they discussed the romanticized version of what it’s like to really simplify your life. I mean, this is the man where when I say, “Maybe we should move to Kentucky, he breaks out a map to make sure he understands exactly what surrounds it and researches density for fear there may not be a mall nearby. This is the man that when I talk about moving to N. Georgia or Tennessee, he gives me a blank look. This is the man that when I say, “Maybe near my Aunt in the foothills in Alabama” looks at me as if perhaps people from Alabama are from another planet. This is a man from Newark, New Jersey. Born and bred I might add.
So I’m taking this in as suggestions of our going to a ‘Dude Ranch’ or ‘Working Farm’ for vacation abound. Now let me set this straight too… I am simple and I love the thought of living away from it all, I could even give up my car keys and walk or ride a bike everywhere… but I have NEVER in my LIFE thought working on a farm would be fun. There are farmers in my family. Farming is HARD work. There is nothing romanticized about that. It is sun up to sun down frickin’ WORK. Note those capital letters there. Holy crap.
Anyway, from there came up something about Dairy Farming and how my boys have never been to a Dairy Farm. And The Great Omnipotent One, having grown up in Alabama and having had many cousins that were Dairy Farmers, tells the boys, “If you own a Dairy Farm, you milk those cows 365 days a year. Every day, those cows MUST be milked.”
And talk ensued about one day maybe my boys seeing a real Dairy Farm where they can try their hand at milking cows and this is where it just went off the deep end, if’n we weren’t deep enough.
My 2nd son says, “What’s an udder feel like? Does it feel like a weenie?”
And TGOO not fully understanding just kind of stares at him, trying to process the question.
And off to the other end of the table, I hear Bones’ wee voice say, “I’ve felt Son#2’s weenie. I know what a weenie feels like…”.
And I’m staring appalled at where this conversation is going…
And TGOO finally says, “No. It doesn’t feel like a weenie…”
And now we’re trying to explain what an udder feels like…
To which Son#2, who is sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME, grabs himself and pretends like he’s milking his weenie…
Except it doesn’t really LOOK like that… it looks exactly like what you think it looks like…
And I’m gasping, trying not to laugh at the horror show of how we’ve gone from my High Maintenance Husband, who I love dearly, telling me he wants to be Amish in his mental escape, to my 2nd son who thinks that milking a cow is akin to a male jacking off…
Except he doesn’t know what jacking off is…
And that leaves me choking as I wonder if in 6 years when he will discover it if this entire conversation will come back to him.
Holy crap. I wish there had been video.
Gross.
Posted by: Toluca Nole at December 28, 2005 08:38 PMThat's funnier than anything on TV!
Posted by: Jim - PRS at December 28, 2005 08:42 PMAnd my boys think we talk about things other families don't!
I am laughing so hard I can't see the screen. Good thing I was a secretary in another lifetime.
I'm going up to share this with them. From now on... This will be my response when they say "other families don't talk about this."
Posted by: Suzi at December 28, 2005 10:31 PMI've milked cows... it's not fun.
Why is it my boys do nothing like that? You sure are the lucky one!
Posted by: Contagion at December 28, 2005 10:36 PMAnd if you're Amish those cows must be milked by hand. Buckets carried to the tank. All. Manual. No 'lectric.
I find this funnier than I can say. Amish? Your husband?!?!?! I'll be giggling all night!
Posted by: Tammi at December 28, 2005 10:57 PMMealtime at your house must be a hoot. Boys will be boys.
Posted by: Jerry at December 29, 2005 12:07 AMHeheheh... they're definitely giving my nephews a run for the money!
That's frickin' hysterigross.
Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 29, 2005 12:21 AMDo you also pay for screen/keyboard repair? (wiping/draining water)
but then again, I should know better when it comes to your boys....
Posted by: caltechgirl at December 29, 2005 12:39 AMAmish... the man with the pet sports car? BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I love it! As for the boys... ROFLMAO!
Posted by: Teresa at December 29, 2005 12:58 AMI'm laughing so hard I can hardly type this!
Isn't it funny that only those that have never had to do the day to day HARD work grind of "the simple life" wax rhaposodic about it?
Ask Dear Hubby just how long he would enjoy getting up several times a night to replenish the wood in the stove, just to keep that one room livable when you get up in the morning, when it's -10 outside. Then get up at 0530, milk the cows, feed all the stock, and break the ice in the watering troughs so that they have access, THEN come back into the kitchen to have breakfast at around 0730-0800....and find it isn't ready because he let the fire die down too low, and it had to be rebuilt back up to a usable heat...;)
Posted by: delftsman3 at December 29, 2005 02:36 AMYep. People who have never worked on a farm love the IDEA of working on a farm. Just take him to one. I bet the smell alone will be enough to disabuse him of the notion.
If you ever get the chance, just start with the basic tests of faith, since that's part of being Amish, and send him to the belief-o-matic test at Belief.net.
I bet he doesn't even begin to fall into anything that would allow him to live the simple life.
(somehow I keep coming in with my highest scores in Orthodox and Liberal Quaker. I might need to attend a meeting.)
... I'm speechless....
Posted by: Eric at December 29, 2005 08:00 AMLOL!!!!!
I am surrounded by Amish here. I have some very good friends who are Amish. Send your high-maintenance hubby and your boys my way and I'll even let them milk a cow!
ROFTL!
Posted by: Laughing Wolf at December 29, 2005 09:24 AMI grew up on a farm... My grandparents had a dairy. I've milked both cows and sheep and I must say that a sheeps udder does feel, somewhat, when both are soft, somewhat similar. (clearing throut) Having said that I have to say a "working farm" vacation should be quite enough to rid hubby of that notion. Head on up to Iowa. We have farms and Amish aplenty.
Posted by: Jody Halsted at December 29, 2005 12:33 PMWhen did you milk a sheep, dear sister? We milked goats and cows. I don't remember the sheep.
Somehow picturing your son's 'demonstration' makes me not want to milk anything...ever again!
Posted by: Jen H at December 29, 2005 03:09 PMI'd comment, but damned near everythings already been said. Farmin', of different kinds, appeals to different folks. Some folk enjoy the hard work. The "free" time in the down season(Not with dairy farms, granted). There is something about seein' the Sun come up everyday. Seein' it set too.
Ah, what do I know, I drive a pickup, wear plaid, and do things that are generally un-metro ... but, I do wish for a simpler life. I can't fault him for that, but the dinner conversation was classic.
LMAO! Bones knows what #2 weenie feels like...did you question this?! :) Probably don't want to know. And you thought you would have to wait until they were teenagers. Lots more of those conversations to come!
Posted by: Sticks at December 29, 2005 08:29 PMGoats! I meant goats!
Posted by: Jody Halsted at December 29, 2005 09:48 PMNot that the Amish know of blogs, but just imagine an Amish family sitting around reading this... LOL!
I wonder if they sit around talking about what it would be like if they weren't Amish?!
I love your boys!!
Posted by: Marie at December 29, 2005 10:46 PMROTFLMAO! I don't know which made me cry more when laughing... picturing your hubby on a farm with no electronics or your boys.
Posted by: vw bug at December 30, 2005 07:25 AMOh! What a way to brighten my day!
ROFLKASTM(B)FO!
Milking his weenie... now, that's a picture I'm not sure I know what to do with.
(Still laughing. Do you know how HARD it is for me to type with tears of laughter streaming down my face, body chaking, etc.? This is WORK! note the capital letters... :-)
LMAO...
I've milked cows both by hand and with electric miliing machines... and they have to be milked at least twice a day, sometimes three depending upon the breed, the farm, just calved, etc...
And no, it's a totally different motion - if you catch my drift - milking by hand requires grabbing the teat, squeezing your top finger toward the base of your thumb, then in turn squeezing each of your other fingers to the palm of your hand, thereby squeezing the milk out... repeat, repeat, repeat!
Posted by: Madfish Willie at December 30, 2005 06:55 PMne bi amish guys out there
Posted by: mat at February 13, 2006 04:59 PM