January 05, 2006

Survey Says... Bones Did it

I had a mother of a little girl across the street show up at my door today. Great. That never bodes well. She said, “I thought I should kind of tell you about a little incident that occurred yesterday.” My immediate response was, “What did Bones do?”

There was no question in my mind. None. She laughed and said, “How did you know?”

Please. How did I know? I’m his frickin’ Mom, that’s how I knew. He’s the boy that is turning me gray. He’s the boy that is aging me at an exponential rate. He’s the boy that needs to be saddled with me when I am old, gray, and crabby as hell as he’ll be the one that deserves me.

It would appear that yesterday he began throwing a hula hoop at the girl next door as she was riding her bike. She asked him to stop. He did not. He pegged her with it in the face, smashing her lip. No stitches or anything were required, but it had to hurt like hell. Fortunately, she can defend herself, she is 10, and she jumped off and evidently bit him and kicked him.

The mother doesn’t know that part. Not that I care, although it would be nice that she knows her daughter doesn’t take any crap off anyone. If I had a daughter she wouldn’t.

So when I confronted him, of course, he was the victim. Of course he was because in his head he is the one always being wronged, the child without empathy or a conscience. “But Mom! She bit me and kicked me!”, he wailed at which I replied, “AFTER YOU PEGGED HER WITH A HULA HOOP! One day you’re going to antagonize the wrong person and they’re going to beat the ever living snot out of you and I’m going to tell you, “I… TOLD… YOU… SO!””

Because, I will.

This just infuriates me. And to add salt to the wound, as the mother was telling me what happened, the boys were across the street playing in another neighbor’s yard and I found out that their game was… throwing rocks at each other.

That’s right. Someone got this great idea that they’d chuck rocks at one another, that this surely must be great fun. I called them over to find them with handfuls of rocks about 2-3 cm in diameter. They weren’t HUGE rocks, but they weren’t tiny stones either.

And when I said, “What are y’all thinking?! DO NOT THROW ROCKS AT EACH OTHER!” Bones had the audacity to say, “Why?”


Does my child actually NOT THINK or is there a possibility that he very well may suffer from low IQ? I’m really starting to lean on the low IQ dealy. Really.

I said to him, “Let us think WHY we WOULD NOT throw rocks at one another…”, hoping that if he actually used the logic tree to get to the answer, that he would not forget it.

And what do you know. The first answer was, “Because we might get hurt?” I wanted to scream, “BINGO, EINSTEIN!”

Holy crap.

As I was walking back inside to finish baking my chocolate pie for tonight’s dessert, the mother started to laugh and said, “I do not know how you do it? I cannot believe they are still all alive and that you are sane…”

Well, stop right there. Yeah, they’re alive, but I do believe there may be some question as to my sanity. Live with me for a couple days and the question will surely arise in your head.

I just know that when she talks to her friends or when she reminisces about her life in 10 years, she says/will say, “I remember that family down the street with the three boys. Complete and utter chaos…” She cannot possibly identify. She has one daughter who is 10. I have three boys that definitely have that whole, “What one doesn’t think of, the other will” pack mentality.

You know that Lorcet I was given for my surgery? Yeah, well let me tell you, I slept like a frickin’ rock that one day I took it. I think I’m going to keep that stuff and once a year take one just to sleep. ONCE A YEAR I’ll get a full night’s sleep. I think it is occurring to me why I never sleep more than 1.5 hours at a time and why it’s so damn restless.

And if it just now is occurring to me, who really suffers from low IQ?


Posted by Boudicca at January 5, 2006 09:07 PM | TrackBack

Boys are definately a different species all together. My sister tells me about the differences in my daughter and her sons when they were this age. I'm so glad I have a daughter!

Posted by: Jody Halsted at January 5, 2006 09:17 PM

One word darlin'. BOYS.

Oh - and I do the Vicodin thing every 6 or 7 months. I make a sleep date and pop one. God's Gift to Tammi.

Posted by: Tammi at January 5, 2006 11:54 PM

Hate to say it, Bou, but you've gotta chill or you're a goner. So far, it's only rocks.

We did much the same. I'm not exactly how, or why, all of us boys lived, but we're all here, with no major effects.

Posted by: T1G at January 6, 2006 12:16 AM

Hate to say it, Bou, but you've gotta chill or you're a goner. So far, it's only rocks.

We did much the same. I'm not exactly how, or why, all of us boys lived, but we're all here, with no major effects.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at January 6, 2006 12:18 AM

Its a relief to know that I'm not the only sleep deprived parent on the planet.

whenever I wish I had more kids I read you or contagion & I'm cured for awhile. Its a tough job but you guys are doing amazingly great.

Posted by: michele at January 6, 2006 12:48 AM

At least they are still small and can't reach ceiling fans ...because you *know* boys understand kittens like high places. Or have they discovered ceiling fans and playing 'catch' with nerf balls?

Posted by: cin at January 6, 2006 03:14 AM

Rock fights, dirt clod fights, and fist fights are all part of a boy's accent to manhood. I reckon I would worry more about boys who didn't do all of this than the ones who do. The laws of chance dictate that there will be a few who don't survive but the vast majority who do grow up stronger for it-and I have the scars to prove it.

Posted by: GUYK at January 6, 2006 06:30 AM

I had to laugh at what your kids were doing. And more when I read 'cin' and nerf balls. I did the nerf ball thing... it will break stuff.

I don't write about my boys fighting that much, but at 3 and 2, I can see they are going to be right there with your boys. Just remember all the stuff you did to help them survive... I'll be calling you Dr. Bou. ;-)

Posted by: vw bug at January 6, 2006 07:50 AM

That really brings back memories... My Mom used to scream the "they'll beat the snot out of you" speech at my brother every other day, but she always ended with "and I'll LAUGH!" Now I know she wasn't really sadistic, just tired. ;)

On the plus side, the little satan is now a successful business owner with a wife and three kids. Oldest is in college. Things do change... Thank goodness! :D

Posted by: pam at January 6, 2006 08:20 AM

I would just like to put you mind at ease about it being a boy thing.

People are amazed, amazed I say that my sister and I made it into adulthood.

Actually the both of us are amazed that we made it into adulthood also.

That is all I am saying, pleading the 5th and all that stuff.

I think it's a more than one child thing, not necessarily limited to just boys.

Posted by: Machelle at January 6, 2006 08:21 AM

Cin- Oh we've discovered ceiling fans, nerf balls, nerf rockets, nerf bullets, nerf 'insert it here'. They've done everything but hang on those damn ceiling fans. The other day I had 4 boys here and they had a nearly 2 hour nerf battle. I like nerf. Rocks... not so much.

Guyk- Those laws of chance make me nervous...

Posted by: Bou at January 6, 2006 08:22 AM

T1G is right, it's just rocks. Some of the things my friends and I threw at each other as kids: Darts (Both normal and lawn darts), rocks, sticks, corn, knives (yes, knives), poop from various animals... and humans, and my favorite arrows, well that wasn't thrown, but shot from a bow.

Welcome to the wide world of boys, there is a reason I we had our kids ten years apart.

Posted by: Contagion at January 6, 2006 08:24 AM

There is this saying...

When you have a boy (or boys) you only have to worry about your boy. When you have a girl (or girls) you have to worry about everyone elses boys.

Posted by: Chris at January 6, 2006 09:56 AM

Machelle is right. It isn't just boys. I once chased my sister down the street with a butcher knife, deliberately shot her with bb guns, pushed her from a moving truck, tried to run her over with a tractor, etc. She shot at my horse with a bb gun while I was on him, blew an air horn while I was on him, deliberately led me into a bee nest, pushed me from a moving boat, threw beer bottles at my head etc. . .

Now, none of this even scrapes the surface. But, we are still alive, a little worse for the wear, but still alive.

Posted by: oddybobo at January 6, 2006 10:14 AM

LOL - I can't tell you how many people I've known with boys who could tell the same tales. Rocks... and any other projectile they can lay their hands on. It's a boy thing, but that doesn't mean you can ignore it - they should have it rolling around in their little skulls of mush that this is a wrong. Eventually it will take root and the throwing of lethal stuff will wear down. *grin*

Posted by: Teresa at January 6, 2006 10:18 AM

Our boys used to get into fights with each other every day. We got so frustrated one day we told them to go outside and "go for it". Of course we had to "monitor" the battle through the window to make sure it didn't get out of hand. It ended after a few minutes and they never tried that again. Boys...ya gotta love 'em!

Posted by: David in North Pole at January 6, 2006 01:09 PM

Bou, the important thing is to be careful with those nerf 'insert it here' thing. Your boys will be walkin' funny.

We raised three boys and a girl. Every one with an individual headache. We are getting our revenge by watching them fight those same battles with our grandkids.

Posted by: Peter at January 6, 2006 01:38 PM

My boys throw rocks outside, but not at each other yet. They stand in the yard and throw snowballs into the street. They throw anything and everything they can get their hot little hands on: refrigerator magnets, shapes for the shape sorter, cars, pillows...you name it!

I would have liked to hear they will grow out of it. No such luck, huh?

Posted by: Jen H at January 7, 2006 10:50 AM