January 14, 2006

The Games They Play

Today the boys informed me they were going to have Bones put on his Hulk costume and then shoot nerf stuff at his butt to see if he could feel it. Nice. The crap they come up with amazes me.

So I’m in the kitchen making a salad and I hear, “Let’s punch him now and see if he feels it…”

Yeah, that’s never a good thing to hear.

I was in that room within fractions of a second to find my youngest standing in the middle of the room, but almost looking bow legged. I shouted, “STOP! There WILL BE NO PUNCHING!”

They know the rules… the Be No’s of this home. There will be no punching. There will be no kicking. There will be no spitting. Or typically as I say it, “There will be no punching, kicking, hitting, spitting or beating of each other…”

All three of them looked at me blank faced like, “Are YOU talking TO ME?” Like they were innocent. I heard them. I HEARD THEM!

Finally one of the eldest said, “Mom, we’re going to hit him in the weenie… he can’t feel it. He’s wearing 20 pairs of underwear…”

Hence the looking kind of bow legged.

I look down and the boy is bloated around the… well… the less than mid-section. Round. The child is round. Like an innertube has been shoved in his pants.

Bones looked like the village idiot. Here he is, in Hulk costume, wearing 20 pairs of underwear underneath, and he starts banging on his ‘weenie’ saying, “See Mom? I can’t feel anything!!!”

Great. I thought I might come unhinged. I’ve got them all looking me in the eyes as I’m lecturing them again on ‘Good touch vs. Bad touch’ and how we don’t touch people certain places and we SURE AS HELL don’t HIT them there.

Let’s see… last week they were throwing rocks at each other, which I was frickin’ lovin’ the fact every male reader appeared and said, “Oh! We did that!” Great. This week, my youngest is packing on the underwear to see if he can feel it if his brothers punch him in the nuts.

And you should have seen the kid try to run through the house. Bowlegged would be kind! Finally after about 15 minutes I heard him say to my eldest, “I’m taking off 3 pairs of these underwear. They’re starting to hurt…”


Posted by Boudicca at January 14, 2006 09:25 PM | TrackBack

.. bad touch, indeed... the poor lad... it's a wonder his brothers hadn't damaged him..... the fact that you keep them all safe makes you a saint of some sort.. of that, I am sure...

Posted by: Eric at January 14, 2006 09:44 PM

Ya know, I think you should just let them do this. It's much like, "I get mad, I get mad, everybody gets mad." that TN had me do. As the youngest you have to suffer though some bad decisions to learn. Survival of the fittest...I'm still alive.

Posted by: Morrigan at January 14, 2006 10:53 PM

LMAO!!!!! Just when I think my two sons have some kind of deranged fascination with poop, balls, weenies, butts and farts I read a great post like this and know I am not alone!!! Bou, I feel your pain. Tonight I heard my son singing while in the tub. I heard, "Fat little boy hangin' on the wall, fell on a wire now he's hangin' by the balls.." That's when I came in and replied, "We do NOT say things like that in this house!" I heard himk humming it as I walked down the hall.

Posted by: Shawn at January 15, 2006 12:12 AM


Wiping the screen and the tears from my eyes simultaneously. Nearly choked myself on the 1st paragraph, and I thought I was going to die by the end.

Good lord.

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 15, 2006 01:59 AM

Beats my Poop/Pee song that Tater song on the way home last night. You had me LMAO!

Posted by: vw bug at January 15, 2006 06:57 AM

Bones is one up on me now. I never did bulk up with underwear to protect my wienie-but I did wear a cup during some events I was in

Posted by: GUYK at January 15, 2006 08:42 AM

Laughing so hard I'm choking! I can't breathe! Oh, funny...Funny!

Posted by: Jody Halsted at January 15, 2006 08:43 AM

I have come to the conclusion that ALL BOYS ARE SOMEHOW RETARDED! My two haven't done this....yet...but somehow I think it's only because they haven't thought of it yet.

Posted by: ktreva at January 15, 2006 09:02 AM

Just like throwing stones, this too is normal. I remember being younger and a friend of mine's older brother played soccer. One day my friend borrowed his cup, put it on and we all took turns kicking him in the nuts to see if it hurt.

Posted by: Contagion at January 15, 2006 11:02 AM

ROFLMAO!! Hahahaha! And I am once again reminded why I am glad that I have girls.... :D

Really funny though!

Posted by: Richmond at January 15, 2006 11:04 AM

But Richmond...remember those buys will one day be dating your girls.......

Posted by: gahrie at January 15, 2006 01:13 PM

Guys not buys.

(100 times..I will remember to preview before I hit post.)

Posted by: Gahrie at January 15, 2006 01:15 PM

Thanks for the laugh. Too hilarious. I couldn't read it through the tears in my eyes.

Posted by: Sticks at January 15, 2006 05:27 PM

I can't believe Mo sided with the big kids. You'd think she would feel something for the youngest, being one. Sheesh.

Gahrie- You are right. One day one of these boys is going to end up on some girl's doorstep! Ack!

Posted by: Bou at January 15, 2006 10:59 PM

This reminds me strongly of the scene in Super Troopers with the cop wearing nothing but a bulletproof jockey strap with cup on the firing range. Oh, I so look forward to my little boy going through these fazes. only it's going to be my middle child who will be instigating all the mischief.

Posted by: Scott at January 16, 2006 04:27 PM

Ah yes.... sounds all to familiar, Bou. I hear the same conversations at my house on a regular basis. Only now we have a male puppy who gets "excited" from time to time. This weekend the boys found him getting "excited" under the kitchen table, and declared that "Elvis's weiner looks like a red crayon".

My reply? "Huh. I was at least hoping my dog would be hung like a Sharpie marker."

Posted by: AFSister at January 17, 2006 02:30 PM

Who in the hell names their dog Elvis?... I thought about Hoffa for a second, but nixed that thought.
I'd suit him up Bou. Git him a crotch cast, body armor, full faced helment, and let the brothers hope they do nothing to cause him to retaliate... You know they got it comin'. If this is what you've discovered in the full light of day, imagine what those little fellers dream up "behind closed doors"... I mean that in a good way. Brothers, as Iv'e seen, but not experienced, can have some damned good times. They remain for a lifetime.

Posted by: RedNeck at January 21, 2006 09:28 PM

I am not looking forward to when my sons get old enought to think of this kind of stuff! What they do now is bad enough!

Posted by: Shelly at January 23, 2006 01:48 PM