March 20, 2006

Is My Home a Circus or a Zoo?

Today was not a banner day at the House of Bou. No. Not at all.

I promised the boys we’d go to the zoo with Mimie and Big Daddy. Our zoo has fountains so the kids could play in the fountain, and that seemed like a good way to expend energy. We packed, talked about what we were taking and all around prepared for the 30 minute trek, that requires me to drive on I-95S, down through some of the busiest traffic we have.

We got to the zoo… and Bones… forgot… his shoes. He goes to get out of the van and I noticed he was playing Shoeless Joe Jackson. I said, “Bones. Where are your shoes?” and he looked at me and said, “I didn’t bring them…”…… and.doesn’ Bones.

I was so pissed I think I almost burst a blood vessel in my head. I nearly stroked. I should have clutched my heart and said, “I’m comin’, Elizabeth! It’s the big one!”

Instead, I completely freaked out and let forth a string of profanity that would have made very single one of you blush. And my parents stood by and watched.

And I went through the car, looking under the seats as I could not believe that there were NO SHOES IN MY CAR! Not one pair. Surely someone always has an extra pair in my car… but not today. NONE TODAY! And I couldn’t believe it.

I remember when Bones was 4 and he got himself dressed and said he’d put his shoes on in the car. We got to school… and he had no shoes. Luckily we had soccer cleats in the car, so he wore his brother’s soccer cleats to pre school.

But we had nuthin’ today, no soccer cleats, flip flops, baseball cleats, sandals, slippers… nothing. And I was pissed.

So finally I said through clenched teeth, “We will go up there and I will ask him if they have flip flops in their gift store, and if they do, we will go in…”

And the man at the desk assured me they had flip flops and so I paid and we went to the gift store… and… all we could find, Mimie found them, were women’s size 8 or 9 terry cloth bright pink flip flops with purple bunnies on the toes.

I picked them up, thrust them at him and said, “Done. You’ll wear these.”

He stood there staring at me. There was NO WAY in hell he was going to say a word. There seemed to be an aura amongst the boys that they thought Mom was running on the hairy edge and since I’d definitely exhibited signs of mass insanity just minutes before, nobody wanted to be THAT CHILD that finally pushed me over the edge.

They didn’t have his size anywhere, only my size. Finally Son#2 said, “Mom. Please. You can’t make him wear those…”

Now we (TGOO, Mom and I) feel certain that Bones would have worn them up until the point of his 9 year old brother coming in to his defense. Son#2 said again, with a pleading face, “Mom. Listen. It will humiliate him.”

To which I replied, “You do not think for a minute that I care about humiliating him at this point do you?”

And then Bones said, “I’m not wearing those. I’m not.”

So I said, “Fine. We’re going home.” And I think, in what may have been unison from the three boys, I may have heard, “Fine.”

And we left, my getting my refund on the way out.

I didn’t want the trip to be a total bust, so I stopped by the pool, with Son#1 saying, “I don’t want to swim” and my replying somewhere along the lines of “I don’t care” except it was not that nice. For sure.

And when we arrived at the pool, Son#2 wouldn’t swim because Son#1 wouldn’t swim. So Bones stuck his feet in the water and declared it cold and 'by the way can we have ice cream instead'?

We went home.

And it wasn’t until 2 hours later that we realized that Son#2 was never really concerned about Bones’ vast humiliation of wearing women’s fuzzy pink flip flops with purple bunnies on the toes, but rather the vast humiliation HE would suffer having to walk WITH Bones.

So I think that today can be best summed up by:

Zoo, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Psycho Mom, Women’s fuzzy pink bunny flip flops, I-95, heavy traffic, no swimming and… wait… did I say Psycho Mom?

Oh and the bonus was… TGOO and Mom got grandstand viewing to all of this. Yes. They got first class seats to my show. And when we were on the back porch rehashing this, the three of us, I heard Mom sing under her breath, circus/carnival music, I could hear doot doot doodle oodle doot doot doot doot. No need for clowns. There are plenty at my home. You just won’t catch them in women’s fuzzy pink flip flops with purple bunnies on the toes…

Posted by Boudicca at March 20, 2006 06:55 PM | TrackBack

wow! that's quite the tale.
I'm forever threatening to super glue the slip on shoes to my step-daughter's feet. The most appalling thing I've seen her do is kick off her shoes in a nasty ass public restroom and walk barefoot. I nearly puked. Ech. I'm such a germ-o-phobe.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at March 20, 2006 08:10 PM

you should have nade him do it. And then made his brother stand right next to him.

Never happen again, I assure you.

Posted by: caltechgirl at March 20, 2006 08:50 PM

CTG- Nope when they get as big as they are, there is a quality of life issue. They would have had no problems making an enormous scene, they had already started. It is best to handle some things behind closed doors.

Either way... I guarantee it will NOT happen again. I assure you.

Posted by: Bou at March 20, 2006 09:18 PM


Posted by: caltechgirl at March 20, 2006 10:30 PM

ok, ok I gotta say.....this had me in stiches, and I could sooooo hear your voice. I could sense the hysteria, well writen ma. Bones would totally fit in at this house.

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at March 20, 2006 10:47 PM


Did the nearby proximity of the county jail have anything to do with your admirable restraint in this episode?

Posted by: George at March 20, 2006 11:44 PM

I've been yelling at Elderspawn pretty much EVERY DAY for THREE YEARS to Take. His. Damn. Shoes. Off. By. The. DOOR!!
Every freakin' morning I have to do a scavenger hunt for his shoes. Is one upstairs in his bedroom and the other under the deck in the back yard? Who knows! Not Elderspawn! Grr...

That said, I was giggling while reading this, then stopped when I realized that shoe karma is a bitch :)

Posted by: Graumagus at March 21, 2006 04:42 AM

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I've arrived somewhere with no shoes. None. That's one of the reason's I have so damned many pair of black dress sandles. So I have to admit - I laughed reading this. I did. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible friend.

But your mom? She. Cracks.Me.Up.

Posted by: Tammi at March 21, 2006 06:29 AM

... wow... intense... funny, sure, but intense....

Posted by: Eric at March 21, 2006 06:59 AM

That was a hoot. All children have some kind of issue that will drive you mad. Thankfully, they'll get their's someday too!

Posted by: Lori at March 21, 2006 07:37 AM

OMG! That is just what I needed to show me that my kids aren't the only ones to drive you to insanity.

Posted by: vw bug at March 21, 2006 08:24 AM

What are these things you are calling "shoes?"

Posted by: Ogre at March 21, 2006 11:55 AM

Are you sure he is not related to Tammi??? SIL calls her "dirty foot" cause everytime she would show up at the house she had no shoes on.......

Posted by: Carmen at March 21, 2006 03:04 PM

Oh how I would have loved to have seen a picture of the flip-flops! lol

Great story, though I could feel your frustration from here. Every parent on the planet has these moments/days...

I think you handled it brilliantly...

Posted by: Richmond at March 21, 2006 03:11 PM

Oh my. No WalMart nearby? (ducking and running before I get hit by the stream of profanity)

Posted by: Jody Halsted at March 21, 2006 03:14 PM

I'm just glad to know I'm not the only parent with shoe issues. GRRR.

Jody- No wal mart!

Posted by: Bou at March 21, 2006 10:30 PM