July 31, 2006

I'm Running On One Headlight

I ended up running today. My knees didn’t hurt so I figured ‘what the hell’. Little did I know that according to The Great Omnipotent One (TGOO) they will hurt tonight. Great. He would know. He was a marathon runner, his knees shot now from years of running on pavement and flight decks... although I am sure genetics always comes in to play to some degree.

I have a new section in my iPod that is ‘Music to run to’. After my massive download the other day, I started moving songs into this new area. Nothing irks me more than to be running to a CD only to have to get out of the zone to skip over a song I can’t stand.

So… this post… I have taken one of my favorite songs to run to and incorporated the lyrics between paragraphs. Skip it if you find it annoying. This is a song I started pounding the pavement to three years ago, having just downloaded it onto my iPod this weekend… I hit it today as I hit my rush and I cranked.

There is so much to this song that I read into my life, although I feel certain it was not the intent of the song writer’s meaning, my interpretation. And sometimes I feel like I’m running my life on One Headlight. The name of the song, by The Wallflowers, written by Jakob Dylan… also known as the son of Bob.

I hit the rush at 2 ½ miles today, about 17 minutes into the run, just as One Headlight came on. I made myself stop at 35 minutes. I don’t want to press my luck especially since Tuesdays I walk for an hour with a girl down the street.

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I don’t run every day. I am trying to do more cross training. My new schedule is as follows:

Sundays: run and bike
Mondays: run and weights
Tuesdays: walk an hour at night
Wednesdays: a day of rest whether I want it or not
Thursdays: run and weights in the morning, walk an hour at night
Fridays: a day of rest (I work on Fridays)
Saturdays: sometimes run and/or bike

I read through my running posts and I realize that to read these are probably more of an insight into my mind than my other posts which are usually stories about my boys. It is more exposure as to what makes me tick, if you will.

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

I realized long ago, that my internal demons loomed larger than the average person’s. My soul is just ever so slightly more tormented. I am OK with that. But I also know that my demons are infinitely smaller than some peoples… and for that I am thankful.

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella,
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

I was privileged to run a few mornings with a former Marine when I worked for Company X. He was a Viet Nam vet… tunnel rat, having moved onto air combat, breaking his back in a chopper crash. He became a marathon runner. He’d run through enormous pain.

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed

I could never imagine the demons he was conquering with every step. Shrapnel wounds and knifing scars evident on his torso as he ran shirtless, they were the obvious physical evidence of his past… I never questioned visible or invisible scars. It was not my place.

And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

But I will say that I could not keep up with him and it was not just his longer stride. His run was intense. His mental place was far different and darker than any place I could imagine. And so I ran… honored to be invited to run with him. I was content to run 3 paces behind, although I tried to run alongside. He wasn’t looking to lead me on the trail, but to have someone beside.

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella,
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

And I tried, and although I believe we both achieved the same sort of zone, I don't believe his rushes were more intense than mine, his travels to get there and the whys as to why he did it, were longer, harder, and bleaker than mine. He still runs. All that has been done to his body by the ravages of war and the aftermath of his dealing… and he still runs.

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn

I will not run tomorrow. It’s not my day and I know my knees will hurt. They are starting to ache now as I break out the ice. I remember about a year ago, some study came out that said something like, ‘People who exercise are less likely to end up on anti-depressants due to the natural endorphin rush one receives during exercise’.

I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

I remember hearing that and thinking, ‘No shit. Did they pay you to figure that out? Next time… call me.’ Stating the obvious… some of these studies… they are stating the obvious.

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella,
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

I ended today with 200 crunches and listening to Down to the River to Pray by Alison Krauss, soundtrack from Oh Brother Where Art Thou. Nothing like a little Southern Gospel to calm the soul...

Posted by Boudicca at July 31, 2006 09:23 PM | TrackBack

"I ended today with 200 crunches"

Good God, the only way I could do that was is I sat on a box of "Captain Crunch".

Remind me to never get you mad at me, I would raise my white flag of surrender automatically.

Posted by: confabulator at July 31, 2006 10:14 PM

if you don't lose the weight before Mo's wedding, nobody could. Damn.

I love that whole album, too.

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 1, 2006 12:29 AM

I've been where you are girly - just started getting active again and my knees are protesting already and I'm keeping it as low impact as possible. ARGH...I'm just gettin' old I guess.

Make sure you have enough knees left to STAND at the wedding!

Posted by: Lisa W. at August 1, 2006 06:04 AM

I am missing yoga, and walking unsure when i will be able to get back. I do know I am not gonna push it. I will wait until I am pain free.

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at August 1, 2006 08:23 AM

I love the Wallflowers - really good stuff.

Posted by: Carmen at August 1, 2006 09:16 AM

About the only thing I can identify with in your post is Down to the River to Pray.

Posted by: Mrs_Who at August 1, 2006 06:49 PM