If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a Panda Bear. What a GREAT life! And they seem so mellow…
Have you been to the Atlanta Panda Cam? It’s a live stream feed of their baby Panda. My Mom sent me the link first, and then Morrigan reminded me of it. It seems Morrigan is completely addicted, leaving the live feed up on her computer constantly. And my Mom is addicted as well with TGOO having put a link on their desktop so she can just click and see the fuzzy little fella.
I showed it to the boys the other day and Mr. T cannot get enough. It is all he talks about, this baby Panda. I showed him all the little pre videos of the birth, how it has grown, while it sleeps. He is fascinated.
Morrigan said to me the other day, “Tell the boys that TODAY I saw the baby Panda poop and pee! The zoo keeper came in and cleaned it right up!”
Of course I told them this during dinner. The response? “Aunt Mo must have to watch that constantly to see that. We’ve NEVER seen it poop.”
But of course the entire conversation degraded into all the animals they have seen poop. Of course.
Anyway, so I’ve watched all these videos and the one in particular that I can’t quit thinking about is the birthing video.
Folks… there is something inherently wrong with the ecosystem or whatever when an enormous frickin’ panda bear, that varies from 5 to 6 feet and weighs from 175 to 275 lbs can give birth to a .25 lb baby the size of a STICK OF BUTTER. Did you read that right? Yes. ONE QUARTER OF ONE POUND. Small. Stick of butter.
Meanwhile, a 5’2” 120 lb (pre pregnancy weight) woman gives birth to an 8.5 pound baby with a head the size of a frickin’ bowling ball.
I watched that video and there was no pain involved. She just stood there and ‘plink’ this fuzzless thing was suddenly sliming on the floor. Mr. T said, “Mom, it looks like a naked mole rat!”
He was right.
I didn’t have one birth like that. Even my most simple birth, Mr. T himself, who was 8 lbs and only had a normal sized head, and who had only a 3 hour labor, and I did it with NO drugs AT ALL, sucked FAR MORE than that old ‘plinky Panda birth’.
So I’ve started to mentally compile a list as to why I want to come back as a Mama Panda Bear. And I’m sharing it with you. I know. The things I do for y’all…
1) Child birth. Holy crap. It’s a non-event! Just wherever you are, it just slimes right out!
2) No weight to lose after childbirth. Good grief? Did she gain anything? Impossible. I mean, if the baby was the size of a stick of butter, the placenta was the size of.. .what? A golf ball? Please. I saw no maternal fat store gain… then again, could you even tell?
3) No stretch marks. Good grief. How big could her tummy have gotten? And if it did get big, she’s got all that FUR to hide any marks not to mention any saggy left over skin! My body looks like an old worn out crumpled brown paper bag. Her body looks the same!
4) I’m not seeing any engorged breasts in those videos and pictures. Nope. I bet she doesn't smell like sour milk... which was my perfume du jour for about six weeks after each birth.
5) Somebody else is cleaning up that baby poop! How Suuuuhweet is that? Mo can vouch, she saw it.
6) How many sleepless nights are there with this Mama Panda? I’m thinking… None. And… if there were, they frickin’ sleep all day anyway, so WHO CARES? Which brings me to…
7) That baby sleeps. All.the.time. Every time I look? That baby is sleeping. Don’t get me wrong. My newborns slept… in particular if they were using me as the human pacifier. I think that lasted maybe 6 weeks. After that, my babies were awake during the day, MAYBE taking two naps. I had very awake babies. I was a very tired Mama.
8) I don’t see a big whine factor there. That Panda baby isn’t going to grow up into something that whines at age 2.
9) Where is the 5:00 bewitching hour? There isn’t one! And even if that baby Panda freaks every day at 5:00… it doesn’t matter because… she doesn’t have to cook dinner!
10) And the best reason to come back as Mama Panda is… she doesn’t look like she craves chocolate, hence she can keep her nice girl bearish figure. I bet all the boy Pandas think she’s a hottie!
Don’t be bamboozled. A Panda’s Life is the Way to Be. I want to come back as her...