January 12, 2007

No Sympathy for the Blood

When you have boys, after awhile you just expect a couple ER visits a year. I donít have those quiet boys who just sit and read. Well, one does. The other two? No.

Hmm. Let me see. Weíve been to the ER for stitches, a broken arm, asthma attacks, a concussion andÖ oh. We did an emergency visit to a friendís office who is an ENT because we thought someone broke a nose.

Iíve called 911 three timesÖ two for breathing episodes that resulted in ambulance rides to the local ER and once because a baby was choking and I couldnít get it to stop. Iíve called poison control twice. They are very nice.

It is what it is. Iíve always kept a great eye on my kids, but boys are boys and it is exactly why I never had a pool in my yard. Bad things happen to good people and it only takes the blink of an eye.

So of course I feel awful for VW over at One Happy Dog Speaks, who has two boys 13 months apart, ages 4 and 3.

This month her boys have had the croup, broken a clavicle, gotten an eyeball poked rendering the actual eyeball swollen (that one made me gag) and as of yesterday, the obligatory split lip due to a fallÖ head hits floor, tooth goes through lip, or tries rather.

I really really want to tell her this all ends. And to some degree it does, as Iím not at the doctors near as much as I used to be. But. Not all of it.

My sister in law buys THE WORST gifts for kids. When my kids were toddlers, she bought them this horrible plastic electronic saxophone that made mechanical noises, it was the Devilís sax and there was only offÖ and on.

And the volume was always LOUD. Sometimes it would just come on. That toy had NO redeeming qualities and quickly ended up on the top shelf of a closet until it disappeared.

Then one year she got them this bounce thing that was like a trampoline. It stayed blown up in my living room. My kids would jump in and out of it, like maniacs. Finally we let the air out for fear someone was going to get hurt. Sure enough, my husband blew up an inflatable pool, and Mr. T, remembering the bounce thing, started doing the same thing, jumping in and out, and before we could stop him, he fell and snapped his arm in half.

This yearÖ she got them Socker Boppers. My kids asked for them, remember? I said NO. I thought it was a bad idea.

But suddenly they were in my home and theyíve been bopping each other ever since.

Iím about to put a knife through that awful toy. Iím not joking.

Two days ago, Mr. T and Bones broke them out, Bones had his hand in front of his face, Mr. T took a face shot and Bam! Busted lip and blood.

I heard the shriek, ran in to find blood starting to trickle from the corner of his mouth and immediately said, ďGET OFF MY CARPET!Ē

Nice, huh?

I have so much compassion. I even scare myself sometimes.

His lip is still busted up and Iím glad itís not his nose. What a mess.

So, Iíd love to tell VW it gets better, but I don't think it really does. I think it comes and goes in spurts. My fear is it really gets... worse!

Posted by Boudicca at January 12, 2007 09:58 PM | TrackBack

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we'd like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for $1.98, and it's called Bag O' Glass. [ holds up bag of glass ] Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it's you know, it's glass, it's broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It's just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: [ laughs ] I don't understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look - you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We're just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it's a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don't feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!" I mean, we sell a lot of products in the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O' Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid. They're decent toys, you know what I mean?

Posted by: Toluca Nole at January 12, 2007 10:07 PM

Did you make that up?

Posted by: Bou at January 12, 2007 10:16 PM

Part of a SNL skit from the '70s.

Posted by: Toluca Nole at January 12, 2007 10:18 PM

I saw that skit. Good one.

Posted by: Angus of Isly at January 12, 2007 10:29 PM

I'm waiting for my sil to send us three bags of glass for toys.

Posted by: Bou at January 12, 2007 10:31 PM

My mother could probably tell you that I, as a girl, was tantamount to all three of your boys combined.

It's amazing I even lived out my teen years without killing myself or some poor dumb shmo tangled up in my sick games.

Posted by: Erica at January 12, 2007 11:14 PM

I'm just waiting for someone to send them Lawn Darts...

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 12, 2007 11:33 PM

I will take blood over the bodily fluid I had to deal with on Thursday any day!

Posted by: Contagion at January 13, 2007 12:03 AM

It may get worse again.

Just saying.


Posted by: That 1 Guy at January 13, 2007 12:53 AM

My sister gave my boys box cutters for Christmas this year (the breakaway type). In fact, there were 2 for each boy. Along with Goo Gone and a flashlight. I realize that my boys are older (16, 19, and 20) but Daredevil just went to the Emergency room TWICE this past year because he cut his hand with a box cutter and scissors. Daredevil even laughed and shook his head and said, "What was she thinking?!"

Posted by: sticks at January 13, 2007 06:18 AM

Ok, I'll just hold on for the ride and keep hoping they survive. I figured this is revenge for what I did to my poor mom. Sigh.

Posted by: vw bug at January 13, 2007 07:01 AM

First of all, I'm a big enough woman to admit that "Get off the carpet" was the first thing I thought, too. Wasn't even my kid or my carpet. Go figure.

Second, What?!? No Acme Sharp Sticks in the stockings this year?

Posted by: Roses at January 13, 2007 09:44 AM

Like Bou and Sticks, I would be shouting about the carpet too. Sympathy can come later. Stitches are cheaper than cleaning or replacing carpet.

Posted by: Mrs_Who at January 13, 2007 10:11 AM

It gets worse.... much worse.... (are you scared yet?) But if it helps put it in perspective, Scamp was playing in the backyard once when a tree fell and hit him on the head, he was 14.

Posted by: Tink at January 13, 2007 03:39 PM

I would have said something about the carpet too....but then just got the peroxide and made them clean it up themselves.

Kids, boys especially, are hard on moms. Just look at it this way- if they do something and get hurt, bet they won't do that again, huh?
Unless it didn't hurt that bad, and then they will.

My boys turn 17 and 16 next month....pretty much most of the 'injuries' are not caused by stupidity or each other any more. (Although Little Man has had more trips to the ER for stitches than I can remember....all delightfully provided by Boy.)

Posted by: Rave at January 13, 2007 11:53 PM

Lawn Darts. Best. Toy. EVAR!!

Posted by: El Capitan at January 15, 2007 10:47 AM

Bou - Remember, Mo is gonna have kids and you get to buy presents for them. Sweet revenge!

Posted by: Denny at January 17, 2007 10:20 PM