January 23, 2007

I Hate Men Part II

(No, I’m not really in a crabby mood. I’m not. I’m just feeling… flippant.)

I almost named this I hate Girl Scouts, but that sounded so… ugly. And to hate Girl Scouts is almost akin to hating apple pie, baseball, and burning the flag.

Oh wait. I hate baseball…

Anyway, as the Great Wedding of 2007 approaches, I have been diligently watching what I eat. I have:

Quit eating after 7.
Cut out all snacking that is not healthy.
Eaten a good turkey sandwich or salad or vegetable soup for lunch
Made sure I’ve drank 8 cups of water a day
Eaten a big salad at dinner if I did not at lunch
Eaten a handful of nuts and a small piece of fruit for my mid morning snack
Done cardio in some form nearly every day.

Weight is not peeling off of me like it has my husband. No. It is crumbling off in something akin to pebble size. It’s frickin’ killing me. KILLING ME. ¼ pound here… a ½ pound there. A week.

And I have been patient as I realize to take it off slowly is easier to keep it off.

Let me say, I will probably never eat another drop of vegetable soup and I am starting to REALLY REALLY hate lettuce. REALLY. A lot.

Last week, I busted my butt to watch what I ate, my husband’s family unexpectedly came in town, so I ate two meals after 7, had 1 small piece of cake for T’s birthday, and ate 3 cookies, and not only did I NOT lose even a ¼ pound… I gained a ½.

I nearly screamed.

I’m still nearly screaming.

Meanwhile, the frickin’ Girl Scouts are out in full force selling their cookies. Thin Mints. Oh.My.God.

I bought two boxes and put one in the back of the freezer for after the Great Wedding of 2007, and opened the other, eating 3 cookies and pawning the rest off on my kids.

I figured I was fine.

Then to add to the complete aggravation, my father in law comes in the house the other day and says, “Bou! Look what I did! I bought EACH of the boys their OWN box of Girl Scout cookies! Each a different flavor. I’m sure you’ll like them all.”

I nearly screamed! AGAIN! I muffled it through a clenched smile and a kiss and thanked him profusely for his thoughtfulness the entire time thinking, “CRAP!”

I am so sick of drinking water. Do you know how much 8 cups of water a day is? And I’m GOOD about drinking water. I usually drink 4-6 a day.

OK… let’s talk here. If you drink one cup before every meal, that’s 3 cups. If you drink one in between at each ‘snack’, that’s 5 cups. That means you still have to fit 3 more cups in.

Add one before bed, which of course means I have to pee by 3AM. That leaves me 2… which I manage to fit, but Good Lord, I swear on my sweet boys, that not only are my kidneys functioning perfectly, but I will NEVER get diverticulitis. NEVER.

And I’m really sick of peeing.

Fast forward to today. My tech lead brought in Girl Scout chocolate covered peanut butter cookies to work. He brought them in because he only wanted one or two and he knew they’d get eaten. Have I ever said that my tech lead is EXACTLY the same damn size as the day I met him in 1988? Yes.

Men suck.

All the men in my office are the SAME EXACT SIZE THEY WERE WHEN I FIRST MET THEM in 1988-1990.

Men suck.

I just want to lose one dress size for this wedding, folks. That’s it. Just enough so I don’t look like the mother of three that I am while I stand next to Morrigan who looks like one of those Elf/Faery people from Lord of the Rings. That’s it. One. Dress. Size.

In my mind, that is not a lot to ask.

So I am with the guys and my TL pulls the cookies out and puts them on the ledge and I looked at him and said, ‘Oh I so hate you so very very much…’ to which they all laughed.

Everyone grabbed one and I said, “I… Can’t… do… it” and I took one. I sat in my chair and slowly ate it and someone somewhere mentioned the word orgasmic… it may have been me… it was a good cookie.

Then the guys, who are the same damn size for the last 20 years, finished them off at which point I cursed them all and said, “I hate all of you! I ate that one cookie and will gain 5 frickin’ pounds and you all will not only burn that cookie off just in breathing, you’ll walk to the bathroom and burn another pound in the walk!”

And they thought it was funny and someone mentioned that my eyes appeared to glaze over when I ate the chocolate covered peanut butter cookie…

…and… I hate men and Girl Scouts. I do. Dammit.

After the Great Wedding of 2007, I am breaking that box of Thin Mints out of the freezer and sitting down with the newspaper, reading it cover to cover, while doing the Sudoku puzzle and eating an entire roll… or maybe the entire daggum box… in one sitting.


Posted by Boudicca at January 23, 2007 10:31 PM | TrackBack

So I shouldn't hit you up for Sis #2's cookie sale? ;-)

Posted by: Sissy at January 23, 2007 11:45 PM

NO!!! You should see my kids' school lunches. They contain a sandwich and a ton of cookies!!! ;-)

Posted by: Bou at January 24, 2007 07:00 AM

you can do it bou. yes men suck, but you are still beautiful, this size or smaller, it makes no real difference to anyone but you.

Posted by: shoe at January 24, 2007 08:07 AM

FWIW, on the two occasions I've seen you, I never thought you needed to lose a dress size. Nor did I look at you and think: "there's a woman who has birthed three babies."

Bou, I know we women all have our own internal demon that we fight. And I'm a hypocrite for what I'm typing, but you look great! And you're in great shape.

Now then, let's talk about my 50 chins...

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at January 24, 2007 08:33 AM

A a little lemon or lime to your water, adds taste and no calories. Or even any other fruit will add taste.

I can not drink caffene so water it is for me. It's usually all I drink. So I've addes a little lemon/lime and it helps a lot.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at January 24, 2007 09:04 AM

This post is proof positive that women are demented. Some of 'em, anyway.

Sure, men are obnoxious - we can usually peel the pounds off pretty easily if we try. But here you are, obsessing over losing a single dress size, and I'm here to tell you that there is exactly zero, zip, zilch, nada wrong with your size in the Present Circumstances. That is, unless you've gained 200 pounds since I last saw you.

Quit tryin' to gild the lily. You look Damn Fine as is.

Posted by: Elisson at January 24, 2007 12:03 PM

Bou - You are so tiny that 1/2 pound is a pretty substantial amount of weight, and just for the record, I think you are a babe just the way you are.

Posted by: Denny at January 24, 2007 02:36 PM

Not that it matters, but last night I had a calzone and fried chicken.

Posted by: Toluca Nole at January 24, 2007 04:29 PM

You and your sister are both beautiful. And you're both so tiny I'm just shaking my head here over the "one dress size". I do understand about the guys losing weight thing. My husband never gains an ounce... it's disgusting.

One thing I will say though - don't get so hyper fixated on water. Just go look - there is not one single study - EVER - to show that you need to drink 8 glasses of ANYTHING a day. No one knows where that figure came from. It's just out there. it's one of those things that everyone "just knows". I know because I looked! Got curious one day and started googling.

If 8 is too much - then for heaven sake cut back or drink some other no-cal or lo-cal liquid! It won't kill you and you won't over eat because you didn't drink that extra glass of water.

No matter what your weight - you will look wonderful for the wedding. This I know for sure. There is no way either one of you could possibly look "matronly"... ever!

Posted by: Teresa at January 24, 2007 10:49 PM

1/2 pound? You can even TELL with 1/2 pound? Good gosh, I eat meals that weigh more than that...

Oh, not the right time to mention that?

Yeah, I know. :)

Posted by: Ogre at January 25, 2007 07:55 AM

AH, Yes 'Tis Good To Be The King....

I can lose a 1/2 pound when I defecate...

'Tis Good to be the King...

Posted by: P'cola Titan at January 27, 2007 10:20 AM