April 09, 2007

Is That a Muffin in your Bra or are You Just Happy to See Me?

And so the last fitting for one bridal attendant’s dress was this past Friday.

That would be me. And one dress. In case you’d forgotten. The great wedding of 2007 is to take place in but less than 20 days.

Although I am short, and not a big person, I am broad shouldered, and broad hipped for that matter. Waistless in West Palm Beach. I look like good breeding stock. There is nothing fragile flowery about me. Get me to talking and expressing myself and it is quite evident there is nothing delicate.

Anyway, so I had to buy a slightly larger size top than bottom as my top is big. Not busty. Just big. I’m big in the rib cage. I tell people, when you are 5’2” and you are pregnant, that baby has to go somewhere. By the 6th month, I had run out of free torso space, which pushed those babies up into my rib cage, making them ‘expand-o’.

And they don’t shrink back.

Trust me. I have wondered if I bought something really tight that I could wrap around me for 3 months, torquing it down as I got used to it, if I could push my rib cage back into place. I think the answer is ‘No.’

Where was I? Oh. So I had this larger top so it would fit around my rib cage and the seamstress told me they had to take it up in the shoulders. A woman that typically wears the size I bought is about 4 inches taller than I, so I said “fine”, paid and told them I’d be back April 8.

I put on the top on April 8 and it… ‘cupped’ on the left side. It is hard to describe, but it is as if the left side of the top ‘cupped out’. It looked funky.

The seamstress of the day at David’s Bridal was this very very sweet woman, tall, willowy, soft spoken, SWEET, did I say sweet? Yes. Very. I will call her… Meghan. And I said to Meghan, “Something is not right here. Is this how it’s supposed to look? Did they take it in too much?”

And Meghan looked at me and pulled and straightened and then looked concerned and said to me, trying to be very delicate, “Well… they took it in correctly, but it is more obvious now… well… see… not all women are exactly the same… size. Sometimes we are… just a bit… well…”

To which I said, “I have one breast bigger than the other. Yes. My left. I’m not offended.”

I heard a slight sigh of relief and she continued, “Yes, you are slightly bigger on the left side. You were aware of this?”

Aware? Are you kidding me? When I was nursing, I could feed a 3rd world country by myself and ¾ of it came from one frickin’ side. I was so huge on the left side and milk came out so fast, my babies, who had not just fallen from a turnip truck, by the end of the first week, tired of sputtering and nearly drowning in the mammary free flow, used to get wide eyed and CRY at the sight of my left breast coming towards them. Ever wonder what baby nightmares are comprised of? Not me. I KNOW. My babies were afraid of my left breast coming to get them.

And as I slowly coaxed them to take the breast, shortly there after they’d try beating me with their small little fists, preferring to starve than to have to deal with the Mammary Monster.

Yes. I am aware that my left side is bigger, although Meghan and I have realized it is by just a half cup size... when not full of milk.

Left side? C. Right side? B and a ½.

And so now I stood there staring at the ‘cupping’ of the neckline of this blouse, being caused by the ‘C’ side, something that I think is not typically noticeable, although I will admit that every time I get dressed now I look to see, “Can you tell there is a B and a ½ on one side?” So far I have convinced myself ‘no’, although while doing biceps in the gym today, I thought perhaps it is more noticeable than I had normally thought.

I'm the HunchFront of West Palm Beach. I think perhaps I should walk with a list to the left... knuckles dragging the ground on that side. Lovely. I stop at ringing bells at Cathedrals...

And I was wondering… ‘Great. What do I do now?’ I was looking thinking, “How do I squish one side smaller…” when Meghan said to me quietly, “What we need to do is make the other side… bigger… to even it out.”

OH! That makes sense. ‘Tis a lot easier to make them bigger than smaller. Hell, girls have been stuffing their bras with tissue paper since… the invention of tissue paper! Actually, it was probably invented FOR stuffing bras and then someone noticed it worked well to blow noses as well.

Meghan picked up this half circle shaped thing and said to me, “What you need is a muffin.”

Now I may be wrong, but I think she called it a muffin. I’m not exactly the girliest girl in girltown, but I’m pretty sure it was a ‘muffin’. It could’ve been a doughnut, but I do feel fairly certain it was in the bakery vocab. Brownie? Cannoli? I think it was muffin.

She proceeded to take this fabric bra stuffing, the woman’s version of tissue paper, and went to put it in my bra, looking flushed when she stopped and handed it to me to place. I said to her, “Look. I’ve had three kids. I’m not embarrassed by much. Not so much. I practically had bleachers in the delivery room with the last kid as so much went so very wrong and for about 10 years straight, I always had an audience in the restroom. I’m cool if I don’t get this right and you need to fix it.’

Another small sigh was elicited from her as she had come to realize… I really am not uptight. I just want things ‘right’.

And so the ‘muffin’ was placed and suddenly my B and a ½ matched my C and the blouse fit and all was right in the ‘bridal attendant’ world.

Good grief. Whoda thunk it? Now I just need to find a ‘muffin’ of my own…

Posted by Boudicca at April 9, 2007 05:05 PM | TrackBack

Heh. You said "muffin."

Posted by: Elisson at April 9, 2007 07:45 PM

Bou, I gotta tell ya. That "Hunchfront" line had me rollin'. Nice one!

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at April 9, 2007 08:39 PM

I thought all wimmens had one boob bigger that the other. Almost all the ones I slept with did.

Posted by: Denny at April 9, 2007 09:49 PM

Bahahaha I have this mental image of your kids thrashing in their sleep crying out "uurggh not... not the LEFT! Dear god NOT THE LEFT!"

Posted by: Graumagus at April 10, 2007 02:59 AM

Elisson- I'm waiting for someone to jump on and say, "You've never heard of a muffin?!" I'm not exactly the fashionista. My fave is chocolate chip, but I'll settle for blueberry.

Johnny Oh- Well I'm glad you laughed as I did amuse myself yesterday when I wrote this in my head! I kept picturing my Dad doing his best imitation of Quasimodo when I was a kid.

Denny- Ack! Heh. Well, I just never thought anything of it. I assumed everyone was symmetrical except for me after child bearing. and I never thought anything of it until... Friday. Bah!

Grau- You know, really, if the baby experts would just come talk to me, I think I could unlock some of the great secrets of the baby universe! I have so many theories... ;-)

Posted by: Bou at April 10, 2007 06:07 AM

ROTFLMAO! It reminds me of our conversations about losing weight will cause you to lose it in the breasts. NOT!!! ;-) Ok, only Not for me. I'll be glad to give you some of mine!!!!

Posted by: vw bug at April 10, 2007 07:00 AM


Posted by: wRitErsbLock at April 10, 2007 07:27 AM

What? She didn't give you the muffin to keep???

Posted by: oddybobo at April 10, 2007 08:44 AM

If you need to find a muffin of your own does that mean you are renting a muffin? Which means someone may have rented that muffin before you and therefore you have a used muffin in your bra??


Posted by: TxAFbrat at April 10, 2007 09:17 AM

I gots to go blog about muffins now. Thanks for dredging up some long-buried memories!

Posted by: El Capitan at April 10, 2007 10:48 AM

your comments on tissue in bras brought back a teen high school memory of mine, where there was a girl who was...let's see,hmmmm ...less endowed than others, and according to the boys' grapevine, she used a lot of tissue to make up the shortage, so to speak. everytime her name came up in conversation someone would yell "please don't squeeze the charmin..." and we'd all burst out laughing. sexist, yeah, but it seemed hilarious back then...

Posted by: tim at April 10, 2007 12:06 PM

I have heard them refered to as "cutlets" as well. And really, what Oddy said - she didn't let you keep it? Jeez!

Posted by: Richmond at April 10, 2007 12:26 PM

Too funny! Now if only I can stop myself from giggling when I see you at the wedding and think of your hilarious muffin story! See you soon!

Posted by: Tally 5-0 at April 10, 2007 05:15 PM


Posted by: Toluca Nole at April 10, 2007 05:41 PM

Tally 5-0 I thought the same thing. I'll be getting ready with Bou so I KNOW there will be much laughing...

Do you know the muffin man, I mean WO-man.

Posted by: Morrigan at April 10, 2007 08:58 PM

Hmm... and all this time I thought a muffin was something else.

...and regarding the big left one, I cry when I see one of those coming at me, too. However, mine are usually tears of joy.

Posted by: Dash at April 11, 2007 05:13 PM

I just can't help but ask... can we get a picture of your muffin?

Posted by: Contagion at April 11, 2007 05:37 PM

OK, now that is funny. The mental image I had from the Baby's view as the terrifying "Left side" came for them was too funny.

Also the baby nightmares! I never thought about it, but I guess I know now why our youngest prefers to snuggle with me instead of mom when shes going to sleep.

Posted by: Houston at April 12, 2007 06:13 PM

I have a bridesmaid story about a strapless, backless bra that you could see through the dress and duct tape. Maybe someday I'll share it. But for now I'll just remember and chuckle at your "muffin".

Posted by: Jody at April 13, 2007 09:11 AM