July 16, 2007

A New Twist to 'Monkeying Around'

The Atlanta Zoo was on our agenda yesterday as we wanted to see the panda. We’d watched it on webcam for so long after it was born, we had to see her live now.

I wasn’t sure we were going to go, as it had been raining. It is not the rain that bothers me, but I cannot keep warm on some days, even on a hot humid southern day… it can be touch and go. I’m going to have to start carrying a sweat shirt with me always, as freakish as that sounds. Yesterday was one of those days where I was perpetually cold.

The zoo was not so crowded. It was nearly 3 by the time we got there and as I said, it had been raining, so the crowds had thinned. It made for a nice leisurely stroll… well, as leisurely strolly as it can be with three boys, one of whom is named Bones.

I have to say… I love elephants. I could watch elephants all day long. Otters are right up there as well. They are insane little creatures and I marvel at how much I *LOVE* otters and cannot stand rats. Otters just look like elongated rats… elongated circus rats!

We eventually made our way to the monkeys, which I always think is fun. Monkeys and apes. Holder had told us at breakfast a very funny story about visiting a zoo, the Orangutan exhibit, only to see this big furry mammal completely smitten with the female zoo employee who worked that exhibit, playing with himself as the visitors listened to the zoo keeper. We laughed at the story as she told it, it was a funny story, but Holder makes it funnier (she’s a good story teller and has great animated expressions), but I just didn’t think about our visit to the zoo, possibly holding any likeness to her story.

A bit of foreshadowing in her story, perhaps?

Because we walked to the monkey cage and there was this one male monkey, sitting off by himself, kind of slumped in a tree, sitting up right, however, but… very… mmmm… relaxed and a bit… slouchy.

When I’m not wearing my glasses, I can have poor depth perception. It’s not bad for big things… but with the fact I can’t see well far away, the whole depth thing can become a bit of an issue with smaller.

And so I walked to the glass with Mr. T and Bones (I’m not sure where Ringo was at the moment, although he did join us later), and I just kept staring. Was his tummy part pink? Was there a pink strip running up his tummy?

I was staring, squinting, until we got closer and I said, in a hushed tone, ‘Is… he… is he playing with his weenie?”

Bones was standing there with eyes wide open, mouth agape and Mr. T was standing on the other side, with mouth closed, eyes wide, eyebrows raised, and a quiet, “Yup” was elicited from Bones with a whispered, “Yeeeeees” coming from my 2nd son.

At that point, Ringo joined us… standing there staring as well.

It wasn’t long. Looking back, we probably all just stood there for a couple seconds. I really think I had flashbacks of the Street Master . And... I think mentally I was doing math.

I know. It’s the problem with being a mathematician.

I think it was along the lines of, “Holy crap! He’s huge. If humans and monkeys were proportionately the same… then…If a 3 foot monkey has a 5 inch dick, then a 6 foot man would have a…”

But, I was suddenly startled out of my math when the monkey, leaned down and… holy crap… started sucking himself. Good Grief. He actually bent down and put it in his mouth.

I think I stopped breathing. The two younger boys let out a gasp. And maybe I did too. At that point, I think it was Ringo, my 12 year old, who was grounded enough to say, “Ok, its time to go…” and we left.

If you ask the boys what they remember from the zoo, they name all the animals they saw poop. They also talk about the panda, the otters, and the meerkats.

If you ask me, and children are not around, I’ll tell you it was stumbling upon a masturbating monkey who tried to give himself a blow job.

I’m loving what I’ll get googled for with this post…

Posted by Boudicca at July 16, 2007 09:06 PM | TrackBack

Hmmm. Sounds like "Blow-Rang-Utang" might have been a close relative of the "Spanky the Monkey" doll I gifted Velociman with at Helen last year.

They say youth is wasted on the young...and I will add: Flexibility is wasted on the Orang-Utang. Heh.

Posted by: Elisson at July 16, 2007 09:27 PM

Elisson- He just bent down... and Good Grief. It was like he did it all the time. Which... he probably does. But this guy was not an orangutan. He really was just a monkey... a biggish one. In every sense. Heh.

Posted by: Bou at July 16, 2007 09:34 PM

I tell you, that's just not something you expect to see, is it? Makes great dinner/breakfast conversation, though. Remind me to tell you about the mousicles...

Posted by: holder at July 16, 2007 11:07 PM

holy crap. That's funny.

Posted by: caltechgirl at July 17, 2007 01:00 AM

Your blog is better then any book. Thanks for the laugh, it was well needed.

Posted by: Alek at July 17, 2007 01:14 AM

Remind me to tell you of my zoo visits sometime.

Posted by: vw bug at July 17, 2007 05:52 AM

That reminds me of a limerick:

There once was a man from Nantucket....

Well, you can guess the rest. */;-)

Posted by: Angus of Loch Ness at July 17, 2007 07:50 AM

Nothing like seeing a monkey whack-off to end the day right - giving himself a blowjob was just the icing on the cake!

Ha! Thanks, I was laughing hysterically at this one!

Posted by: oddybobo at July 17, 2007 07:56 AM

ROFL.... NOT what I expected, but oh so much better... ;)

Posted by: pam at July 17, 2007 08:01 AM

You and your boys have the most amazing adventures! What a hoot!

Posted by: Lori at July 17, 2007 08:22 AM

The mother in me is just upset and shocked...I'm very up front and open with my kids but there are just some things I'd prefer not to discuss.

The child in me is giggling and snorting.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at July 17, 2007 10:42 AM

Spank that monkey!

Posted by: Peggy U at July 17, 2007 01:05 PM

"... a masturbating monkey who tried to give himself a blow job."


Posted by: Jim - PRS at July 17, 2007 08:29 PM

Angus - Beat me to it! I know that limerick as well.

Posted by: Denny at July 17, 2007 10:19 PM


And why do monkeys do such things?

Because they can.....because they can.

Posted by: Jerry at July 18, 2007 12:01 AM

I wonder if we could fight those things?

Posted by: Michael Vick at July 18, 2007 01:42 AM

At least blowing himself he doesn't have to worry about what he's going to catch from some nappy headed ho'.

Posted by: Ron Mexico at July 18, 2007 07:56 AM

So maybe that ape is where a certain rock star got the idea?

Posted by: Jeremy at July 18, 2007 08:27 AM

Yeah but if I know monkeys, he won't kiss himself afterwards....

Posted by: BlogDog at July 18, 2007 11:12 AM

Brings new perspective "monkeying around"

Posted by: Gabby at July 18, 2007 04:08 PM

Ya know why human males can't do that?

We'd still be living in caves...

Posted by: El Capitan at July 19, 2007 03:21 PM