August 08, 2007

Park is a Four Letter Word

I was running errands today without the kids. They asked to attend a couple hour art class and I figured, “Hey, break for me!” and had them go.

So as I did my thing, I walked up to my asexual mom-mobile and it hit me.


As it so often does as I get to my vehicle.

I cannot park worth a crap.

I just so suck at it. And I don’t know what it is and why it is. TGOO has said I’ve always sucked at it. Its not getting any better and I’ve been driving for over 24 years.

First let me state, I fully believe, that when a parking spot is mine, I can park any damn way I want, as long as I just stay in my two lines. It is MY space to do as I please, so if I want to park cockeyed? Too bad. If I’m not infringing on your spot, it’s not your business.

But there is that small thing called… Ego.

It is still embarrassing to see how my vehicle is parked as opposed to others. I’ll walk into a parking lot and most of the vehicles are parked perfectly straight, the same amount of space on each side to their allotted white line.

You look at mine and I’m at a slant. Or cant. Or something. Not straight.

I must be missing some visual cue that others are catching. I must be.

Even these Moms who drive these big assed Hummers get their vehicles between the two lines STRAIGHT. Me? I could never own one of those, and not just because they get 5 mpg and I’d be afraid I’d end up in environmental hell with the likes of scum like Michael Moore who will be there just because he’s such a frickin’ scum, but I could not own one for fear I’d crush some little Previa while trying to park my Hummer.

I’ve never hit anything while parking. NEVER. But there are times where it can take me two or three times for me to get my car into what I think is an acceptable position which is akin to my saying, “When I walk to the car, I won’t be embarrassed that I parked it.”

I’ll park, look out the door, back up, move the wheels, park again. I’ve been known to look over my shoulder on the way to the store and think, “Egad! I cannot leave it like that!” and run over and repark.

I have parked, realize I’m cockeyed, start to pull out to repark, only to hear my 12 year old say, “Moms not straight. Give her a minute… or two.” Looking in the rearview mirror, I can see his brothers looking at him knowingly, a silent understanding that Mom isn’t probably going to get this quite right… this parking thing… again.

I like to blame it on the fact I am too short for my vehicle. I can’t see the whole front when I park, but I know that’s not what it is. I just suck. I am wondering that after I am gainfully employed again if I should go to one of those Driver teaching schools, and say, “hey, can you teach me to park?”

Honestly, if TGOO couldn’t do it 24 years ago when I had no bad habits, I suspect nobody can. Hopeless cause. I feel certain.

Good thing I didn’t follow in Dear old Dad’s footsteps and become a pilot? Can you frickin’ imagine?

Posted by Boudicca at August 8, 2007 08:20 PM | TrackBack

I back my rig in, and use the side mirrors to spot the symmetry of the space between the lines of the vehicle and the lines of the lot. Plus, it do make for a quick getaway... Oh, and damn sure don't feel bad if you run over a Prius or a Previa... there's probably a Gore inside anyway, and they were doin' a hundred just tryin' to beat you to the good parkin' spot.

Posted by: RedNeck at August 8, 2007 08:44 PM

Good Lord, I don't even THINK of backing into something. *shudder* for sure I would hit something... on all sides!

Posted by: Bou at August 8, 2007 08:50 PM

First of all, hysterical. I *so* enjoyed reading this. My editor is, alongside you, probably the other worst parker on the eastern seaboard. The man gets into more fender benders, without actually being in the car (they happen WHILE he is parked), than anyone, ever. I've worked at my job for seven years, and he's been hit at least 10 times.

And the strange part, as a terrible parker, he is the most kickassed driver...Richard Petty, Indy 500-like. He drives a Jaguar S-Type (as rich bosses are sometimes wont to doing) and I'm the only one, if we need to go somewhere for bidniss, who will sit in the front seat with him. At least one colleague of mine, while sitting in the back seat, had to get out and ralph on the side of the road.

But the fact remains, he parks like crap, all jutting out and weird, three feet from the curb, slanted. It's hopeless. I suspect it is for you, as well.


Posted by: Erica at August 9, 2007 07:02 AM

I suck at backing up. Badly. I can park crooked, but most times I do okay... just don't ask me to back the thing up other than out of the parking spot or straight back for a short distance.

I was in awe of our realtor lady here... she could back her SUV down all these long twisty driveways. I run off the side and have to go forward then try again... For some reason, what I do going forward completely baffles me going in reverse. It's really embarrassing.

Posted by: Teresa at August 9, 2007 07:03 AM

We back into our garage because it's easier to get out that way.

For one week each month I suck at backing up and parking, I average 3 tries before getting it where it should be.

It's like those extra hormones just kill my backing up gene.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at August 9, 2007 07:24 AM

"For some reason, what I do going forward completely baffles me going in reverse. It's really embarrassing."

T, kind of like how hard it was for Ginger to do everything Fred did, but backwards and in high heels?

Posted by: Erica at August 9, 2007 10:57 AM

If we have a GPS to tell us were to go forward, where to turn, why can't we have one to tell how how to park? OK we have the project, now where is our techie?

Posted by: nickel1942 at August 9, 2007 06:07 PM

Actually, I think one of the new Infinity models parallel parks itself. It also brakes by itself if it senses an impending impact.

Sung to the tune of Video Killed the Radio star
Everybody sing...

"Technology starved the bo-dy-man..."

Posted by: P'Cola Titan at August 9, 2007 07:46 PM

I'm with you about the 'short' thing. I used to wonder why I could never back straight into our driveway...and then I realized I don't have the line of sight most people do. My husband is a foot taller than me and can see into the next county while in reverse...Me, I'm lucky to see over the seat!

Posted by: Mrs. Who at August 9, 2007 07:51 PM

Hey, parking's not such a bit deal... It's "merging" that will get you. I wouldn't worry...

Posted by: Richmond at August 9, 2007 08:03 PM

manual trackback

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at August 12, 2007 08:17 PM