September 26, 2007

Blow By Blow on Bionic Boobs

Think. Think. Think.

By my calculations, four men who are not my husband have seen my breasts in the last year. That would be… my OBGYN, my radiologist, the breast surgeon, and the breast surgeon’s ultra sound tech that is pretty much his right hand man during biopsies.

And… maybe… I am trying to think, my dermatologist, which could very well lift that number to five. I just can’t remember whether he had to check the white meat last I saw him.

So by my calculations of four or possibly five men having seen my breasts in the last 12 months, that is probably more men who saw my breasts during my entire dating life.

Those are the things I think about when I’m alone and contemplating this whole breast deal. Things like this pop into my head, “HOLY CRAP! More men outside of my husband have seen my breasts this year than the entire time I was single and dating!”

Eh, maybe it’s a stretch… but then again. Maybe not.

So the drive by went well. It is a good sign when you walk into your surgeon’s office and realize that the doctor who referred you… his mother is sitting in the waiting room for a consult with the same doctor. I call that a good omen.

Unless of course my doctor hates his mother… but I know for a fact he doesn’t. He dotes on her.

So. That was good.

For those who have never had a needle biopsy, this is the deal. I went in, stripped to the waist and put on one of those paper shirts open at the front, I laid down and the ultra sound tech did his thing to make sure he could find what the radiologist said existed. The doctor came in, he talked to me, the nurse, the tech, he took some numbing stuff and injected my breast about five times. One time burned a bit, but I would say in comparing it to novacaine in a dental office… the dental office injection is far worse. This was a piece of cake and probably burned for all of three seconds, quickly numbing as the drug started to work. I didn’t feel any of the other injections.

He took this little scalpel thing and made an incision. I had no idea that’s what he was doing, because at this point I thought I’d watch. But then I saw what the needle thing looked like and how he'd poked a hole and how it was going to be inserted and said, ‘You know, I thought I’d watch, but I think I’ll just watch the ultrasound instead.’

The ‘needle’ has a long sleeve that comes out of a handle and there is obviously suction capability. The 'needle appears to be hollow, slightly larger in diameter than a juice box straw. Maybe twice the size. He put it in the hole, I gather as I’d quit watching for fear of barfing, and I watched it appear on the ultrasound monitor while he and the tech watched for it to appear below my fibroid.

When it was below and they were in agreement, he started the machine and the needle sliced away at the fibroid, sucking up the tissue samples and putting them into some place I could not see, but I am gathering was a sterile container located… somewhere outside my field of vision.

I felt nothing.

The doctor said to the ultrasound tech, “Look at the size. How have we done? Has it changed shape?”

And *I* said, “Yeah! I think you have half of it gone!!!” at which there was a bit of a pause in the room and then the ultrasound tech said, “Yes, you most definitely have a good sample.”

Then he pulled something out of the back end of the handle of the needle machine, inserting something else and said to me, “OK, we’re going to put a marker in there now just in case it is cancer…” and I now looked at him, my breast which only had a few drops of blood, and the instrument protruding and said, ‘Would this marker be made of titanium?’ and as he said, “Why yes, it is” and *THUNK* it was in.

In a blink of an eye I had a titanium tit, the bionic boob, and there was never any question. It was just “Yes” *thwack*. I said, “I don’t have to carry a card for the TSA guy in the airport?” and he said, “Uhhh, no.”

Then he left, the ultrasound guy put a gauze on my breast, I pressed it hard to keep it from bleeding, and the nurse came and put steri strips on it. I look like I have a snowflake on my right breast, 10:00 position.

I’ve been icing it on and off, every 15 minutes for most of the day, only failing to do so when I was out and about with my boys and the ice melted. I wore a big denim shirt today to hide any swelling or the fact I might not be able to wear a bra. Neither of those has been an issue. Bruising is non-existent I think, although my husband thinks there will be. The bonus of my having one breast slightly smaller than the other is the fact when I wore the big denim shirt and had ice on the right side… I didn’t look lopsided.

Thank God for small favors.

So. It’s done. The whole process was truly a non-event. I’m not sore… yet, but could be. The only time I got a bit nauseous was when I realized I could not watch and when I watched the ultrasound when they were trying to get close to the fibroid and I saw all the fat squishing around on the monitor. That was kind of icky.

I picked the right field. Aerospace doesn't have blood or fat or tissue.

I get the results on Friday at 2:15. I had hoped to just call in for the results, but the nurse told me I had to come in. Great. Of the entire process… I will admit… that is the only thing I am nervous about. There is a 96% chance that I will sit across from him and he will say, “Bou, it is benign.” But that 4%... well… I’m just not thinking about it.

The rubber is meeting the road at this point. And I know I’ll be fine and the doctor knows I’m fine, but my blood did run a bit cold when he said, “OK, we’re going to put a marker in there now just in case it is cancer…” All senses were definitely functioning on overdrive.

That’s the deal.

Oh, as for the hair, it’s just above my shoulders. It’s cute, which bugs me. Puppies are cute. Those mini-coup cars are cute. Forty-two year old women should not be cute. But unfortunately, that’s what happens when you’re 5’2” and not very big and you get your hair cut kind of short. You get cute. Kind of like being four years old and getting the pixie cut. But not. I’ll get used to it. I’m just not looking forward to hearing the “I like your hair! Its cute!” tomorrow. Perhaps I’ll keep a running tally.

And my doctor was right. It took about 20 minutes with him in attendance, thirty if you include the pre-op stuff and the post-op stuff with the tech and nurse and me.

Bottom line... I'd do it again in a heartbeat and knowing what I know, would have not the slightest bit of dread, fear, or trepidation. NONE.

And I'd probably do the haircut too. ;-)

Posted by Boudicca at September 26, 2007 08:40 PM | TrackBack

I'm so glad the punch [and the hair] went well! :)

The waiting for results is always the hardest part, even if you're sure everything is fine....

I couldn't have watched. No way. ;) I had plastic surgery on my nose for skin cancer and became sick to my stomach not from pain, but because they kept tugging on my nose and... ugh. Still makes me sick.

Posted by: pam at September 26, 2007 09:30 PM

Bionic boob...

You know I'm picturing you shooting death rays out of it don't you...

Either that or it will knock a guy on his ass at 20 paces just by you aiming it at him.


As for worrying... I'll start that Friday at about 2:15, until then, you're super woman. ;-)

Posted by: Teresa at September 26, 2007 09:42 PM

I can't wait to see the hair. Next time you go in, have them change up the shaping and it won't be so cute :-)

Glad to hear the bionic boob operation went well. Keeping my fingers crossed for good news Friday.

Posted by: caltechgirl at September 27, 2007 02:18 AM

Glad you're doing well... I can't believe they make you wait for all of this! The place we have here does everything on the same day. You end up in the waiting room for a long time, but if you choose to stay for the results, you don't have to go home & come back. I've had the needle biopsy too, a couple of times. Not pleasant, but compared to the alternative, not so bad... Sending good thoughts for Friday.

Posted by: Marie at September 27, 2007 05:14 AM

All I can think of is that email humor that went around about putting music in a woman's boob so that men had an excuse to look at them... Is your boobs going to play music now???

Posted by: vw bug at September 27, 2007 05:30 AM

Bou has Bionic Boobs!
Bou has Bionic Boobs!


Bionic White Meat? :)

Posted by: Ogre at September 27, 2007 09:54 AM

Pam- I really really thought I'd watch. I even watched him cut the hole. I mean, it was 3 inches from my face, or so it felt. I guess three inches isn't right or my breast would be on my shoulder... but it felt CLOSE. But then I realized I could not watch him poke that thing in. It was not going to be like an injection or drawing blood, which I watch all the time. No. And I said to them, "this must be like liposuction" and they all said, "this is NOTHING like liposuction" and as I looked at the ultrasound I said, "But look at all that fat squishing around!" and the doctor said to me, 'Trust me, this is not like liposcution." Ick,

Teresa- You reminded me of that cartoon I used to watch as a kid when we lived in Taiwan. I even blogged on it. The female robot's tits shot off as missles! I definitely like the death ray thought better...

CTG- Yeah, I need a new shape. It's OK, but I have that kind of hair that looks stringy at the end of the day. I need to keep it pulled up all the time or I look like I just rolled out of bed.

Marie- Well the place I go will typically do it all right then and there... BUT, the radiologist didn't think it was cancer and he wanted my other dr to see it. So we had it done yesterday, but a surgeon. Its the waiting for the biopsy report that kinda sorta sucks... just a little.

VW- Crap. I should have asked for a little radio! I could have my right breast play my theme song chorus of "I'm a hazard to myself"!

Ogre- YES! I have bionic white meat. I think I need a tattoo over my scar...

Posted by: Bou at September 27, 2007 10:16 AM

"The female robot's tits shot off as missles!"

I now have visions of Bou the Fembot.

Posted by: Raging Mom at September 27, 2007 10:48 AM

Raging Mom- Oh its in this post. Big huge pink robot who defended herself by shooting off tit missles. Good stuff.

In the post you'll see my bro and I go around and around in the comments until my reader Brian finds the answer.

Posted by: Bou at September 27, 2007 11:16 AM


Followed you over from Lex's place and read this. The post's title and first para had my lunch time diet coke coming out of my nose and then wondering what the hell was I doing here. Especially your discussion on the who's who, and who got to take in nature's beauty. I immediately tried to maintain a gentlemanly distance and skipped to the bottom line. Got the gist of it. Hope all is well with the test results and will keep you and yours in prayer. All the best,


Posted by: GEO6 at September 27, 2007 01:06 PM

Geo6- Well, my philosophy is I have to laugh about this now, because the horror of the possibilities is quite frankly, more than I can handle, even though I act like its no biggy. Actually, that's my philosophy about my life in general. Poke fun and laugh and somehow it all seems to be endurable. ;-)

Posted by: Bou at September 27, 2007 02:51 PM

I will definitely be sending good thoughts you way. Here's hoping for the 96%!!

Posted by: Richmond at September 27, 2007 03:33 PM

Hopefully things go well for you. Just watch out for the re-biopsy. Those aren't as much fun.

Posted by: Contagion at September 27, 2007 06:08 PM

Bou- Thanks for your nice email and comments here. I want to publicly apologise for giving the impression I was offended. Your intent was met as I had laughed with a mouthful of coke. Not recommended when in front of a lap top. Also a very noble effort to inform and urge others to get their annual mammogram. All the best! GEO6

Posted by: GEO6 at September 27, 2007 06:13 PM

I'm not having to face a biopsy...yet. Thank you for helping to alleviate some of the fear. I know what you mean about the nervousness of waiting for results.

Prayers for a happy answer for you tomorrow!

Posted by: Mrs. Who at September 27, 2007 07:07 PM

I hate cute cuts. I want to be sexy!! I want to hear "I love your haircut! Huuuubba, hubba!!"

Posted by: Amy at September 27, 2007 11:00 PM