November 26, 2007

Crazy Christmas Help

So I went to Brookstone today to pick up a very cool gift that I'm very excited to give and... met a saleswoman that completely freaked me out and now I'm afraid to walk in that store again.


I like to shop in the middle of the week when most people are working and all the kids are in school. The mall is not so busy. I like that. I have my list, zip in, zip out, BAM! I'm done.

For the record, I love Brookstone. Its just so... gadgety. I usually buy one gift from there and nine times out of ten, I'll stop in before Christmas Eve and pick up a stocking stuffer or two for my husband.

He's a gadget kind 'o guy.

Not this year.

I beelined to the gift I needed, picked it up and thought I would wander quietly through the store and touch what I'd seen in magazines to see if there was something else I might want. I know, it is odd, but when shopping I become very tactile. I like to touch stuff. Sometimes I'll suddenly want to buy what is in my hands, but when I saw it in the magazine I may have been not so inclined.

And I'm quietly doing my thing, on my time, in quietnes, which is how I love the mall, and suddenly I was accosted by a salesperson.

I want you to read the following really really fast. I mean setting the record player (if all y'all remember what those are) on super duper fast so you get that funky fast voice.

That fast.

"Hi! Hi! Hi! Can I help you? Let me hold that for you! I'll hold it for you while you shop! I can take it to the register! Are you looking for anything in particular? I can help you in any way you need! I'll be on the floor! Just look for me! I'll have this at the register! Let me know if you need help!!!"

Holy crap. I stood there kind of shell shocked, speechleesly handing her my purchase, and quietly and SLOWLY said (in hopes that quiet and slow would rub off), "Why, thank you. I'll just browse..."

What I wanted to say was, "Step AWAY from the CAFFEINE!"


She had to have been mainlining it with something. Happy Juice. I don't know. But that was the beginning.

And in case you're picturing in your mind, 18 year old mindless happy strungout-on-too-much-Starbucks chicky girl.


She was 55 year old, mommish with blonde Farah Fawcet hair, and the thickest NY accent I have ever heard spoken that fast. I know many New Yorkers and they can speak at a fast clip, but this caffeine crazed creep chick could out talk anyone in spades. She was frickin' Mario Andretti of talk.

I immediately wanted to get the hell out of there.

Good feeling gone.

She'd messed with my shopping karma. I made my way to the check out where I was inundated with:


Me: No, really...

Her: blahblahblahblah!!!blahblahblahblah!!!

Me: Can I get a gift receipt?


Me: No, really, I'm fine, but thank you.

Her: OKthen!Wouldyouliketobuyoneofour5in1wobblyeggs?

Me: No.

I was starting to become rude. I'm NEVER like that to salespeople. I am never rude to salespeople or wait staff. NEVER. And I could feeling it creeping in! I could feel myself wanting to be really really nasty to her!

Her, reverting to some high speed kindergarten teacher voice which now made me want to frickin' bitch slap her: Oksee,thisdottedline?Wellyousignthere!!!

I could not get out of there fast enough. I'm telling you, I don't know what drugs she was doing, but there was WAAAAY too much happiness and ... fast. Speedy.

She was the absolute opposite of the workers at the soulless hellhole that sucks the Christmas spirit out of you.

Balance. I guess it balanced out yesterday. I'm pushing for NORMAL Christmas now. Its got to be there somewhere...

Posted by Boudicca at November 26, 2007 09:57 PM | TrackBack

Should have given her the ol Lebowski..


Posted by: P'cola Titan at November 26, 2007 10:29 PM

There used to be this store at our mall called "All Wound Up". In it was every windup toy you could possibly imagine. Things crawling on the floor, climbing up walls, buzzing around on the ceiling. The whole experience was very - kinetic. Frenetically kinetic, in fact. I could only take that place for a few minutes before I had to leave. (We do, however, have one purchase from there - a huge plastic cockroach with glowing eyes that zips around on the floor wiggling its legs. If you tap it with your toe, it changes its bearing and shifts into warp drive.) I think, if this store still exists and has outlets in Florida, that this woman you described would be PERFECT there!

Posted by: Peggy U at November 27, 2007 01:01 AM

Folks like that are typically kept sedated in rubber rooms until the job postings for seasonal holiday workers are announced. After the January inventory is complete, they'll be tucked away until next year!

Posted by: El Capitan at November 27, 2007 05:31 AM

I can't listen at hyper speed, let alone speak that quickly. I would have run out of the place. Literally. You showed great determination in staying to actually purchase the gift!

Posted by: pam at November 27, 2007 10:46 AM

Huh, I'm surprised to read you saying someone talks fast. I've spoken with you and I swear you could set world records.

Posted by: Contagion at November 27, 2007 06:29 PM

Yeepers. Reason number 3987 to avoid the mall this year. Or really, *Any* shopping away from the computer... Gah...

Posted by: Richmond at November 27, 2007 07:32 PM