January 18, 2008

What To Do With That Spare Camel Lying Around

Most of you know, I don’t watch a lot of TV. I am usually sequestered on the other side of the house when it’s on. I can’t take the perpetual noise. At times, it is an assault to my ears.

But my boys do watch it and although I monitor it, in the sense I know what channels they watch, they know what they can and cannot watch and will ask if there is doubt. It is mild weather here, so they spend most of their time outside, but there are times they sit and watch.

And it’s not like when we were kids. Television had nothing during the day when we were kids, except soap operas and game shows and if there was more, it was kids’ sitcoms like The Brady Bunch. (Yes, I loved that show…)

Now, there is the Military Channel, Discovery Channel, Nickelodeon, Disney (they don’t watch it), History Channel, and Animal Planet… and I know there are more. I’m amazed when I walk through to find my eldest boy glued to the Military Channel and absorbing it. Or when I come through and they’re watching the Discovery Channel and learning about things during all times of the week, that we used to have to wait to see during the once a week Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. (I loved this show too.)

And while I’m on shows we watched as kids, I LOVED Wide World of Sports. The music that played in the background, I could identify it immediately. “The thrill of victory….. and the agony of defeat’ as we watched, every week, Vinko Bogataj’s spectacular crash off the ski ramp, taking out a retaining fence, after having tumbled uncontrollably in the air on two skis. Holy crap. How can you forget that? We’d watch it just for that…

Anyway, so my kids… they are getting more science and understanding of the world around us from these various shows than I ever did. It just amazes me… some of it in not always a good way, like the time when I was at work and Mr. T came with me for Take Your Child to Work Day, and upon seeing a picture of some Meerkats (it was a joke pasted on someone’s desk, each Meerkat was labeled with a co-worker’s name) he leaned over and said to me, “I’ve seen Meerkats mate…”

Thank.You.Meerkat Manor.And.Animal.Planet.

I am a 42 year old woman and have never seen Meerkats mate. It is not a lofty goal of mine either.

I am a bit clueless of these various shows. I blow them off, to be honest. They seem like a non-event.

So imagine my surprise when I came through the kitchen/family room (we have one of those one big room homes) and there were my boys watching some show where this guy had a… dead camel.

I watched the ‘host’ of this show, as he doubled over to his knees and proceeded to vomit… and I suspect it was not the first time he’d hurled as it was clear liquid, you know, like when your stomach is finally empty and all that’s left is whatever liquid you put in it in an attempt to keep hydrated from the previous puking event.

I stood there, watching this guy throw up on TV, and then looked over at my boys who were… glued. Now if it had been me, I’d have changed the channel. Perhaps it is because I’m a Mom and I’ve just had my share of puking in the last 12 years, most of which y’all have been privy too… from chocolate cake puke to pizza puke to green cool whip puke, but I have absolutely NO DESIRE… AT ALL… to watch someone vomit.

I’ve participated in my fair share, I’ve been puked on, I’ve held people while they hurled, I’ve cleaned it up… I’ve had it on my clothes, in my hair, and in my bed.

NO. I’m done. So if I see someone puking on TV I think, ‘Why should I watch this at leisure? It is a PART OF MY LIFE!!!’ and I’ll change the channel.

Not my boys.

They stood there entranced as this man emptied the contents of his liquid filled stomach into the sand… next to the dead camel.

Are you envisioning this yet?

And I could swear I heard the man say something like, “you have to drink the juice of the intestines to try to stay hydrated…”

I may have heard wrong. Really. But whatever I heard, made the bile start to rise in my throat.

I walked out.

They stayed glued.

A couple minutes I had to walk back in to get something and I looked up and the man is now taking the guts out from the camel and walking them away from the camel. All the innards… pulled out from the camel… being pulled away from the camel as if he were pulling a wagon.

Now it’s just a train wreck to me. I can’t quit watching in that horror ‘could this possibly be for real’ kind of way. The boys are talking amongst themselves and finally look up as the man is now using the carcass of this camel as a place to HIDE, like something out of frickin’ Star Wars, and they say to me, “He is showing us how to protect ourselves from a sandstorm…”

Me: What? Are you kidding me?

Boys: No. Look. He cleaned it out and now he is folding himself in for protection.

Me: And you need this information… why? Because here in S. FL or anywhere in the United States, you may get trapped somewhere in a sandstorm and if you’re lucky enough, there may be a dead camel you can HIDE IN?

They went back to watching… shaking there heads because evidently, ‘Mom doesn’t get it’.

I was trying to figure out the timeline. “Oh shit, there’s a sandstorm coming… quick, slay the camel, gut it, skin it, and hide in it. Sure! I have plenty of time!” or “Shit, I’m stuck in this desert, and my camel’s dead. I better drag it with me everywhere I go, because I might need it for shelter for a sandstorm and don’t worry that dragging the extra few hundred pound carcass might exhaust me or make me thirsty because I have plenty of intestine juice I can drink.”

I think I want to hurl just thinking about that last one. Yuck.

The show continued…

The man very proud of himself, had skinned the camel. Too bad I missed that one. He held up the hide and wrapped himself in it, to show he could use it as a blanket now, to keep warm on those frigid desert nights.

And NOT ONCE did this man ever describe how any of this smelled, at least not that I heard. Dead camels in the hot desert, guts pulled out, skin pulled off… there had to be smell and I’m thinking it wasn’t so good, if anything, the whole vomiting thing had to smell nasty as all get out.

Good God, Yuck.

And as if this was not all absurd enough… Good God… no kidding… the camera focused on the top 1/3 of his body as he walked, with his dick in his hand… and he proceeded to urinate in a GIGANTIC circle around the dead hollow camel.

He was marking his territory so some freaky animal wouldn’t come after his gutted skinless camel shelter.

No, they did not show his 'male member', but folks, he was walking and peeing, and you could tell that’s what he was doing. The man has no shame…

He then told the audience, which I am assuming was more than my three absolutely fascinated boys, that throughout the night, any time nature called, they were to empty their bladders in a circle around the camel hut, to ward off the other mammals that might want it… you know… to eat.

Blech.

And sure, this works great if you have boys parts, but what if you're a girl trapped in this situation? Are we to walk like a duck and pee in a big circle around said animal carcass? Well?

I’m not sure of the practical application of this show and why it exists. I mean, I guess we could extrapolate to some nasty horrible hail storm in the middle of a cow field and hiding in a cow’s body, skinning it for a blanket, and then peeing around it in a big circle to ward off… wolves?

Who in the hell knows.

But hey, now my boys know. Whether they could actually DO IT or not, is a different story. But now… they know.

And now… so do I. Ick.

Posted by Boudicca at January 18, 2008 09:21 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Uh, just what the heck show were they watching because I need to be very sure not to run across it when changing channels. Yuck!

Kathryn

Posted by: TxAFbrat at January 18, 2008 09:39 PM

I asked Bones and he said something like survivor man. I think Survivor Man needs to take a more realistic view on what one should want to survive.

Posted by: Bou at January 18, 2008 09:57 PM

That would be Man Vs. Wild, not to be confused with Survivor Man ... another show in the same vein, but less sensationalistic and more informative. Besides, the guy on Man Vs. Wild brings a camera crew with him, whereas the other guy is on his own. So, it pissed me off to no end when I saw the first guy bite the head off an unsuspecting and undeserving tree frog. I don't have a problem with eating the frog if it was truly necessary for survival. But for showmanship?! Leave the pathetic little amphibian alone and eat the Chex Mix you stashed in your camera man's fanny pack! We get the idea without the graphics. I suspect most of us, if we were in dire need, would remember that tree frogs are edible and would grudgingly eat them. However, simply mentioning that they are edible and how to find them would have sufficed. As it is, I don't think he mentioned how to find them ... that would have been a lot more useful than watching him snarf one down. Also, when it comes to drinking one's own pee ...Man Vs. Wild guy just goes for it - chugalug, followed by much retching ... Survivor Man demonstrates how to filter it first, but doesn't demonstrate the actual drinking. Again, demo not necessary - info good! The guy you saw inside the hollowed-out camel was the Man Vs. Wild guy.

Posted by: Peggy U at January 18, 2008 10:02 PM

This dude:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gRTIkj5HF90

Posted by: Toluca Nole at January 18, 2008 10:10 PM

Peggy, don't watch the link I posted. FYI -- it ain't the tree frog, but you may not want to see it.

Posted by: Toluca Nole at January 18, 2008 10:12 PM

Oh, holy crap TN. Thank you very much. I mean, I'm thinking - big deal, the man catches a fish through a hole in the ice.

What does he mean he can't build a fire? He used a fricken tree branch to tie the line to. If he had one there must be others. Light that!

I bailed when he stuck his fingers down the fish's throat and talked about 'one bite through the spine will kill it'.

Hey, outdoorsy, I am NOT.

Kathryn

Posted by: TxAFbrat at January 18, 2008 10:17 PM

Don't worry TN. It's not a squeamishness issue. It's the pointlessness that annoys me! I think the idea of a survival show is a good one. The idea of a grossout show with useless information is not. I like Dirty Jobs though, and it can be pretty disgusting!

Posted by: Peggy U at January 18, 2008 10:19 PM

Mheh. I remember dissecting a fish that had some really grotty liver flukes! Mmmm. Parasites! Watching that guy eat a fish reminds me of Gollum.

Posted by: Peggy U at January 18, 2008 10:23 PM

Peggy- Oh I forgot there was another show! Bones said there were two the other day when we were rehashing the camel issue. yes, this was man vs. wild. Blech.

TN- I think I'm afraid to view that...

Posted by: Bou at January 18, 2008 10:25 PM

But you must...

Posted by: Toluca Nole at January 18, 2008 10:29 PM

OK, I made Mo watch it with me while we skyped. that was nasty. I'm with Kathryn. I'm not so outdoorsy.

And we were laughing at Kathryn's comment, "Light That!" Heh.

Peggy- It reminded Morrigan of the Batman movie and Penguin. oh and I agree... no reason to be sensational about the frog. Explanations work...



Posted by: Bou at January 18, 2008 10:35 PM

This show is a topic of popular conversation at work...at lunch. I love to hear the stories...rather not watch it...

Posted by: Sissy at January 19, 2008 12:41 AM

OK first of all...this is not a chick show. You ever catch the boys watching Oxygen? HGTV? If you EVER catch them watching "How not to Dress" its probably time to worry. Fer Gawdssake they shoot at each other all the time, survival of the fittest is part of their genetics...hence the Man vs. Wild.

You probably missed the part where he emptied the liquid filled contents of the camels stomach (grass or whatever) into his shirt, squeezed it until it dripped into his mouth to "hydrate".

Uhhh...no i don't watch the show, i just read the info bar. We watch the highly acclaimed family oriented...Ultimate Fighting Championships. Talk about watching a train wreck, the Queen always seems to have something else to do and dissappears about 40 seconds into round one. Although, Princess #2 can perform a fine rear naked choke hold now, that should prove extremely valuable in the future.

Posted by: Jay- the friendly neighborhood piper at January 19, 2008 02:44 AM

LOL, Jay! We also have that going on at this house. Oldest boy and his friends are UFC fans. Mostly, however, it's the Discovery Channel. Most often watched show is probably Myth Busters.

Posted by: Peggy U at January 19, 2008 03:09 AM

Um... you probably didn't mean for this to be funny, but by the time camel boy whipped it out I was laughing out loud. I'm sure at least part of the hilarity stems from imagining your boys camping in the back yard one night and you peeking out the window to see them making their own circle...

Posted by: pam at January 19, 2008 08:00 AM

LMAO. Disgusting but hilarious.

Posted by: sticks at January 19, 2008 08:19 AM

Google

Posted by: lbxko at January 19, 2008 08:40 AM

Sissy- I am content to never watch it again. I think this guy seriously has issues. Its like that show where people eat gross stuff? He's one of those guys.

Jay- OH! Point taken! No, they don't watch those channels, of which I will say I have also only heard of and not partaken. I think that part where he was vomiting may have been after he drank the stomach contents. I thought he said intestines. The whole thing was so frickin' NASTY I don't remember.

They've never watched UFC. Good Grief... not that I know of anyway.

Peggy- Myth Busters is BIG in this house. BIG. It is quoted often... "Oh yeah, well Myth Busters said..."

Pam- I was laughing when I wrote it. ;-) I have actually been talking about this incident for a few weeks. I go into this hugely demonstrative routine when I tell the story. All the guys at work have heard it. :) And yeah, there will be NO PEEING around our campsite next month! NO! Heh!

Sticks- It was NASTY... but funny.

Posted by: Bou at January 19, 2008 09:21 AM

I watch Man vs Wild alot, it's a train wreak and I can't help it. I also think the dude is hot.

I saw the Alaska one, he just happened to find an abandoned house, which of course just happened to have a row boat. And of course once out into the sound it just happened to spring a leak and of course there just happened to be a ice bar leading to land nearby.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at January 19, 2008 11:58 AM

Yeah, Bou.
What you said.
And what everyone else said.

Somedays I really hate living with males.
I swear, one day I'm gonna paint everything pink and stick feathers on everything, and maybe they'll all stay away... like mirrors and garlic work on vampires. Heh.

Posted by: Roses at January 19, 2008 03:11 PM

Roses: I think maybe some candles and potpourri.

Posted by: Peggy U at January 19, 2008 05:18 PM

I actually like Man vs. Wild. The things he does are sorta necessary because he gets dropped off in the middle of nowhere with very litle and has to survive. That is how he survives. one day he won't.

Also, I'm pretty outdoorsy, so it is cool to know I can survive if I get trapped somewhere. The other guy? Survivor Man? He has a camera crew and is purely informational. But Bear Grills from Man v. Wild - he rocks. I'd never ever do what he does but I'm fascinated by it. So is my boy.

Posted by: oddybobo at January 19, 2008 06:08 PM

My son - he is four- tells me I have it backwards. Survivor Man Les Stroud goes in alone and is the cool one! I like them both . . . Ahh well.

Posted by: oddybobo at January 19, 2008 06:27 PM

Les Stroud is the cool one, IMO. He doesn't eat crunchy frog.

Posted by: Peggy U at January 19, 2008 07:53 PM

Another vote for Les - because he goes it alone.

Anyway, just in case you ever need to pee a circle around a camel:

http://badexample.mu.nu/archives/153651.php

Posted by: Harvey at January 20, 2008 11:36 PM