September 24, 2008

Better Than The Smell of Napalm In the Morning

Nothing quite beats coming into a home with the essence of baked angel food cake and the fudgy frosting scent wafting through the air, the smell of a chicken pot pie, and… the stench of decomposing hamster.

Yes, I was having guests to my home tonight for dinner, and this is all that ran through my mind.

Some dear friends of ours are missionaries in Africa. They have been gone for three years and have returned for a year stateside, and will return to Africa after the end of this 12 month rejuvenation.

And so in my excitement that they were back visiting, I planned a big home cooked meal, running home from work and school activities to start cooking.

Cake baking in the oven, chicken simmering on the stove in a pot full of broth and spices, I said to Bones, “Go feed your hamster! Change its water! I think its been 3 days…”

Off he went and came back yelling, ‘MOM! MOM! MOM! I think its dead! It smells AWFUL in the cage and she’s not moving!’

Up to my elbows in slicing potatoes, I said to Mr. T, ‘Please go check on your brother.’

I mean, I’d JUST heard the hamster two or three nights ago. Bones exaggerates. Surely if the hamster was dead he was making up the stench smell because… that’s how Bones is.

Drama King.

Mr. T came back, gagging with Bones, and said, “OH NO! Not only does it stink, but there are flies!”

Good… GAWD… NO.

I had guests coming and I have decomposing hamster in the rec room?

Gritting my teeth, I finished the potatoes, checked on the chicken, popped the oven open to look at the cake, and walked into the rec room to see said stinky hamster.

Sure enough, there it lay, in the middle of the cage, obviously dead, and there were two flies… and there was most definitely the stench of beginning rot.

Into my bedroom I walked, not finding a shoe box, but finding a paper shopping bag instead, and back to the cage, with dust bin in hand, I held my breath as I dumped the fuzzy body into the new designer body bag.

I grabbed a shovel on the way out the door and started digging a hole in what is our hamster cemetery, the entire time cursing under my breath that “I don’t have f***ing time for this” and “If I dig this hole and hit the remains of another dead damn hamster, I am going to be PISSED.”

The universe was shining brightly as I didn’t hit an old burial site. The boys came bouncing out irritated that I’d buried the hamster because they’d wanted to do it. I allowed them to cover the hole and pat the dirt… say a few prayers and whatever they needed to do… while I went to get rid of the remnants of the inside of the cage.

After taking out the trash and eliminating any evidence of 'death in our home', scrubbing my hands raw, I finished cooking dinner hoping to high heavens that my guests didn’t arrive, to have my girlfriend pull me aside and say quietly, “Bou, it smells like something died in your house…”

Because of course, my answer would have had to have been, “Hmmm...Funny you should say that…”

Luckily… all smell was eradicated except for that of a good dinner and dessert.


Sometimes I look at my life and say, “Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.”

Posted by Boudicca at September 24, 2008 09:20 PM | TrackBack

OMG! That is the funniest thing I've heard all day!

Posted by: oddybobo at September 24, 2008 10:26 PM

Death is not a laughing matter :( ... so why am I snickering?!!!

Remind me to tell you about our combination birthday party/cat funeral some time, Bou! Hallmark just doesn't have a card for some of life's moments, does it?

Posted by: PeggyU at September 24, 2008 10:35 PM

More proof that God does have a sense of humor... And apparently, felt you needed to be put through your paces and roll with it...

So when is the next Hamster coming to the House of Bou?

Posted by: jck at September 25, 2008 06:43 AM

Ohhh... I forgot to tell you about T finding a dead body... we have got to talk again!

Posted by: vw bug at September 25, 2008 07:02 AM

Gah!! And it always happens when you are up to your elbows with guests on the way - doesn't it??? I am glad to have a hamster free house for the moment... Now even more so...

Posted by: Richmond at September 25, 2008 07:32 AM

Verily, you brought this on yourself. Wasn't it just on Saturday when you said to me, "I can't wait for that hamster to die, it is not a nice hamster at all."

Be careful what you wish for!

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at September 25, 2008 07:37 AM

Dogs live longer than hamsters. ;)

Posted by: pam at September 25, 2008 07:47 AM

In situations like this, burial "at sea" is an option that must be considered.

"Heavenly Father, we have entrusted our hamster to God’s mercy, and we now commit its mortal remains to the deep in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life, until that day when the toilet shall give up her dead..."

Posted by: Elisson at September 25, 2008 10:13 AM

Sad but hilarious at the same time. But it beats coming home from a day of visiting family only to find out some unnamed child decided to slip the dog a slice of sausage pizza that morning. As in, find out the hard way. Luckily the dog crate disassembles for an easy high-pressure hosing. And my wife burned through the bulk of her collection of scented candles to drive the stench out of the house.

Posted by: diamond dave at September 25, 2008 02:24 PM

yes, it makes it difficult to ever quit blogging when you have a dead body to bury right before a dinner party...

and no you cannot make shit like that up

Posted by: a at September 25, 2008 06:55 PM