December 21, 2008

Attempting to Avoid the Handbasket

Itís the time of year where most folks are writing their letters to Santa. Iím going to write mine to God instead. I figure, itís a Christian holiday, he can get a letter too.

In actuality, Iím trying to stave off my first class ticket to hell. I suspect I punched a few more holes in that ticket this year.

Dear God,

I am reflecting on this year on all the good and the bad that Iíve done. I think it probably divides out pretty evenly. The last couple weeks, however, may tip your hand (that hand of God) into the favor of ĎHell in a Hand Basketí.

So these are a couple things I need to inquire about or perhaps ask forgiveness for or maybe not ask forgiveness but hope youíll understand and a couple thank you's and special requests.

First, I know you have that Commandment about not worshipping false idols. So, hereís the deal. Iíve had a tough go trying to complete this marathon for Leukemia and Lymphoma. Its been touch and go and I feel fairly certain my bodyís final blow was during what was supposed to be my 16 mile training on Saturday, that I cut short to 14 miles due to severe pain in the foot and ankle.

Iím looking for my doctorís healing hands toÖ heal me on Monday. Heís not failed me yet, although weíve both probably had doubt, me more so than him. He never tells me when he doubts it.

I was thinking of building a shrine to him in my home. Does that count against that false idol Commandment?

Second, my sister and brother are currently at my folksí house, having arrived for Christmas a few days early. My folks cooked one of my favorite dishes, my Momís Cheese Grits, without me there.

My sister sent me a text message on my phone to rub it in. My brother has been sending me email. My sister even called me on the phone while she was helping to grate the cheese.

Is it OK that I wished Ďthe runsí on them all for tonight? Nothing life threatening, justÖ uncomfortable and messy.

I also wished upon them that none of them make it to the bathroom.

Oh, and I called her a bitch when she called me. I am hoping this all falls underneath your vast understanding. It is my Momís Cheese Grits, afterall.

Third, thanks for making sure nobody got hurt when Pop hit that tree. The fact that no people were involved is a miracle in itself. Having Pop take some personal responsibility would be cool though, if you could arrange it. We all know that tree didnít jump out and hit his passenger door.

And lastly, hereís the deal on my death, if I can put out a special request. Iím not trying to be high maintenance, but I have some Ďdruthersí.

As you and I both know, I have absolutely NO desire to die by falling out of the sky in a fiery ball or an airplane falling apart. The thought of riding a lawn dart onto terra firma is just not on my radar.

However, over the last few weeks Iíve decided that I donít want to age to the point where I am incontinent or cannot take care of myself.

So, keeping that in mind, I think the age where my faculties finally go would be a good age and Iíd like it, to be, of course, in my sleep of a heart attack. I know, its so clichť and unimaginative, but Iíve been watching or hearing of a lot of people die lately and itís REALLY REALLY on my mind.

Not quite obsession, but close.

It doesnít matter how I spin it in my head, the heart attack while sleeping scenario really is the best option.

If anything, at least wait until my children are grown. And I donít want to be a burden on them.

And if it helps when wondering to where I should spend eternity, please keep in mind that I have not 1) cheated anyone out of money, 2) felt any sense of entitlement towards the government while being completely irresponsible, 3) killed anyone (although that temptation was there a couple timesÖ as you know), 4) and for the most part, honored my father and mother, except for that first little part at the beginning of the letter with the Cheese Grits.

Sincerely,

Bou


Posted by Boudicca at December 21, 2008 09:05 PM | TrackBack
Comments

I told Morrigan that it was mean to rub it in about the cheese grits!! I think you should have a big hunk of brie when you get there...right in front of her.

I know you don't drink, but have a class of wine with the brie, just this once.

Or you could do a beer and some Mexican queso dip ...the good unpasteurized kind!

:-)

Posted by: Sissy at December 21, 2008 09:22 PM

I am literally LMBO! That was way too funny. Thanks for sharing your special prayer request. You are so lucky to have your siblings and folks still alive. Enjoy the Season and, most important, stay well "during" your marathon.

Posted by: DammitWomann at December 21, 2008 09:41 PM

The cheese grits were horrible.

Posted by: Toluca Nole at December 21, 2008 09:46 PM

You can say what you want, Bro, but its too late. I know you're lying and I have all those email showing you were doing some sort of happy dance. God understands me. He agrees. All of you should pay.

Really.

I can feel it in my heart.

Posted by: Bou at December 21, 2008 10:16 PM

Oh and to my readers, MUNU SUCKS for comments. My new years resolution is to actually do something about it.. after the marathon.

If you type a comment, and you get that frickin' spam message, hit your right button on your mouse to, click back, and try again. Sometimes it works on the 5th or 6th go... sometimes the 2nd. I see no linear trend...

Posted by: Bou at December 21, 2008 10:18 PM

We also celebrated Saturnalia tonight. It's the solstice, remember? Cheese grits go good with Saturnalia celebrations.

Posted by: Agus of Lochaline at December 21, 2008 10:20 PM

Cheese Grits go better for Christmas Eve. For the Pagan celebration, it should have been something more primal like... Beef. Our Pagan ancestors did NOT eat Cheese Grits during their Saturnalia Celebration. They probably ate Beef and Potatoes.

And pudding. They ate pudding.

Posted by: Bou at December 21, 2008 10:22 PM

Well we didn't have beef and potatoes, but we had ham, biscuits and pecan pie with our cheese grits. It really felt like a true, hedonistic Saturnalia celebration. Burp!

Posted by: Angus, again at December 21, 2008 10:26 PM

It should have been the fatted calf, potatoes, and pudding.

Not ham, biscuits and cheese grits.

Thankfully it was just pecan pie and not something chocolatey.

May your stomachs revolt.

Btw, I checked the weather. A wee bit nippy for that nude dancing under the moon tonight, isn't it? heh heh heh

Posted by: Bou at December 21, 2008 10:29 PM

Aye, a bit nippy. We'll hold off on the traditional dance until the rolling ball of noise can join me.

Posted by: Angus, again at December 21, 2008 10:36 PM

I strongly suspect that the boys will NOT want to partake in that tradition. They still talk about the time they looked under your kilt. Heh heh heh! Cracked me up.

Posted by: Bou at December 21, 2008 10:43 PM

I'm not going to lie- it was a fantastic dinner. Maybe the best cheese grits I have EVER had. hmmm, maybe that's because I knew you were jealous.
I see how you are Sissy- taking sides. What Bou has left out was that I missed the cheese grits night in July but I did not wish mass quantities of pooping. May I remind you Bou that you rubbed it in in July...be sure to ask for forgiveness.

Posted by: morrigan at December 21, 2008 11:02 PM

No, that is NOT what you missed as Mom doesn't make them in July. You missed the bierocks. BIG difference.

Big.

Big.

And Sissy SHOULD take my side! And she's right. I"m going to make a baked brie... with pear. And maybe splurge and have a glass of wine. Even though I think all wine tastes like vomit. I may do it anyway. Heh!

Posted by: Bou at December 21, 2008 11:05 PM

can you hear my stomach growling? I am very hungry now. thanks for that.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at December 22, 2008 07:29 AM

I now know where the boys get their fascination with (gross) oral activities...

...I never would have suspected...but now, it's very,very clear...

:-)

Posted by: Flam at December 22, 2008 08:16 AM

I am speechless. A family flame war. I am so proud!

Posted by: oddybobo at December 22, 2008 08:45 AM

Well...maybe it was bierocks. They are a tradition too.
"Mo takes a bite of cheese grits for breakfast."

Posted by: Morrigan at December 22, 2008 09:42 AM

Dammitwoman- Yes, you are right! I am very very blessed. And my doctor today has me on a schedule to keep me well through this marathon. Good grief, what in the world would I do without him?

Mo- I heard that eating too many cheese grits will make one's unborn child's head get really really big. Heh.

Posted by: Bou at December 22, 2008 01:38 PM

Holy crap Bou, that was funny!

Posted by: Sissy at December 22, 2008 01:46 PM

Is that what happened to son #1? Too many cheese grits?

Posted by: Morrigan at December 22, 2008 01:58 PM

I've never had cheese grits. Seems I'm missing something here.

Bou - I think you should get special dispensation because it really all sounds eminently justified.

ROFLMAO

Posted by: Teresa at December 22, 2008 03:01 PM

Oh boy - glad it's not just my family that is like this!

And I am sorry about the troubles with Pop. I hear you about the "heart attack in your sleep" thing - not a bad way to go at all...

Posted by: Richmond at December 22, 2008 04:02 PM

Mo- Big bubble headed Ringo? Good Lord. I'm thinking its brains now. It was like someone blew up that kids head with air. "HEED!"

Remember how his skull was shaped like Pangia?

Teresa- Oh... cheese grits and ham. Its one of those last supper requests. Some people would request lobster and some steak. Me? I'd request Mom's Cheese Grits and ham.

Richmond- That's what makes good families!!

Yeah, this thing with Pop is a disaster. 12 hours on the floor before someone found him this last time... but you know... he's perfectly fine to drive and he doesn't need 'help'. GRRRR

Posted by: bou at December 22, 2008 04:15 PM

Mo- Big bubble headed Ringo? Good Lord. I'm thinking its brains now. It was like someone blew up that kids head with air. "HEED!"

Remember how his skull was shaped like Pangia?

Teresa- Oh... cheese grits and ham. Its one of those last supper requests. Some people would request lobster and some steak. Me? I'd request Mom's Cheese Grits and ham.

Richmond- That's what makes good families!!

Yeah, this thing with Pop is a disaster. 12 hours on the floor before someone found him this last time... but you know... he's perfectly fine to drive and he doesn't need 'help'. GRRRR

Posted by: Bou at December 22, 2008 04:16 PM

Eating cheese grits, peeking under kilts and dancing nude in the moonlight? Interesting Christmas traditions y'all have there.

Posted by: Bob at December 22, 2008 08:11 PM

..... I'm with Bob on this one...... Merry Christmas!....

Posted by: Eric at December 22, 2008 09:10 PM

Wishing the "screaming Schwartzes" on family? And hoping their dash falls short of the head? That's not right. I've met these folks. None of them deserve that.

;)

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 23, 2008 07:57 PM

Yes! Do sumpin' about MuNu comments! Please!

Posted by: Denny at December 24, 2008 11:48 AM

That was the Post of the year...

Fantastic Piece of Work.

Merry Christmas

PT

Posted by: P'cola Titan at December 24, 2008 10:56 PM