March 07, 2009

Trying To Move Past

Family has been here helping to get my father in law's house prepared to put on the market.

Great time to sell, huh?

In particular in Florida.

It was not a good experience on any front. There is no silver lining, no happy angle in which to look at it. If I had had a crystal ball and had been able to see how horribly it was going to go... I'd never in a million years have believed it.


It's over, permanent damage done. I am left thinking terrible things like maybe its time for someone to just... die.

I feel guilty for it only for two reasons... one he is the grandfather of my children and two, Karmic retribution is a bitch.

My niece is 6 years old. I showed up this afternoon, to find her at Pop's new place in Assisted Living, with family.

She immediately glued herself to me and I took her out on the back balcony where someone had set two chairs. I told her it would be our balcony, where we would drink water and eat cookies.

She sat in my lap and told me all the horrible things she'd heard and witnessed... and I spent the time listening, trying to make sense of it all to a 6 year old.

I told her we need to learn from it... and in the end, we make choices and we can decide what type of people we want to be.

She and I made a pact that we're not going to grow old and be crabby people. It was her idea, it made me laugh, and I think she felt better.

Dealing with all of this has consumed my life this week and I have spent time trying to find the happy place in my head... some place to escape mentally to not have to deal with the swirl of dysfunctionality and nastiness that was surrounding me.

I'm still feeling... prickly... rubbed raw. You can't witness the things I witnessed and not feel... anxious.

My husband is an amazing man.

He deserved better than what he got as a parent.

I will leave it at that.

Posted by Boudicca at March 7, 2009 10:09 PM

I'm really sorry. Of course this will pass - as all bad things do. But we're always left with the memories.

I know one thing for sure - your niece is a very lucky girl to have you there. Someone to listen to her and help her though a rough time.

Posted by: Teresa at March 8, 2009 12:12 AM

Oh mate, I'm sorry to hear things are rough. I just wish somehow I could not be on the other side of the world so I could give you a hug.

And I agree with Teresa, your niece is lucky to have you to talk to.

Posted by: Amanda at March 8, 2009 05:12 AM

I just thought for sure that everyone would be better with my niece around. She is 6. I thought everyone would behave.

I don't know what I was thinking...

Posted by: Bou at March 8, 2009 09:09 AM

Sometimes people are so caught up in their own crap they don't even think about other people no matter what the age, not an excuse though

Posted by: Amanda at March 8, 2009 01:33 PM

Unfortunately, most adults are far more thoughtless about how they act in front of "little pitchers". I'm awfully glad your niece feels comfortable coming to you with her troubles.

The selfishness and rudeness of people, especially to those they care about the most, never fails to astonish me. I'll be thinking of you and your hubby as you try to work through this.

Posted by: caltechgirl at March 8, 2009 01:36 PM

Sending hugs and prayers to your niece, your hubby and you.

Posted by: jck at March 8, 2009 02:01 PM

I keep promising myself I will NOT BE CRABBY! But sometimes when I hurt all over and nothing works I don't even like my self and generally other than sweetthing I am my favorite person!

It is always tough to have to put a parent in a nursing home..been there...done that..and had one hell of time trying to get over the guilt Mother didn't want to go but I had no choice really..and she died only two weeks later.

Posted by: GUYK at March 8, 2009 02:46 PM

Biy - Just keep thinking of Flambina. Make that your happy place.

Posted by: Denny at March 8, 2009 07:56 PM

Bou - Just keep thinking of Flambina. Make that your happy place.

Posted by: Denny at March 8, 2009 07:58 PM

GuyK- As horrible as this sounds, I don't feel guilty at all... nor does anyone else. He's just such a miserable nasty person and has been for as long as anyone can remember.

But I get the crabbiness when everything hurts. I absolutely get that. Unfortunately that's not his case really. He was just born this way. Blech.

The Flambina is my happy place... four more weeks.

Posted by: Bou at March 8, 2009 08:55 PM