May 10, 2009

Time to be a Mother

Today being Mother's Day, I thought I'd post on some new experiences here... and some old.

I've been pretty beat lately. I'm fighting a respiratory infection, and there is just a lot on my mind, a lot of which has not made it here. I try not to dwell... pushing most out of my mind if I can't change it.

Watching my children grow is something I can't change. I joke about it, joke how I blinked and suddenly I have kids who are older.

Y'all started reading me when my kids were in Kindergarten, 2nd grade, and 4th grade.

Next year will be 5th, 7th and 9th. I'll have a kid in high school. In 9 months he'll be getting his learner's permit to drive.

Normally, it doesn't phase me. Like I said, I joke about it, but I don't... look back too much. Life is too short to spend one's time looking over their shoulder wishing for the past.

Besides... it was a lot of work having three boys so close in age.

But on Friday, I was working, working late as we are swamped; the Bookends have decided to cut their hours, because even though my Boss, who has lung cancer and is having part of his lung removed next week, didn't receive the 'life is short' wake up call from his diagnosis, everyone else in the room did, and so now everyone is doing some sort of reassessment.

One long sentence.

So I was working late with my Tech Lead when I realized, "Oh shit!" I had forgotten to drive up to the pediatrician's and pick up Bones' new prescription since we got the all clear from the cardiologist for a new stimulant.

I quickly called, they know me well, and she said, "Oh we're going to be here all night. Drive on up, Bou. I'll have it here for you."

And so I made the trek up to the office, deep in thought, listening to the tunes, picked up his script, and as I was walking back to the elevator, I saw a sticker on the ground.

One square sticker.

From the sticker box in our pede's office.

Just sitting there as some little person had dropped it.

And I have no idea what in the hell happened, but suddenly I was frozen there, transported back in time in my mind, to a little kid holding my hand, wearing sandals and shorts, hop hop hop to the elevator. Bounce bounce bounce down the hall. "Mom! Mom! Mom! Let me push the button!"

Happy sounds. Hopping. He hopped everywhere. All of them did. It was like having rabbits. Hop, bounce, skip, tiny legs and feet, hands, happy energy.

And when I'd gathered myself out of wherever my mind had transported me to, I cannot even remember what child it was that I was staring at in my head, I found myself with tears streaming down my face.

I don't cry that much. I don't consider myself a crying type of girl. I think my husband has seen me cry... he could count on his hands. If I cry, I cry alone.

But here I was standing outside the elevator, staring at this sticker, crying.

I quickly put on my sunglasses, and made my way back to my van, where I proceeded to cry, for the next couple miles. It wasn't a sobbing, but heavy tears rinsing off my make up... as I wondered, "What the f*** happened? Where did it go? How did it happen so quickly?"

How did I end up a middle aged Mom?

How did I end up with a kid going to high school next year?

Wasn't I just holding the hand of a little person, hopping down the hall of some building... whether it was a hotel, a doctor's building, the grocery store?

Wasn't I just telling the cashier at Publix, in a whisper, to please not offer a balloon to my son as it will get caught in the ceiling fan?

Wasn't I just buckling up a carseat? Singing stupid songs in my car? Kissing skinned knees to make them feel better... and it worked?

I don't know what happened.

I got a call from my cell phone that broke me from my despair. A deep voice said, "Mom. Dad was wondering if you could stop by Publix and pick up some veal. They ran out where we were... he's making veal and peppers and we need another half pound."

"Sure," I replied. "Did you get your new shoes?"

We no longer shop at stores like StrideRite. He shops in the mens' department.

He got in my car on Saturday morning to go to Bones' game and I looked at his new shoes.

A size 10.


I told him he looked like a Clydesdale. He's got these big 'ol hooves.

He thinks that's funny.

He's 5'1" and he wears a huge shoe.

Bones gets braces tomorrow. He'll be my 2nd kid in braces... and I wonder...

... where is time going?

Posted by Boudicca at May 10, 2009 09:46 PM

Well happens too fast...

Posted by: AWTM at May 10, 2009 11:09 PM

Bou - I joined you in tears today. I'm a grandma and still get teary-eyed over memories from my kidz and grands. Time is toooooo fast..... I wanna slow it down....way down.........

Enjoy each day.........

Posted by: DammitWoman at May 10, 2009 11:28 PM

Bou, beautiful post. I feel your wonder at the time slipping away and your tears.

We just had to do a Mother's Day project - a photo time line of their lives. I had to pull out all our photo albums and filed photos and look back at by boys' chubby cheeks and sweet-smelling bald heads. The little group of three tiny babies being held on their daddy's chest as he caught a few minutes sleep while they were all quiet. Their first Tiger Cub Scout photos with dimpled knees and gap-toothed smiles. The photo of their first day of pre-school with them looking so proud with their tiny back packs. Photos of them hugging and loving on one another - that NEVER happens anymore. I, like you, am not a big cryer, but I had to wipe away more than a few tears last week. I found myself wishing for another baby - I'm 45 and we had to use extraordinary measures to get our triple blessing in the first place... Is it hormones? Is it the sudden realization that we can never have that again? I don't know, but it kind of threw me for a loop too.

My boys will be going into 6th grade - Middle School! How is that possible. One with braces and an outgoing, dramatic personality, one a star athlete with a sweet demeanor and the bouncy bounce of ADHD just like Bones, one a genius student that has all the logic of Mr. Spock. All so different and grown up. Sigh.

I always read your posts with great interest because your stories of your boys always remind me so much of my own. I have been reading since Bones was in Kindergarten - almost the beginning. You always touch me with something.

Happy Mother's Day.

Posted by: Momotrips at May 11, 2009 12:49 AM

My "baby" is 21. He has lived on his own for 2 years now. I took him to the chiropractor this morning. When your son no longer lives with you and is not a full time student, he has no medical coverage. It is a scary time. Thankfully, the chiropractor was able to fix what ailed him.

Mother's Day was so fun with lots of food and laughter. Then the house gets toooo quiet when they all go home, and my husband and I sit around and blog about it all. They grew up way too fast. And I loved every minute...except maybe the noise. Love every minute. They flee the nest way too soon.

Posted by: joyce at May 11, 2009 02:04 PM

Darn you! Mine ARE that little and now I'm crying. Must go hug them now...

Posted by: Jody at May 11, 2009 04:44 PM

I have been reading you a few years now and stuck with it because your oldest is the same age as mine. I have sat and wondered alot the last few months that how in the world can she be going into high school next year? She was just starting pre-school like yesterday....ok maybe it just seems that way.

glad to hear that someone else out there is going through what I am

Posted by: Cindy at May 11, 2009 06:56 PM

I can only imagine how much will have changed when I see the boy in two weeks (for 2 days). I am dreading it. I catch myself watching him skip away and wondering where that unsure, little toddler went - all the time.

Posted by: oddybobo at May 12, 2009 07:34 AM

I wish I could slow down time, at times.

Posted by: JihadGene at May 12, 2009 12:48 PM

Size 10? Holy crap! I'm wear a size 10 and I'm a foot taller than Ringo.

Posted by: Denny at May 12, 2009 09:37 PM

I meant "I wear a size 10" Arrrrggggghhhh!

Posted by: Denny at May 12, 2009 09:38 PM