November 22, 2009

Needing to Keep my Barefeet Out of the Kitchen

When we visit my folk's home, we all take a day too cook. I picked today.

As I spent time through the week, trying to figure out what I'd make, I decided I wanted to make it more like a Christmas dinner that we'd have at my home, something out of the ordinary, since we would not be gathering as a family this Christmas.

As good fortune would have it, or so I thought, TGOO had just checked out a new cookbook from the library, a cookbook whose name I will not mention for good reason you will soon see.

And starting with the dessert and working backwards, I decided upon Black Bottom Pie and Prime Rib, rounding it out with fresh steamed green beans and mashed potatoes.

I cook a lot. I bake a lot. I'm known for knowing my way around a kitchen.

And today, bordered on... an absolute disaster in every damn way.

Today was a day that the Cooking Gods were looking down and laughing at me, daring me to tempt fate.

Yet I did not hear their laughter.

Unfortunately for everyone.

And at 1:30 I started on the Black Bottom Pie, bringing the milk with the half a split vanilla bean to a simmer and at 3:00 I realized... I was royally screwed and this was a bad bad gig I was playing.

Because it was 3:00 when I decided my custard was finally a custard without it ever doing what the recipe said it should do... I now had only 1 cup of custard left instead of the two... and I'm not even sure how to make sense of this in writing without making you fall asleep.

But suffice it to say, I followed the recipe to a T, a horrible recipe as we have analyzed it to pieces, only to end up with the most hideous looking chocolate dessert one can imagine, with a graham cracker crust, turned to brick with a thick chocolate custard, topped with a meringue infused with shards of brandy custard which looked like yellow pieces of fat floating in white puffs of cream, or as one son said, "pieces of snot', topped with a thin layer of homemade whipped cream.

As I went to cut it, I needed a frickin' chisel. Then I realized we needed bowls.

Consistency issues wouldn't even start with its problems. My brother, who will eat absolutely anything, or as Mo says, "He's a disposal", got halfway through it, looked at me and said, "I'm really really sorry..." threw the rest away.

Meanwhile, Mr. T has had four slices, but we think it's because he has a cold and can't taste it.

And the prime rib? Following a recipe I'd downloaded, eating 2 hours later than we had planned due to the fact we think the meat I bought was frozen inside and we didn't realize it, and the fact I overcooked it a half hour, meant that it was WONDERFUL to my eldest boy who prefers his meat close to ash in 'doneness' and a near abomination to me who likes my meat slightly warmed, a quiet Moo as I cut it is OK with me.

Unfortunately, the potatoes and green beans were finished 2 hours in advance as well, best laid plans and all that, so my Mom put them in her warmer, and saved the day with that.

Add to that, my bro and I love horseradish sauce and I thought the last time we had prime rib at home with his horseradish sauce that we nearly ran out, I double the recipe only to find out that last time we had in fact over a 1/4 cup remaining.

We now have a cup of horseradish sauce in the fridge. I am hoping they go good with eggs.

So let us recap, shall we?

Horseradish sauce to feed the masses.

Overcooked prime rib (yes it was good... even though over done).

Beans and potatoes that were in a warmer for a better part of 2 hours.

Black Bottom Pie/Soup with shards of fatty looking custard within the meringue, skeeving out absolutely everyone with the exception of my 12 year old who has hit a growth spurt and eats so much he has been heard to say to me in exasperation, "Mom, why can I never get full?" at all of 80 pounds, and has a cold so there is no sense of taste.

And the rolls from Publix were fantastic.

What a mess.

Update: I forgot to add, we ate so daggum late, that my sister jokingly said to my boys, something like, "You have to go to bed RIGHT AFTER we eat dinner!" to which her husband added, 'Everyone take a side of toothpaste with you to the dinner table!"


I can't believe how late it took to eat! I couldn't quit laughing...

Posted by Boudicca at November 22, 2009 10:11 PM

I enjoyed "every" morsel! And just think how boring life would be if it didn't provide some 'humorous' memories. Years from now the boys will be embellishing this story for their children. "Recall when we were kids and mom would make prime rib with a side of toothpaste?" Oh yeah, Crest will want a taste of this for their holiday advertising.

Posted by: mom at November 23, 2009 12:00 AM

Oh I can't wait to see you again... I might just have to put some toothpaste in my purse. ;-) Makes me wonder who my thanksgiving is going to turn out... all new recipes this year.

Posted by: vw bug at November 23, 2009 06:10 AM


Posted by: Elisson at November 23, 2009 09:20 AM

Ok . . . have to know who's cookbook. ;) I am doing all new recipes this year as well. I am not looking forward to a disaster :(

Posted by: Oddybobo at November 23, 2009 09:58 AM

Oddy- If it has the word Sweet Tea in it... be careful.

Posted by: Bou at November 23, 2009 10:51 AM

"a quiet Moo as I cut it is OK with me"

ROFLMAO - yeah me too - but I never thought of it quite that way.

Oh it's a good thing to have the occasional disaster... as your mom says - the stories will be around for years and make everyone laugh.

Posted by: Teresa at November 23, 2009 03:47 PM

Amazon has 2 cookbooks with Sweet Tea in the title so I will be sure to keep away from them. Nice to know since I am a cookbook fanatic these days.

Posted by: dick at November 23, 2009 08:58 PM

That's all right. I just bought a bread machine and tried a recipe I found on line for Cranberry bread. It was salty, never rose, cooked to a point that it was not runny, but that's it - and the birds in our yard wouldn't even eat it. Some recipes are missing something - and whoever wrote them should be horsewhipped. It wasn't you - it was whoever wrote the recipe - it's all wrong.

Posted by: suze at November 24, 2009 08:10 PM

Don't feel bad, Bou! We had lunch at an obscenely late hour today. Might as well not have bothered with it, as it bumped up against dinner.

I got a lecture from the youngest. "Lunch can be served from noon to 4 pm," he says to me. "I know, because I looked it up on Wikipedia."

What kind of person looks up "lunch" in an encyclopedia?

Posted by: PeggyU at November 25, 2009 04:09 AM