January 19, 2010

Understanding Slippers in Florida, Good Grief

During knot tying in Scouts, my eldest wanted to learn to make a noose.

During the Leatherwork badge in Scouts, he wanted to learn how to make a bull whip.

When my son got his first Periodic Table of Elements in 6th grade science, he got in the car and wanted to immediately know how to build a nuclear bomb.

I'm thinking... this is all boy stuff, right?

On to Bones.

I cannot do this story justice, but I'm going to try like hell and if anything, my family will laugh. To get the full scope, think of Bones like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes. If Calvin came to life as a boy, it would be Bones.

Some background, I frickin' HATE to be cold. All y'all who have been reading me for awhile know this. I HATE it. VW likes to taunt me about it. Yet as much as I hate being cold, I refused to turn on the heat in my home when the cold snap hit, because as much as I hate the cold, I hate spending money more on things I deem near ridiculous.

Heating a house in S. FL falls into the ridiculous expenditure of money realm.

And although my marriage survived the cold snap, and I personally survived the potential death threats from my children, I was still damn miserable.

I learned two things during this last cold snap, well three things if you include the face I think that all those who hold a Y chromosome in this house are wimps, 62 degrees in a house is liveable, miserable, but liveable.

I learned: I need more socks and I need slippers.

When at Gander Mountain with my folks this Christmas I found these horrible blue slipper boots that I had to have. Fuzzy, blue and white stringy, boots. Slippers.

I was in love.

Fashion is not my forte. Afterall, on Christmas I wore a big old sweater with a huge Christmas Tree on it.

Cold snap over, I realized I needed to actually prepare for the next cold snap and get some slippers. As good fortune would have it, I had time this weekend and I only had Bones as the two older boys were out camping in a swamp somewhere with Boy Scouts.

Off we went to Gander Mountain, Bones and I, as I felt certain those slippers had to be on sale. Seriously, they look like dead blue muppets.
blue slippe boots.jpg
You're Jealous. I can Tell. I'm damn mosty toasty in these dead muppet slipper boots.

And as I picked them up, realizing my feet would be forever warm, I said to Bones, "Do you want a pair of slippers?"

Bones answers everything on impulse. Absolutely, he never thinks. "Is the sky green?" "Sure!" "Is the grass blue?" "Sure!" "Did you have a great day at school?" "Sure!" "Wait... I heard you got a detention..." "Oh... well, maybe it wasn't such a great day."

And so the answer was, "Yeah, Sure."

I found boys' slippers and there were not much to choose from. I was hoping to get him something like mine, like Mother like Son, but the Fashion Gods were shining upon the poor lad, so he was spared. Instead I found... camo slippers.

We were... afterall... in Gander Mountain.

And the following conversation ensued with my FL boy... who doesn't get ... slippers.

Bones: Hunh. I can't sleep in these.

Me: No. You sleep in socks.

Bones: But, they are hard on the bottom...

Me: They're slippers. They're shoes. Yes, they're hard on the bottom, so you don't slide.

Bones: Hunh.

Me: They are fuzzy inside, see? You slip your feet in and they stay toasty.

Bones: Wow. They're fuzzy!

And then the next day:

Bones: So exactly what do people do with slippers... when they sleep?

Me: *blink*

Bones: Do they just put them beside their bed so when they wake up their slippers are there to wear?

Me: Um. Yeah.

Bones: Hunh. OK. That makes sense.

We have now mastered the concept of... the slipper. He is 10. This is pathetic.

And so we came home with said camo slipper shoes with the fuzzy insides. He loves them and wears them every morning, which is where it starts to get funny. Keep in mind, Ringo and Mr. T were not home when the slippers were bought.

Monday morning the boys are off from school. Mr. T has been up for hours and is on his second breakfast, a big bowl of cereal when Bones comes dragging into the family room, wearing nothing but... Sponge Bob underwear and camo slippers.

I was standing in the kitchen and turned just in time to see the sight of truly the spindliest legs known to children, sticking out of Sponge Bob underwear that sag as he's so skinny, and... camo slippers... that, as Ringo informed me today, look like Camo Loafers. Hair smashed all over, Bones made his way to flop on the couch.

I looked at Mr. T, who I swear to God, was about to snort milk out his nose. He had spoon mid air, mouth open, with the edges of his mouth twitching in a smile, and if anyone has ever said they've seen eyes laugh, Monday morning Mr. T's eyes were not just laughing, but howling.

He was speechless, frozen in time as he watched his younger brother wander through the house looking like the village idiot.

I caught his attention and mouthed, "Don't you dare laugh at him!" to which he covered his hand in his face, composed himself and mouthed back, "I'm trying not to!"

Now flash forward to today, Ringo and I were alone in the car when out of the blue he said to me, "Mom, what is with those camo loafers Bones has?"

Me: They're slippers.

Ringo: Yeah, I gather. He told me that when he came in Monday morning. Mom. I didn't know what to say...

Me: Was he in his underwear and camo loafers?

Ringo: YES! Do you know how hard it was not to laugh at him?

And the conversation progressed, our reliving the morning, until Ringo was laughing so damn hard he was nearly crying.

The camo slippers:
boys camo slippers.jpg

Which with normal clothes, are great, but with just Sponge Bob underwear... they are funnier than hell.

Posted by Boudicca at January 19, 2010 10:04 PM

Since I have a skinny kid with Sponge Bob underwear ... I can totally envision this! I don't suppose you could get a photo, to save for later? It might come in handy should you need leverage when he's 18. ;)

Posted by: PeggyU at January 20, 2010 01:52 AM

I'm not sure what's funnier - the mental image you paint of you wearing dead a Cookie Monster on your feet or the Sponge Bob/Camo loafer combo image. Either way - sound like you're both quite the fashion plates!!

Posted by: Mirmie at January 20, 2010 10:00 AM

I still don't know how you got a whole post on slippers.

Slippers, in the Great White North, are an item that is bought/received every year and usually as a Christmas item.

Slippers are a staple clothing item up here.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at January 20, 2010 10:25 AM

I get the whole 'not heating the house in Southern Florida' thing. But that doesn't explain how we've kept our thermostat set at 65 all Winter, here in Northern Virginia.

I love my slippers.

Posted by: Ted at January 20, 2010 11:30 AM

Heh. I live in Missouri and my heat does not go above 68 :)

Posted by: BloodSpite at January 20, 2010 12:01 PM

Hey - Can I laugh at him? cause I am...

I too have a skinny boy, but he is twelve and totally self conscious of being seen in his underwear at all, house full of sisters and all, and has graduated to non character undies as well.

My boy is currently on the porch cracking the bull whip he got for Christmas - there is a giant periodic table hanging in the stairwell (one that he put together himself)- and various electronic pieces pilfered from broken household devices are wired together into some sort of contraption on the breakfast room table. I do believe these are primarily testosterone driven occurrences...

Posted by: patti at January 20, 2010 12:32 PM

Give me my three kids and just about any topic, and I bet I can come up with a post.

This slipper things is so odd for us. We're barefeet FL people. I was cracking up that I actually had to EXPLAIN the purpose of slippers to Bones. I was like, "Really? I have to... explain this?" And it took two frickin' days. Good Grief.

Posted by: Bou at January 20, 2010 11:14 PM

I am weeping with laughter. I had to stop reading to wipe my eyes...

Posted by: Nancy at January 21, 2010 12:58 PM