February 05, 2010

Living the Life of Granola Girl

First, Bones' audition is tomorrow and he could not care one bit less.


I'm a mess.

Sometimes I need to be more like him.

Onto the edge of Granola Girl hell...


This is the deal. I'm never really hungry, but I'm never really full. I feel... empty. Does that make sense? I'm not craving anything, needing anything, but I'm not full.

I just... am.

And Dr. Oz may say he's a cardiologist, but I think he's in cahoots with the GI guys because I told my Dad, I've lost 2 pounds and it's been all water and anything left in my intestines.

All 30 feet of it. Give or take. Depending on true length.

Because when you eat like this, you either burn off the food or expel it and if you're eating yogurt and you're lactose intolerant... well... let's just say I told my Dad that if I need a colonscopy I'm eating Greek yogurt the day before.

So I have decided that starting tomorrow, I am going to try Steel Cut Oats for breakfast. And because I love you all so... I'm going to impart to you, how it goes.

First, I hate oatmeal. I don't do... mush. Second, I had heard Steel Cut Oats suck even more. Third, Dr. Oz said they're REALLY good for you and I read it helps cut down on cholesterol, plus it has a lower glycemic index than regular oatmeal.

With that I decided, "Why not? I'm all about the life experiences."

And wouldn't you know it, but my reader, Dick, happened upon saying he eats this stuff for breakfast and so I emailed him on how he prepared it and (Sorry, Dick, but this was just damn funny) he said he popped it in the microwave for 15 minutes.


15 minutes? In a frickin' microwave? That tells me you have to boil the ever living sh** out of this stuff before you can eat it.


So I looked on line and sure enough, I found a site that said something like, "Well, before we could never have Steel Cut Oats other than the weekends because it took so long to make, but NOW we have a simpler way and we can eat it every day!"


I'm all about simple, even if I'm making mush.

So tonight I start the process (there is a cook ahead process) and earlier this evening I went to Publix to purchase said oats. I bought a can of McCann's Steel Cut Oats, Irish Oats at that, and on the back it had a recipe for Irish Porridge.

Folks, I cannot think of anything much more unappetizing than the word "porridge". I don't want to eat anything that Oliver ate in that orphanage.


And yet here I stood with a can of 'dried, just boil the crap out of it with water, porridge'.

I start it tonight and will report back tomorrow as I'm covering it in blueberries and bananas. I'll choke that stuff down if I have to.

And that brings me to the next topic. I have never in my life had to choke down so much food. I LOVE to eat, but honest to God, every meal I feel like I'm choking something down because it's good for me.

Greek yogurt with peaches? Big choke.

Porridge? Potential choke.

Sweet potatoes? Biggest damn choke effect so far.

My husband decided he was making hamburgers for the boys. I can eat the burger, but no cheese, no bun, no ketchup... why bother? So I sauteed some fish and had a sweet potato.

I'd heard all these great things about them, how good they are for you, blah blah, blahdefrickin'blah.

I hated them when I was 12, the last damn time I ate one, living in Taiwan, I remember the exact frickin' meal, and I frickin' hate them now.

I sat down and calculated, if your tastes change every 7 years, I was on a hate cycle when I was 12 and by my calculations, I'm still on a hate cycle. In three years I should like them.

I'll try them again in 3 years.

Over my dead damn body am I eating another until then unless it's sliced thinly, sprinkled with olive oil and garlic powder and baked at 350 for an hour so it tastes like a damn chip.

Good God. No. Sweet potatoes are the devil's something. I'm not sure what, but it's not good.

Trust me.

So tomorrow I eat Steel Cut Oats or porridge or something like that and hope the choke factor is low.

Stay tuned...

Posted by Boudicca at February 5, 2010 10:11 PM

The oats are quite good if you use enough brown sugar and butter. For me the amount of brown sugar should be near equal to the dried oats and about half that size chunk of butter. You need that much to kill the taste of the oats.

Posted by: jon spencer at February 5, 2010 11:21 PM

Jon- Great. And the package was touting the great oat taste. I'm going to feel like I'm grazing in some big oat field, aren't I? Crap.

And the stuff looks like hamster food.

Posted by: bou at February 5, 2010 11:35 PM

I hate to ask the obvious here, but did you talk to your own physician before you started on this diet? You've got food intolerances that may not be compatible, and perhaps he has a better idea, or can send you to a dietician who can help you get a handle on good choices, rather than making yourself miserable from the get-go.

I'd really like to see you be successful in this.

Posted by: Omnibus Driver at February 6, 2010 12:28 AM

I have tried similar diets in the past...and whammo with the IBS...so much fiber I cannot do it...
soak the steel cut oats overnight, thats what we doo....it cuts cooking time considerably

Posted by: AWTM at February 6, 2010 01:14 AM

I like the rough cut oatmeal much better than regular oatmeal. It tastes better, I think :)

Posted by: PeggyU at February 6, 2010 01:44 AM

I feel your pain. I had two Bitburgers, one Lagavulin, a personal quiche and some calamari last night. The horror...the horror...

Posted by: Toluca Nole at February 6, 2010 03:28 AM

Your brother is frick'n hilarious. I have to say I really laughed out loud when I read his. Though, I won't be laughing too much. Looks like I may be making diet changes soon. Yuck.

Posted by: vw bug at February 6, 2010 07:08 AM

Wasn't there an ancient episode of "The Munsters" where the mom is cooking oatmeal and it took like the whole episode of her stirring and stirring a big stiff cauldron of oatmeal?

Posted by: DogsDontPurr at February 6, 2010 07:21 AM

Ok, I was just over at Pete's place and saw this post: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/shakeypetesshootinshack/~3/9mE91S7iL4s/dogs-and-their-sweet-potato-orgy.html

and I have to say, I thought of you! hahahaha

Posted by: vw bug at February 6, 2010 07:23 AM

Omnibus- See my Dr. First? Oh hell no! Why would I do that?! Actually, I'm just mildly lactose intolerant. My Dr. knows of the issues I have. I have IBS. I decided not to take it a step further in treatment as I can deal with it. Except for the yogurt. I just stay away from trigger foods. Evidently Greek Yogurt is a trigger food.

AWTM- Yes, it sat overnight and that is evidently the way to go. I can't believe I'm eating this.

Peggy- I'm going to have to agree with you. I like this better. It's more like rice.

TN- As long as you're not eating at Mo's and rubbing it in, I'm cool. Jerk.

Come on VW, join me! We can do this together!! Bwhahahahahaha!

DDP- Good Lord I so believe it. This stuff is... just thick. Spoon? Fork? A spoon could stand in it.

VW- I'm going over there. Dang, this probably isn't good.

Posted by: bou at February 6, 2010 08:15 AM

I've been eating steel cut oats for many years for breakfast... and as a matter of fact I'm sitting here with a bowl now.

And I hate oatmeal.

The deal is, you never, ever follow the package directions. This is what you do -and trust me, they turn out nutty and sweet all on their own; you don't have to add anything, but neither are they mushy [shudder]-

Put 1/2 cup of water and 1/4 oats in saucepan, bring to a boil. Lower heat to low, cover and let simmer for 10 minutes.

That's it. There's no mush but they are not 'crunchy', either. Just good.

Posted by: Pam at February 6, 2010 08:56 AM

Meant to write 1/4 CUP of oats. Sorry. ;)

Posted by: Pam at February 6, 2010 08:57 AM

I understand the whole eat to live not live to eat thing - and I am doing my own diet change - but girl, there has got to be some pleasure in it right? I love oatmeal - but with lots of butter, sugar, a pinch of salt and lots of raisins. Not exactly a health meal and I do it maybe once a year...

Best of luck (lactaid tablets for the yogurt meal?)

Posted by: patti at February 6, 2010 09:02 AM

With a diet this extreme you should be very careful you are not doing more harm then good.

I still don't really understand why such a extreme diet is needed for.

It might be good to talk with your doctor about this, but I bet he will probably say this isn't that great of an idea.

And Dr Oz, bit of a quack if you ask me.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at February 6, 2010 09:28 AM

I bought a can myself, falling for the whole "they're Irish" and "they're oats" and "they're nutritious." I love oatmeal, even sprinkled in flax seed and wheatgerm, no sugar, no butter, just skim milk. Oatmeal is good. Steel cut oats is NOT oatmeal. It is kitty litter. I would eat raw haggis before I ever attempt a bowl of that stuff again. The question one asks after dipping into McCann's: Just jow healthy does a person REALLY need to be?

Posted by: Leigh at February 6, 2010 11:43 AM

I love the oats. Just add fresh berries and bananas and mix in. The sweetness of the fruit and the juiciness of the bananas gets rid of the need for the sugar and butter. Love them. My go to breakfast every day.

Posted by: dick at February 6, 2010 11:46 AM

Pam- I'm going to try them that way. I think I'd like it not mushy.

Patti- I tried the lactaid and it does odd stuff. It makes me feel all rumbly. I felt like Winnie the Pooh.

QW- Actually, if something was going to kill me, it would have been the training for the marathon, the marathon, the training for the half, the two halves following. Cutting out preservatives and refined sugar and white flour are nothing but goodness.

And I was speaking to someone in the healthcare industry this weekend and she said this is the way of the health future. I've done a ton of reading on it and this is what's coming. It's not weird... it's not 'no carbs eat bacon', it's eating the way the body was made to eat. I just can't do yogurt. Unfortunately.

Leigh-OK, I stop at raw haggis! Actually, covered in fruit, the choke factor was low. I'm thinking with a buttload of butter and brown sugar it would have been like a big soft oatmeal cookie!

Dick- I want to try juicy peaches...

Posted by: bou at February 6, 2010 01:11 PM

I could eat Irish steel-cut oats until they come out my ears - they're that good. Without sugar, they have a fine, nutty flavor. With brown sugar and butter, they're decidedly un-Irish... but heavenly.

You hate sweet potatoes? I can guarantee that if you had my daughter's split pea and sweet potato soup, you'd change your mind in a hurry.

Most foods we dislike, we dislike because of a specific experience. But if they're properly prepared, and approached with an open mind, you can find unexpected joys.

Posted by: Elisson at February 6, 2010 01:34 PM

oatmeal cookies...ummy! :)

Posted by: patti at February 6, 2010 04:25 PM

For about 6 months I modified my usual diet by eating a half box of Fiber-One each morning for breakfast. I was wondering if eating a lot of fiber would make me lose weight.

Instead, I was amazingly hungry 24/7. Even when sleeping I was hungry. But I couldn't eat very large portions so I was forced to eat just a single candy bar at a time. I had stools the size of couches. The only advantage of the whole thing was that I had a "superpower", the ability to clog toilets by simply failing to flush halfway through using it.

Oh, and I didn't lose any weight.

Posted by: Carl Brannen at February 6, 2010 05:56 PM

"South Beach Diet" Buy the paperback.

I lost 60 pounds painlessly.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at February 6, 2010 08:01 PM

My friend Molly found a recipe for sweet potato fries. She swears they are delicious. There's not much too them other than canola oil, sweet potatoes, and salt. If you want, I can ask her?

Posted by: PeggyU at February 7, 2010 01:44 PM

I am a spammer from what appears to be China, hawking boots and crap on other people's blogs, pissing off the owner of the sites.

I hope one day to rot in hell. Oh wait, I live in China (probably), stooping so low as to spam, I probably am rotting in hell already.

Bernice Franklin

Posted by: DirtBag Spammer at February 7, 2010 02:56 PM

Looks like Fluffy the Spamdog is falling down on the job, eh, "Bernice Franklin"?

Posted by: Elisson at February 7, 2010 02:59 PM

Elisson, I took care of it.

Carl- I'm laughing. Good Grief.

Peggy- Yes please, send.

Posted by: Bou at February 7, 2010 07:03 PM