Well, the day has arrived that some of you have been waiting for... today I had The Talk with Bones. Probably all of you remember when I had to have The Talk with Ringo and Mr. T (can't find his in the archives), and 5th grade seems to be the age in this home, in particular as 5th grade is the year the kids have the puberty talk at school.
At least that was the catalyst for Mr. T's talk and now for Bones.
I received an email this afternoon from his teacher explaining that permission slips would be going home. My first thought was appropriately, 'F***!'. My email in response to his teacher ended with 'Gah!'.
I felt certain that his religion teacher, the recipient of said response, would not have laughed, cracked a smile nor found any humor whatsoever in a 'F***!' response. But, let's face it... we're talking Bones here, and there is NOTHING for me to look forward to with this conversation.
Whereas I thought he'd be like Mr. T and be all about the million questions with great drama and horror, instead I found a kid who absolutely... well... I'll tell the story.
My husband goes on good weather Friday nights to a local carshow and shows his car. (Two weeks ago he called me and said that a couple teenagers said to him, 'That's pretty cool, an old guy like you owning a car like this!' My husband was 2 days past turning 50. We laughed... although I suspect I laughed harder.) When asked if Bones wanted to go, he gave a most definite "NO". He had some video game beckoning.
And so as dinner dishes were cleared, Bones handed me a permission slip and the following conversation ensued to the best of my recollection:
Bones: I have this stupid class they want me to take.
Me: Right. I heard about that. Bring it here and I'll sign it for you.
Mr. T: Oh I remember that class. They tell you how your weenie is going to get all big and hairy and your ball sack will fall and there's this picture with hair coming out and it's kind of funny.
Me:
Bones: *blink* Wait! I know all that! I don't need to attend this class! NO! I'm not going.
Me (seeing yet again the wonderment of older brothers and wanting to smack Mr. T in the head)*giving T the EVIL eye*: Yes, you're going. But hey, if you cause problems in there, cut up and carry on, you're getting a detention and then you have to answer to me. I'll ground you into next week.
Bones: I DON'T WANT TO GO!
Me: Don't.
Bones: YOU'RE SETTING ME UP! I CAN'T DO THIS!
Me: Wait. You're telling me you can't keep your mouth shut from joking and laughing for an hour? An entire hour, you can't keep to yourself.
Bones, crocodile tears are falling down his cheeks:
Me: ONE HOUR. And don't tell me we are going to cry over this. Settle down.
Bones: Besides, I don't think I like the teacher who is going to teach it.
Me: I don't care if you don't like her. Listen. It's science. And you can't sit with Frankie, Mikey or Peter. You'll get in trouble. Sit alone or sit with someone else that you don't cut up with.
Bones: I hate this.
Me: Sit down. We have to talk. There are things you don't know.
At which point, Mr. T's eyes got REAL big and he said, "OK, see ya..." and he slipped through the door into the rec room.
Bones: I know everything.
Me: How in the world do you know everything? Do you know how babies get into women's stomachs?
Bones: Yes. I watch George Lopez at night.
Me:
My husband passing through: Great. He doesn't want to hear it from his teacher. He wants to hear it from George Lopez.
Me, my brain is reeling as I've watched George Lopez, I think he's a riot, and I'm not seeing George Lopez giving any talks on knockin' knees: George Lopez. How long have you known this?
Bones, blinking out the tears: I don't know. A couple months.
Me:
Bones:
Me, seriously horrified that he knows this information and I was clueless as he never once asked anything and he always asks SOMETHING: OK then. I just wanted to make sure you really knew because sometimes kids talk about things happening and it's not true.
Bones: Like what?
Me: I mean you know that men and women are built so that one part goes inside another.
Bones: Do we REALLY have to talk about this?
Me: Yes. I just wanted to make sure.
Bones: Yes. I know about it.
Me, still stunned: OK. Because some kids think that Moms get pregnant through kissing.
Bones: Well... that's because they do!
Me: *blink*
Bones:
Me: No. You think the parts that go into each other are the tongue or something? They kiss and she gets pregnant?
Bones: Yeah, she gets his spit in her mouth and she gets pregnant.
Me, deep breath: Umm. No... Look. Men and women are built differently. *explaining the anatomical difference in men and women builds*... and they fit together like a puzzle piece. They are built to fit together like two puzzle pieces.
Bones:
Me: Like a socket and a plug...
Bones: Dad! I'm going to that car show with you!!!
And ZIP! he was GONE, had his shoes, socks and hoody and ran out the door.
Holy crap.
My husband walked in to see what was up and I said, "He bolted. He's going with you. I never made it past socket and plug..."
My husband was grinning as Bones ran past him in a blur.
So.
I can't wait to tell him about women's cycles and how their body changes. I'm beside myself excited... Good Grief. I need to sit down with him again and take it from an animal perspective.
I think he's damaged...
Posted by Boudicca at March 5, 2010 07:19 PM"The Talk" at school should be a woman teaching the girls and a man teaching the boys, and that is not old-fashioned thinking, just common sense.
Posted by: Toluca Nole at March 5, 2010 08:41 PMI'm with TN on that!
Posted by: PeggyU at March 5, 2010 08:48 PMI think it may be a man. With the older boys it was, but there is thought that the guidance counselor MIGHT be doing it. We'll see...
Posted by: Bou at March 5, 2010 09:09 PMI haven't laughed this hard in many moons. Thank you Bou....and I am so glad my ex is a nurse who did the "talk" x 3, so many years ago...
Posted by: Mike D. at March 5, 2010 09:30 PMYou might start with where chicken eggs come from, though, given the somewhat bizarre anatomy of chickens, this might not be a good place to begin. (But it definitely explains why we don't let pieces of shell fall into the omelet.)
Posted by: Carl Brannen at March 5, 2010 10:43 PMYou had me at the part where Mr. T starts talking about weenies and ball sacks.
And I was in total hysterics when I got to the "socket and plug" part.
This will be one of my favorite posts of yours. You should consider starting your own sitcom, starting with this particular episode.
BTW, if my laptop starts screwing up due to the RC I spewed on it while laughing, I'm sending you the bill for a new one.
Posted by: diamond dave at March 5, 2010 11:15 PMbwah...I have been meaning to post on this....thanks for the reminder...we had to have the painful discussion @ Christmas....I had bought SR a book on how the human body works...see here...http://www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com/features/waywework/
This writer is one that SR adores, and admires. SR has also been through all of the books. So I buy him this book, knowing reproduction is at the back and knowing SR ALWAYS reads front to back...
he was intrigued immediately with the reproduction system...2 days later we had serious questions to answer...
long story short...
SR asked...so you and dad do this...and laughed for 1/2 hour...
Posted by: AWTM at March 6, 2010 12:17 AMA friend of ours was hiking with his son in the Huasteca regions of Mexico. Not unusual, since they did this daily as part of their missionary work. So you can imagine the scene of grandeur, nature, indigenous peoples as being a very natural place to talk about The Talk.
He related to us that after the lecture, his son grew very quiet for several minutes, taking it all in and looking quite scared. Prompted for questions he had only one: But Dad, how do you and mom keep from laughing?
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at March 6, 2010 07:53 AMI don't know which part tickled me most; George Lopez or socket and plug... ;-)
Posted by: Pam at March 6, 2010 09:24 AMGreat, FUNNY post. Brings to mind "Kids say the darndest things," but I doubt if Art Linkletter ever did any segments on sex.
At least you and your school are talking about it. A head in the sand zoo visitor recently complained because come critters were mating. She wanted us to somehow stop it or shield it from view. (A monkey recently gave birth in public). When I see it, I describe it as "playing hopscotch" and let the parents decide whether to go into more detail on what "game" is being played.
Posted by: George P at March 6, 2010 09:45 AMMike- I thought if I had boys, my husband would do the talking. Not only does he plead the 5th (wonder where Bones got his skittishness?), I found that he who spends the most time with the kids, gets the questions. Fortunately we didn't have to have this conversation this time while barreling down I-95 at 70mph.
Carl- Oh good Lord, I cannot go into the whole cloaca! I may tell him though, when we saw those horses giving piggy back rides, that's now what they were doing. I told Ringo that. Mo thinks he thinks we all do it like dogs now. That's not MY problem!
Dave- I could have smacked T. I was shooting daggers out of my eyes at him! Bones could probably have his own sitcom. It would be like Chris Rocks'. Hell, Bones is like living with a cartoon!
AWTM- Oh now that is funny! I know I told my oldest and my second, "I Know this sounds gross. I know you are thinking, "NO WAY!", but I promise you that when you are older, you won't think that and you'll want to do it." I left out the part about, 'However, you will always think it is gross that your Dad and I do this..." :) I haven't gone here with Bones yet, obviously, as I never got that far! Gah!
Joan- You know, that is so funny. That's like SR. Some kids think it's a riot and others are aghast. I asked my Mom, "So... you did this three time?" as if she were some martyr. My Mom totally acted like the hero and said, "Yes... we did." as if it was a huge sacrifice!
Pam- I was lost on the George Lopez. Bonus... I know now that George Lopez truly is benign. I kept thinking, 'WTF have I been letting him watch?!"
George- My kids think all the animals give piggy back rides. I just let them believe it. Well... until now. The horses giving each other piggy back rides was a big *blink* for me. Those waterbuffalo type at Lion Country Safari was another one!
One of my buddies in the third grade enlightened me: "It's like a round peg in a round hole."
Made perfect sense to me. Still does. Except there's that squirty business ya gotta explain, too.
Good luck.
Posted by: Elisson at March 7, 2010 03:23 PMLOL, my son and I had almost the same conversation, except when I asked if he knew that there was a part that goes inside the other, he said, Yea dad I know you stick it in her butt and that makes a baby..... I almost stroked out!!!!
Posted by: P'cola Titan at March 7, 2010 10:59 PMI experienced multiple *blinks* reading this (along with multiple laughs). Nothing much, other than the medium, has changed. He gets his scientific information from George Lopez, and, as I recall, I got mine from men's magazines, surreptitiously read, with names like "Argosy."
I don't remember my mother and I actually having "The Talk." I guess she figured the Argosy magazines pretty much covered it.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at March 8, 2010 05:34 PMI knew I was busted when I went to sneak a magazine from my Dad's stash of Playboys and found a birds and bees primer instead.
It wasn't nearly as much fun.
Posted by: Bill McNutt at March 8, 2010 06:07 PM