April 27, 2010

Conversations Around Town

Well, I've ridden that handbasket straight to the depths of hell.

I'm alive. There is that.

With that, I give you a few odd conversations had over the last few days. I am subtitling...

"Did I Say that Out Loud?"

One of my co-workers was visited by an auditor today. She was good enough to take one for the team... again. She knows all the answers so I'm always thankful when they stop in her cube.

As their audit was wrapping up, I heard the auditor ask to name something she could not bring into work from home.

There was a pause.

And he continued with, something maybe you couldn't load on your computer.

Now the answer is any drivers from home. We can't load any software, data sticks, peripherals etc from home.

My coworker paused and then said, "OH! I know! Porn!"

To which the room got painfully quiet for a prolonged time, and I wish I could have seen the auditor's face, as finally laughing came out of the individual cubicles.

Oh she was right, of course, but just not QUITE the right answer he was looking for. We asked her later if she had a tough time keeping her porn at home, and not bringing it to work.

We got some serious mileage out of that one as I'm sure the auditor did too.

"You Might Be a Math Geek if..."

I was in a meeting last week with a group of Moms, helping to plan the upcoming Band Banquet. We need tables and so we're renting 30 rounders that seat 10 a piece, plus the school has some we can borrow. And the following conversation occurred to the best of my recollection:

Maggie (our chair): So when are these tables slated for delivery? The night before or during school?

Linda: Oh they aren't being delivered. I'm picking them up.

Me: 30 tables.

Maggie: In your car?

Linda: Oh yes. I have an Expedition.


Maggie: They will fit flat?

Linda: I can always put them at a an angle too.

Me *big pause*: Linda, if you were to cut your truck on the diagonal, have you calculated the hypotenuse to see if the diameter of these tables are smaller than the hypotenuse?

*silence* *everyone staring at me*

Me: I take it they will probably lay flat. Just as long as the diameter is smaller than the width of your truck, it's all good.

*silence* *everyone staring at me*

Linda: Really. It will be fine.


Lastly, our tooth fairy sucks and it's time for Bones to know the truth because this whole tooth for cash thing is stressing me out.

That's the hard part about my job, as crappy as things are at work, as chest tightening sucky as they are, I will not bring it home. If it's important to my kids, it MUST be important to me and I refuse to allow what is going on at work to alter that.

And so the tooth was lost 3 weeks ago and this was the conversation we had in the car yesterday. I'd just come off a seriously crappy telecon, I was still spooled up on bad adrenaline, and I was a jittery mess.

Bones hit me up immediately; he was irritated and wanted to make sure I knew it. Lovely. He got in the car and this truly was the first out of his mouth:

Bones, loudly: Mom, the tooth stinks. Do you know, it has been FIVE MONTHS that I've had a tooth under my pillow!

Me, deep breath: No, it's been 3 weeks.

Bones: Fine. Three weeks. What's the deal with that? Am I like her only kid?

Me: I think she works in zones or something...

Mr. T, laughing.

Bones: Well, what's her problem. I mean, really.

Me: Maybe she has two jobs. Maybe that's her night job. Maybe she's just completely overwhelmed.

Bones: Are you KIDDING ME? She's the TOOTH FAIRY. How overwhelming can that job be? She totally stinks at it. Really. I wonder if any other kids get treated like this.

At this point, I'm taking extra deep breaths because I've gone from a crappy day at work to a kid b*tching at me about the tooth fairy. I wanted to scream, "There isn't a f*cking tooth fairy! Move on!", but instead I took an extraordinarily deep breath, smiled sweetly and said, "Well, Bones, I have hope. I have hope she will come tonight."

Bones, with GREAT aggravation in his voice: Oh yeah?! Well, the tooth fairy PUNCHED me in the face and all the hope spilled out. I have NO hope left. None.

Mr. T it this point is laughing so hard, he's about to cry.

I'm trying hard not to laugh over the absolute ridiculous drama of it all. Finally I said, "Dude. Chill. I'm sure she's coming..."

And she did. Three more teeth to go and I don't have to worry about this tooth fairy crap anymore.

Good Grief. Seriously, there can't be anything quite like getting punched in the face by the tooth fairy...

Posted by Boudicca at April 27, 2010 09:33 PM

In this house, sometimes the Tooth Fairy left an IOU. Morrigan may still have one among her things. */;-)

Posted by: Angus of Glen Coe at April 28, 2010 08:17 AM

If you get punched in the face by the tooth fairy, and she knocks out one of your teeth, does she leave you money for that one too?

Posted by: Knine at April 28, 2010 09:04 AM

30 round tables are not going to fit in an Expedition, no matter how hard she tries.

They ain't going to lay flat, not tables that seat 10 people.

She is going to be in for a surprise, hope she has a back-up plan.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at April 28, 2010 10:26 AM

"Oh yeah?! Well, the tooth fairy PUNCHED me in the face and all the hope spilled out. I have NO hope left. None."

O-M-G!!!! I'm just sitting here giggling helplessly. This is priceless.

Posted by: Teresa at April 28, 2010 11:41 AM

omg...thank you, thank you, thank you for taking time to keep blogging. Every tale added to my LOL fit. Thank goodness the neighbors aren't home or you'd be hearing from me next via the local looney bin.

Posted by: Jean at April 28, 2010 12:09 PM

This is the funniest thing I have read all day. :D

That porno thing is priceless. She'll never live it down. In fact, I'm going to pass that story along to a friend of mine who is an auditor!

Bones really is dramatic, isn't he? We've had the forgetful fairy here too. The story around here is that there is more than one tooth fairy, and that she/he/it is assigned individual clients. Our tooth fairy quit the job, and they had to hire and train a new one ... and so there was a time delay. I told the youngest boy to keep the tooth until he lost the next one and then to put them both under the pillow ... and made sure not to forget the second time!

(Do you suppose politicians start out as children who are lied to? I hope not ... because I'm raising presidential material here if that is the case.)

Posted by: PeggyU at April 28, 2010 01:13 PM

Hope you've read Terry Pratchett. In his stories the Tooth Fairy comes equipped with pliers, because sometimes she hasn't got the correct change.

Posted by: Chrisfromsweden at April 28, 2010 01:38 PM

Dad- Dang, I think I threw away that washer I got one year...

Knine- This is one of those tree/forest questions, isn't it?

QW- Hello? I kept telling them that, but sheesh, do you think anyone would believe me?! Great minds... you and me...

Teresa and Jean- I wish I could vid him so you could hear how he sounds. The drama, the attitude, the voice... they all add to the delivery. Good Grief.

George- We've had people get fired at work for looking at Porn. Can you imagine having to go home from work and telling the wife you got fired for perusing porn, let alone perusing it on company time? holy cow...

Peggy- Drama doesn't even begin to cut it. My son is like living with a young Jim Carrey. And I have thought often politics is where he'll end up...

Chris- I have NOT read Terry Pratchett, but will look into it now!

Posted by: bou at April 28, 2010 08:25 PM

You used "hypotenuse" in conversation?


I love smart people! :-)

Posted by: Harvey at May 1, 2010 06:52 PM