August 12, 2010

Random Thoughts on Summer

I find myself in an odd mood tonight as I reflect upon this past summer and this coming school year.

Three kids, three different schools. Bones is taking the school bus, which is fine, except most of the times we'll be dropping him to the bus stop, moving on to take other kids to school... so we have to depend that he'll actually MAKE IT to school. He informed me yesterday that, 'I need a house key, Mom. I'll feel like more of an adult if I have one and I WANT to walk home from the bus stop."

Except the bus stop is about 1.5 miles away and there is no way in hell Bones would EVER take the shortest route/straight line approach.

He just wants an excuse to have a house key because his brothers don't have one. "I'll get a house key before Ringo, and he's 15."

Ringo has just never needed one.

So I'll get Bones a house key, just so he feels all grown up and that he's beat his brothers at something... ANYTHING... even if it's as trivial as hearing him taunt them over supper, "I have a house key and YOU don't", while his brothers look at each other with a 'like we give a crap' look... something he has yet to catch on to.

I'm not looking forward to school. I've been damaged by too many bad years to look forward to this one.

Some whacked out Mom PTSD, perhaps. The anxiety attacks are coming, something I had grown more prone to last year. I'm trying desperately to keep them at bay this year.

This summer didn't help.

I'm angry over something that happened on Pop's deathbed.

I need to get past it.

It's not helping anyone, but tormenting me. I think I am not the same because of it... I don't think I'll ever be the same.

My kids are growing up. I'm OK with it. I know some folks struggle, but this is my job, to raise my children to be functional members of society and the closure of that chapter is coming closer and closer. When it comes, I'll be ready.

More than ready.

I feel certain.

My husband does not.

I said to him the other day, "The 0 years are not good for you. You lost your Mom at 40, your Dad at 50... who is left to lose at 60? Me?" A look of horror crossed his face. 'You better not..."

Interesting thought, however. Either way, I'm not looking forward to his 60th year.

Every night... Bones has a routine he goes through. He goes into bed and yells, "Come in now!" and we close his closet, turn on his overhead fan, kiss him and turn off his light. Sometimes it is late when he goes to bed and he's on his own. The summers... he goes to bed later than me at times.

The other night, I was sitting at the kitchen table reading when he yelled, "Come in!" Lost in my book... I forgot.

Fifteen minutes passed and I realized I'd forgotten. I looked up to find Ringo coming out of his bedroom.

"Did you... just tuck him in?" I asked.

He looked a bit struck and said, "Umm... no. I just closed his closet, turned on his fan and turned off his light..."

I replied, "You did that?"

He stood there looking at me blankly and finally said, "Yeah, Mom, I do that every night you and Dad can't come in..."

And I said to him softly, "You tuck him in..." and I quietly turned away.

My 15 year old son tucks in his 11 year old brother when Mom and Dad are in bed or are too busy.

I never knew...

Posted by Boudicca at August 12, 2010 09:56 PM

Damn fine young man you've raised there, damn fine indeed.

Posted by: Sean at August 12, 2010 10:16 PM

unsure what happenned on the deathbed, but write it out, process many times as you need to. It might bother you for 3-30 years. It took me 7 to get over some things I found disturbing, mostly the behavior of some folks....

It is what it is....even if it is not right. Grieving is hard work, and everyone does it differently.

I also realize I have no idea what bothered you and I am just assuming, ( which i should not) but it is a guess...

Posted by: awtm at August 12, 2010 11:19 PM

I'm with you on that whole "I don't want school to start!" thing :)

It makes me cringe to see the back-to-school stuff on the store shelves and the ads on tv. I want it to be eternally summer.

Posted by: PeggyU at August 13, 2010 12:21 AM

What a great young man Ringo is... Made for a misty moment to read that.

Posted by: jck at August 13, 2010 06:19 AM

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with more than the usual grief process. As if you needed something extra on your plate. *sigh* I have no idea what it might be, so I will just say, I hope time and distance helps.

School. I'm still not over the "start of school year cringing"... My son is 26 - so it's been a while, but when I read about other people's kids going back to school - it comes flooding right back. Mine was a love/hate relationship. I was ecstatic they were back at school and thus had something to do, but getting my son through the school year... OMG.

As for Ringo - you have raised a terrific young man.

Posted by: Teresa at August 13, 2010 11:36 AM

How very sweet, and I'm glad you got to find out before they both got beyond it without you ever knowing. Just so sweet.

As for the school thing, yeah I get that. Even though the boy is home-schooled now, next year he goes to high school and I already have the angst. Bad school years are the reason I home-school. And no, homeschooling is not for everyone, I know that, it is just my way of handling the angst as much as reasonably possible.

Hope all three boys have the best year ever.

Posted by: patti at August 13, 2010 04:36 PM

The story about Ringo really touched my heart; I can't imagine how it made you feel.

He did not grow up in a bubble ... his parents have much to do with that.

Posted by: Kris, in New England at August 15, 2010 07:07 PM