February 15, 2011

The Big Book for Boys

As you may recall, for Christmas, I got my 2nd son a subscription to Sports Illustrated. Such a sports nut is he, so engrossed in all that is football, both pro and college, it truly did seem like the perfect gift. I even see him reading about basketball now, although he confessed last night he feels rather lost without football season and he just can't get into basketball as much.

Never did it cross my mind as to what was contained in the 14 Feb issue.


Let me remind you about my 2nd son. This is the boy that when I told him about sex, he was completely analytical. This is the boy that wanted to know the stats on pregnancies for various forms of contraception, wanted to understand why a priest would have any type of say on contraception given they aren't parents or married, and tried to calculate the fiscal responsibility of having more than three children. (I did explain to him that having lots of children is truly a blessing for those who are great parents. I'm not one of those. A large family for someone like me would be disastrous.)

This is the boy that upon hearing about reproduction, found to his amazement, that everywhere he turned something in the world seemed to be 'doing the deed'. Turn on the TV? Monkeys mating. Flip the channel? Meerkats grooving. Walk outside? Dogs doing the dirty.

He said to me after awhile, 'Mom, I just... can't get away from it. It's EVERYWHERE!"

And much to his chagrin, one dark night at Boy Scout camp, when he was exhausted and tired and wanted to be home, a night that I was the chaperone, taking him for a walk for a little 'venting time', he saw one tortoise mount another and with great exasperation wailed to me, "And I can't escape the mating! Not even at Boy Scout camp! It's EVERYWHERE!" (Although tortoises do the egg thing, they do mount each other for some reason as well.)

He's not exactly moved into acceptance. With each time he's witnessed this ritual, his face turns a light pink, he gets an embarrassed grin and shakes his head as if saying, "Goooooolly."

He is truly... my Boy Scout.

He's the one that is horrified at the thought that one day he might date. He cannot even conceive of asking a girl out EVER, let alone kissing one. It's a cross between intimidated by what a girl is (not having sisters probably didn't help that), not understanding them, and the fact that all the girls he does know well he has known since he was five. They're all like sisters to him.

Yet he was the one that was the recipient of one SI Swim Suit issue... today.

I opened the mailbox, brought the mail inside, flipped over this large magazine and there it was... a girl kneeling, legs spread on the beach, sand on her thighs, big breasts falling out of her too small swimsuit with the 'don't you want a piece of this' expression on her face, lips parted and I thought, 'Holy cats!'

I grinned and so wanted a camera for this moment and it went like this:

Me: Hey! Your Sports Illustrated came today!

Mr. T, rummaging through the fridge: It did?

Me: Mmm hmmm. Look at this! *I turned it to him*

Big eyes, pink face, embarrassed grin, shaking his head, he said: *blink*

Me: Once a year, Sports Illustrated has a swim suit addition. Did you know that?

Big eyes, pink face, lopsided grin, shaking his head, he said: Noo...

Me: Yup. Son. This is probably the most coveted magazine by American men today...

He stood there.

Me: It's yours. You can take it...

He took it from me, and looked like he wasn't sure what to do. I continued: I'm off to get your brother from school. You're allowed to look at it. It's not porn. Well... not really. It's legal.

He shook his head, dropped it on the counter and walked away.

I KNEW... I KNEWWWW, when I got back home it would be flipped through. Sure enough, I found it next to the TV where it had been read. Ten to one says he says to me, if asked, "I read it for the articles..."

At dinner I said, "So, which one was your favorite?" He got all sheepish and grinned and muttered something.

I replied, "Do not even try to tell me you just read the articles..."

To which he laughed and said, "There were articles? I didn't see ONE."

I pressed further as to the favorite chick and he said, "I don't know. I don't think I have one. There were just... so many! That was the biggest magazine I've gotten yet!"

And at that point his father joined in and they, including Ringo, but not Bones, continued to speak of this coveted magazine. Bones was puzzled. He kept saying, 'I don't see what swim suits have to do with sports..."

Meanwhile, one of the girls at work said to me today when I told her the story (I called), "Bou, you are every young boys dream to have as a Mom..."

I'm not too sure about that. It truly was an accident. But from the way he reacted, you'd have thought I handed him his first Playboy. Prolly the next best thing...

I suspect with all the y chromosomes in this house, it will be a very very well read magazine. Very well read.

Posted by Boudicca at February 15, 2011 06:01 PM

Keep an eye out for crunchy socks.

Posted by: Rave at February 16, 2011 12:18 AM

I remember the first swimsuit issue I saw. I remember thinking that the swimsuits looked painted on. Turns out more than a few of them were. . .

Posted by: Andrew Phule at February 16, 2011 02:16 AM

@ Rave: YUCK!!! ;)

Posted by: Erica at February 16, 2011 06:26 AM

Rave- Yeah, I don't go there mentally with my boys. That's nasty.

Andrew- Funny you should say that. My husband said to my son, "Did you see the ones with painted on bathing suits?" and my son started to laugh and shake his head. I didn't know they had those in there!

Posted by: Bou at February 16, 2011 08:26 AM

You're a good Mom, Bou. Too many are stressed over things that are perfectly natural and pass that stress to their offspring.

Rave - Don't worry; I thought it. ;)

Posted by: pam at February 16, 2011 09:10 AM

So "he feels a little lost without football"....
My middle grandson is in good company. The 'Nole and I always go through withdrawal between the last football game and the beginning of March madness. This period of time is known as the "Dark Ages", and one of the few bright spots in the Dark Ages is the SI swimsuit issue. Just tell T-man to enjoy the eye-candy, and when the NCAA playoff ladder for March madness comes out in the sports section, he'll know that once again all's right with the world.

Posted by: Amngus of Islay at February 16, 2011 09:46 AM

I could never get into Basketball. Thank God for NASCAR though.

Posted by: Andrew Phule at February 16, 2011 09:51 AM

Does this mean I have to go out and get the boy a SI Feb issue? giggle - he says he is "shopping" for a girlfriend, much to the delight of his older sisters...

Posted by: patti at February 16, 2011 12:02 PM

Jessica Gomes is smoking hot. Also, a couple nice backside shots of Irina Shayk.

Posted by: Toluca Nole at February 16, 2011 08:37 PM

Oh Rave, you did not have to go there.

But seriously, there should be some articles in there somewhere. They used to have articles about all the havoc the photographers and models went through to get the shots. Who froze ... who got sand or critters in odd places ... which airline lost their luggage ... and lastly a promise of normal sports articles in future issues.

A couple of years they had eye candy for the wives with partially dressed players posing with their scantily clad wives. Don't know if they do that know.

And Angus, it isn't just that the sports field is quiet about now, but SI is looking to puff up their readership numbers so they can charge higher advertising rates. That one mid-February issue out sells the other 51 weekly issues so much that it really alters the average issue readership numbers.

Posted by: The Thomas at February 16, 2011 11:41 PM

They fit some writing in there. A Q&A from Dan Patrick, some bits about the locations, small interview with the photographer, chicks talking about me...stuff like that.

Posted by: Toluca Nole at February 17, 2011 04:50 PM

"(Although tortoises do the egg thing, they do mount each other for some reason as well.)" LOL! Made me think your mother hadn't explained what roosters and hens do.

Posted by: Carl Brannen at February 17, 2011 11:56 PM

@Rave: That's why my kids do their own laundry!

Posted by: Mrs. Who at February 19, 2011 09:40 AM

You handled it perfectly. My son, 25, just got married. You brought back memories! I think he saved every swimsuit issue since he was 12! Was a huge sports player in H.S. and college and was very good at all. I need to dig that box out and send it home to his new wife! Oh those stages, and so normal! Enjoy, they grow up fast and they need a great mom like you to get through the "girls", good girls and bad girls! Good Luck!!

Posted by: Cindy at February 19, 2011 10:48 AM

I've said it before and will say it again: you seem to live in your own sitcom. Between Bones' antics and comments from your middle son like "I just... can't get away from it. It's EVERYWHERE!"
Priceless. Hollywood could never dream this up.

Posted by: diamond dave at February 19, 2011 11:43 AM

.... I too remember my first swimsuit issue.... Kathy Ireland & Paulina Porizkova... I think that I had the centerfold of Paulina taped to the back of my bedroom door for a while....

Posted by: Eric at February 19, 2011 12:11 PM