March 06, 2011

No Larry the Lobster

For my son's 16th birthday, he asked for a chin-up bar. The fact he would ask for anything fitness related had me elated in general. He's not my kid who loves sports. He LOVES to paintball, run around all day long shooting at people, but in general, he doesn't love throwing/hitting/kicking a ball.

It's not his gig.

I expect he'll probably get into weight lifting at some point.

Anyway, being all of 5'3" and having a size 11 shoe and arms he swears will start dragging the Earth any dang day now, if he wants a chin-up bar to bulk up, I'm good.

So to Target I went to buy said bar. I never paid attention to the packaging, but evidently it is one of those 'As seen on TV!' dowhoppies, something about 'Get Ripped in 90 Days!'

My son set right to it and told me today his abs are sore. He was happy.

This afternoon I was coming through the house when I heard Ringo YELLING at Bones. I mean, yelling with a ferocity that I had not heard in a long time.

"And you know what you did?! You left that CHAIR in my doorway! You left it there and then last night it was DARK and when I went into my room to go to bed, I TRIPPED over it. Do you hear me?! I tripped over YOUR chair in MY doorway. MOVE IT. MOVE YOUR CHAIR. DO.NOT.KEEP it there!"

The chair? It's a little purple Little Tykes chair that somehow wasn't gotten rid of when the Little Tykes picnic table found a new home. I think the chair was hidden away since the chair had dual purpose: sitting and standing. It's used to reach tall objects.

Reaching tall objects is a struggle for all of us. I'm just as guilty of using that little purple plastic chair as the boys are. I sometimes need just six more inches to reach something. The chair gives me an entire foot!

Anyway, so Bones ran off with his little purple chair while shouting over his shoulder, "Well, Sorrrr-eeee!"

Ringo wasn't cutting him any slack. "Don't say you're sorry! Just keep that chair away from my door!"

I was at a loss then. What was with this chair?

A few hours later, I was in Ringo's room looking for something, reassessing the great adventure he and I are going to embark upon, throwing everything out and remodeling, when Bones came up to the room, planted the purple chair under the chin-up bar, held on and did exactly 1.5 chin ups.

I was impressed. I can't do one. I can do sit ups all day long and Sunday too, but pull ups? I have nearly NO upper body strength. I can complete a marathon, but I can't do a pull up.

But Bones can. He grinned at me the entire time he pulled himself up.

He hopped down, looked at me and said, "Mom, Mom, Mom, I'm going to be RIPPED in 90 days!" and he gathered his little plastic purple chair and scampered off.

I wasn't sure what to think. I think I was in too much shock. I knew that Ringo was working on chin ups, but to see my flakey, blonde haired, 65 pound 11 year old son tell me he's going to be 'Ripped in 90 days'... it made me laugh.

Holy crap.

Tonight I was sitting here answering email when his skinny self came up to me, lifted up his shirt and said, "Mom, Mom, Mom, so, do you think I'll be ripped in 90 days?"

How do you answer that? There he stood with not an ounce of fat or muscle upon his frame. Not an ounce. He is skin and connective tissue stretched over bones. Picture Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes lifting his shirt. That's Bones.

He's called Bones for a reason.

He grabbed a 1/2 inch of skin from his abs, pulled it away from his body and said, "Do you think the flab will go away?"

I started to laugh and said, 'That's not flab! Dude. That is SKIN. That is skin and connective tissue!"

Said Bones, "Why do I have so much of it?"

To which I replied, "Your body is going to stretch into it all eventually! Sheesh! And no... you won't be ripped in 90 days. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn't work that way. You dont' have enough testosterone or muscle yet to 'get ripped'"

His shoulders slumped and he said, "Well, I'm still going to try."

I told him to go for it.

Good grief. The mystery of the little purple chair in Ringo's doorway has been solved. Bones is working on getting ripped...

Posted by Boudicca at March 6, 2011 10:19 PM

Tears are streaming down my face and my stomach hurts I am laughing so hard. Please don't quit blogging.

Posted by: AC at March 8, 2011 12:55 AM

Bou - You SO struck something in getting that chin up bar!!! We have one. It went away somewhere for a while, then resurfaced when the oldest son decided he wanted to use it. Ultimately, it ended up in the door frame of the entrance to the kitchen, which is adjacent to the house entrance. EVERY male individual who comes through the front door stops and does chin ups. They just can't walk past the thing. It's amazing how much use it is getting!

Our youngest has to jump to reach it, but he still uses it. Our middle son is too tall and has to curl up his legs to use it effectively - but he still uses it. I even caught the husband using it. Me - can't do it. I have weenie arms! Embarrassingly enough, my 75-year-old mother-in-law can do several. She's pretty amazing, actually!

And I second what AC said - please don't stop blogging!!! You have the best stories! It would be like losing part of the family, even though I've never met you!

Posted by: PeggyU at March 8, 2011 01:47 AM

That's just so sweet somehow... and so definitively male. And that little purple chair! LOL!

Posted by: pam at March 8, 2011 07:22 AM

We need more Bones in the world. It would seriously be a better place... or at least a funnier place.

Last time I tried chin ups... I could do 3 underhand and 2 overhand. It was about 6 months ago. I wonder if I could do better now. LOL.

Posted by: Teresa at March 8, 2011 09:31 AM

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