May 27, 2011


I had a dream a few weeks ago where my father in law came back to life. He was standing there and I was so pissed. I said to him, "You can't be here. YOU are DEAD."

He said, "Nope, I came back to life. I wasn't really dead. Actually."

Me: That's not possible. They embalmed you. Even if you weren't dead, the embalming fluid would have killed you. You'd have died when they drained your blood."

Pop: It wasn't my time. I'm here.

Me, more furious: It's NOT right. You can't do this. You're going to confuse her. Do you know how much time I spent explaining to Olive (my niece) that you're dead and how it works? You're going to confuse her. She won't understand death. Next time someone dies, she'll expect they'll come back to life."

Pop: Not my problem.

I walked away, seriously pissed, and muttering to myself, "Great. I can't believe he's back. Now we have to deal with all his sh** and him all over again. I thought we were done."

Nice, right?

My father in law has been dead 9 months, I have a dream he comes back to life, and I'm pissed because he was such a pain in the a$$ I wanted him to stay dead.

Unlike when my mother in law died, around the same time, I had a dream that I was sleeping on a couch and when I awoke, she stood before me and we had this great conversation. Something was pulling me back to sleep and I knew that when I went back to sleep, she would leave... forever.

So I did everything to stay awake, so she'd not leave me.

And I think even the dullest knives in the drawer can plainly see how I felt about both, how I don't miss him and how I still miss her.

Makes me cry typing this... I miss her so much.

You have read here often of my Pop's best friend, Joe. They were two little old men that hung out together. Two old Italian men, knowing each other since they were kids, arguing, bantering, always together.

They were like an old married couple. They were both widowers and they did everything. When Pop was in the hospital, Joe lived there.

We call Joe all the time. My brother in law is the best about it. He calls Joe every week. We try to get him to go to dinner with us, still come to our homes. Two weeks ago, we finally succeeded and my husband and I picked up Joe and brought him to family dinner.

He cried the entire ride.

He cried with how lonely he is. He cried with how much he missed 'that old man'. He cried that he even missed how difficult he was.

He misses Pop. He is probably grieving Pop more than his wife... which is a whole other weird story of arranged marriages etc. But Pop and he had known each other for 70 years and Joe and been best friends with my mother in law since she was five.

And they're both gone. And he's alone.

Mr. T brought it up to me the other day. It was just he and I in the car when he started the conversation. Focusing in the road, I just kept talking, until I looked over and saw... he was quietly crying in my front seat.

I was horrified. I took his hand and said, "You miss Pop?" and he shook his head, choked up and said, "No. Not at all. But I hurt for Joe. He's so alone and it's so sad."

We cry for Joe.

I told him I felt certain Joe would get through this and to know that Joe probably doesn't have much longer. He is 85 and not in the best health.

And we got the call yesterday that Joe is in ICU, having taken a fall down some stairs after passing out, his body full of some unknown infection and they removed colon, and intestines, and any innard that was expendable to get rid of the infection and skin... so much skin he needs skin grafts. And they thought he'd not live.

But he did.

I lied today and told the nurses at the ICU that I was his niece. They let me in and told me not to stay more than a few minutes. I told them I had no intention of staying more than 2.

Ringo and I went. I hugged his shoulder, told him I loved him and that I'd be back every day. He knew who I was. He was alert and is intubated.

It doesn't look good. But we are hopeful that if he is to live, that it will be a good quality of life because Joe is a good man. He has no children or family in town. He treated us as his.

If Joe dies... for him... we will grieve deeply.

Posted by Boudicca at May 27, 2011 09:39 PM

I will pray.

Posted by: AC at May 27, 2011 11:20 PM

((Hugs)) You are good people.

Posted by: DogsDontPurr at May 28, 2011 12:05 AM

*hugs* I'll pray for you and your family as well as for Joe.

Posted by: vwbug at May 28, 2011 06:04 AM

Poor Joe. I hope the best for him. :(

Posted by: Erica at May 28, 2011 08:33 AM

::sits next to you and sighs::

Posted by: Roses at May 28, 2011 08:43 AM

Praying for Joe and for the wonderful friends who care so much for him.

Posted by: pam at May 28, 2011 09:48 AM

Its funny, but in a way you are his niece and he knows it. Carry on.

Posted by: The Thomas at May 28, 2011 06:14 PM

Thank you for sharing this - it makes me feel better about how I feel about my father in law. All that has gotten me through the last year of his outrageous behaviour has been "suck it up Shaz, soon he'll be dead and this will be all over". I felt terrible when the emotion I felt strongest when he came and told us he had less than twelve months to live was relief. :-(

Posted by: Shaz at May 29, 2011 09:01 PM

Shaz- It is a great inner peace when not nice people are no longer in your life. When not nice and burdensome people... leave. I feel bad for my husband. He has no father. I feel bad for my children. Their grandfather is dead. But I do not feel bad for me. And honestly, my children don't miss him... at.all. Not one bit. How incredibly sad is that?

Posted by: Bou at May 29, 2011 09:51 PM

*sigh* It's so hard to be the last one left. I've seen it happen a number of times. I'm glad he has you all around to let him know someone cares.

Posted by: Teresa at May 31, 2011 11:45 AM