June 09, 2011

Every Day Joe

Work is very stressful again. I told someone the other day, "This whole Wonder Woman invisible airplane was great in theory... until you have to maintain it."

That's where I am. Kinda stressing me out...


I've been visiting Joe every day. He looks fantastic. But I know what is really going on inside him and I suspect it will ultimately be the end of him.

There is no way they'll be able to control this infection. I know what he has, I've researched it to the nth degree. I've damaged myself having seen pictures of what this disease/infection does. I'm not in medicine. Stuff like what I saw in the pictures completely skeeves me out. There are people with iron stomachs. They become surgeons.

Note I do not have Dr. in front of my name.

I sit with him and we laugh and joke. We carry on like always. I have him talk to me about his family, what it was like in the 30s when he was growing up. Every now and then I meet someone who has known Joe since he was a kid and I can get them talking about their past. I listen.

I feed him supper when I'm there. I brought his favorite dinner the other day.

But I know what is going on. I know there really is no way he can win this... that even if he won this battle, there are more battles to come and how much can one body take?

It is wearing on me. Not him. He does not. The future for him... it wears on me. I put on a happy face and we have some serious talks, but I am the cheerleader with him.

And I txt his family up north and I let our local priest know what is going on so he can come when is needed, beyond his weekly visits.

But deep inside I know. And Father G knows. We know.

It causes me... anxiety I guess. I am anxious to realize the inevitability that is before me... a storm brewing that cannot be seen. Knowing I know... knowing he does not.

Joe is a simple man. We, the adults in the family, are more open about it now. My brother in law and I speak every day now about what needs to be done as Joe has no family down here and my brother in law understands the legalities and loves Joe as his own. We finally admitted to each other that it is the simpleness of Joe that we love. The simplicity that is him... it is a sweetness.

There are times I go to visit and he is more childlike. It's not that he's lost his mind... but this is the way he has always been.

I am hopeful. But I'm bracing myself... and I realized today after getting more of an understanding as to what's coming next week... that I am going to seriously grieve for Joe. I will grieve for him like I would have grieved for a father in law that I liked and loved... not just loved because of who he was.

Joe has always been good to me, always worried over me as I cooked for the family, always cleaned my dishes or brought fresh fruit for dessert. He laughs with my children and swears I am the best mother on Earth, although I know it's not true. He swears it to be.

I met his niece and the first thing she said to me was, "I know so much about you and I am SO happy to finally meet you!" And she said it with a sincerity that I knew that all the things Joe says to me when he hugs me good night, he tells his niece.

He is a sweet man.

I'm off for a few days on business. I'll be missing 2-3 days with him and it hurts my heart. I know he'll be fine... but it bugs me.

There should be more Joe's in this world. It would be a better place...

Posted by Boudicca at June 9, 2011 10:44 PM

.... I am so sorrry, ma'am..... but you are right.... there should be more Joes in the world.....

Posted by: Eric at June 10, 2011 06:28 AM

I'm so sorry. The good thing is that Joe is happy. I'm so glad he has you there to be his cheerleader so he doesn't have to be alone.

Posted by: Teresa at June 10, 2011 04:39 PM

dear love you are dong the best htat you can for him and it is a lot nore than many p;eople would do, just remember do the best that you can , but do nit kill your self over it, you know what the eventual out come will be so as you are doikng help ma
ke any day you see him be a good day - enjoy it and remember the good times.
But do not derate your self if you can not do every thing for him , just remember that you are doing more than most of us are able to do , and you still have three boys and a Husband who will support you and love you and drive you mad. and will aqlso be there when you need them as well.

best wishes and love


Posted by: Simon at June 10, 2011 06:42 PM

It is not possible for me to say anything that would be able to ease your sorrow, but really wanted to write 'something' because the world needs more Bous AND Joes. I wish you both as much time as is possible and when the time comes to say goodbye for now, you'll both know you were blessed to have known and loved each other during your lives. *hugs*

Posted by: Lemon Stand at June 10, 2011 07:50 PM

I'm praying for Joe, and I'm praying for you and your family. Joe is so blessed to have you and your family to love and care for him. (and I think you are all blessed to have Joe in your lives).

Posted by: Mary at June 10, 2011 10:50 PM