July 24, 2011

The Future

I stumbled across an interesting article on ADHD and it's effect on mothers and mother/child relationships, today.

... and it pretty much summed a good bit of it up.

It is summer and I'm still riding on the edge. It's not like it was by the end of school, but I'm still a mess inside, just waiting for it all to come unraveled. I clumsily joke sometimes that it's a form of 'Mother PTSD from having an ADHD child...'

We were in Pensacola playing a game. I was the 'it' person and everyone had to pick from a group of movies as to which one best fit me. I picked The Muppet Movie since one of my big lines at home is "I live with clowns". Everyone else picked... "High Anxiety". Everyone else would be all three of my kids and my sister.

And I am high anxiety. I'm anxious right now as I post this. There is too much uncertainty in my life, too much chaos, too much I can't control.

All of it is... too much.

Part of it is still not knowing EXACTLY what high school Mr. T will be attending in four weeks, although that decision will be made one way or another in the next six days. Everyone else has moved to the next step while I've been stuck in some sort of limbo waiting and wondering and... anxious for him.

Part of it is my eldest, stuff I don't post on and won't ever post on, but just know that he stresses me out, beyond teaching him to drive. It is being 16 and I'll leave it at that.

But most of it is my youngest and his ADHD. It is a constant flux of good grades, bad grades, good behaviour, bad behaviour, big energy, angry energy, happy energy... ROLLER COASTER ride.

Living with him is like living on a perpetual roller coaster. We are so blessed that he's at the school he's in... so far it has been such a perfect fit, but I look to the future and know high school is going to be tough. The last two years of his middle school are going to be tough.

As great a fit as this new school is, there were still failed tests, notes from teachers, incidents at school. He didn't pass the FCAT in math. There were many blind sided moments. Many. And I hate those. I don't cope well with being blind sided.

I spend a lot of time wondering when the other shoe will drop. I never take a good day and just embrace it. I do that with my oldest two boys... with them on a good day, we relish and look to the next. But with Bones... there is not embracing the good moments and looking for the next. With Bones I take in the good feelings of the good moments and then look over my shoulder to try to get a gauge on what's coming from behind me to ruin it all.

It is like living with perpetual mood swings. It is not uncommon for him to do something fantastic, to get some great grade, only for me to receive an email from a teacher five seconds later telling me he hasn't turned in homework for two weeks.

It is like this... nearly every day, sometimes its an hourly event.

And it has taken a toll on me. I am damaged.

I love my children. I spend hundreds of hours volunteering at their schools, I am their biggest cheerleaders, I spend hundreds of hours helping with homework, I lose sleep over them.

But when it is time for them to leave home, I will not cry. I will be ready for the next phase of my life. That's what's supposed to happen. You raise them to be contributing members of society, able to hold good relationships, and stand on their own.

It is how it is to be.

And when it happens... I'll be off the rollercoaster. It will be a quiet house with level emotion.

I will be ready.

Posted by Boudicca at July 24, 2011 02:31 PM

*hugs* hang in there... I need someone to hang with me on that side of the cliff.

Posted by: vwbug at July 24, 2011 05:23 PM

At least you don't have a houseful of teenage daughters. Oh, the drama!

Posted by: diamond dave at July 24, 2011 06:38 PM

Yes, it is a crazy ride during this time. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to ride those highs because a damn tidal wave or whirlpool will be there to suck it all away.

But...you will get through it. They will get through it. The hardest thing is you can't relax because you *know* there are easier ways for them to get by, but you *know* it ain't gonna happen...

But when high school is over, it does get better. Especially if they go off to college/move out/join the military/whatever. Then you aren't suffering the day-to-day anxiety and they're learning to handle it on their own.

You are giving them that base right now to learn how to handle it 'in the real world'. Even though it doesn't feel like it, you are. So hang in there, hang strong, and it will be okay. Maybe not the way you'd want it for them, but it will be okay for them AND you.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at July 24, 2011 07:21 PM

I get all that. I never thought I'd make it through. Quite honestly I expected the very worst every day. I don't know how my kids put up with me and I have no idea how I made it.

It was the era before internet - I had no one around I could even ask - Is this normal? It was just one day at a time and praying the police didn't show up at my house. Ha!

Now the kids are grown, they are living on their own and my life is... even. I like even. So I know exactly what you mean. One day at a time. It's all you can do - and you're doing far better than I did!

Posted by: Teresa at July 26, 2011 07:52 PM

unsure if it helps, I am right there with you...I'm insane, but I am here

Posted by: awtm at July 28, 2011 03:58 PM

I have also had to epiphany that one of mine might never be able to leave....I am trying to get him there, but in a small corner of my mind I have had to accept that one.

Posted by: awtm at July 28, 2011 04:00 PM