August 03, 2011

Dainty and Sweet Won't Come Into Play

My son was driving the other day and made a mistake (I'll get to that) and I said something (the reason of this post) that upon reflection of the entire last two weeks of my fine tuning his driving skills made me fully understand that my children may very well start their own blog one day entitled "$hit my Mom says".

Yeah, I'm going to be some female version of that Dad. And I think that their wives are going to hate me. They're going to hear the tales and say things like, "OMG. I cannot BELIEVE your MOTHER talked to you like that."

So Ringo and I were driving and this was pretty much the conversation, one way... as in what I said.

Me: Look, you have to pay attention to everyone around you. You have to be prepared for their a$$hole moment. Nobody drives expecting to be an a$$hole, at least not most. But someone does something stupid, they aren't paying attention, they play with the radio, they cut you off, they go too slow and you're thinking to yourself, "What an a$$hole". They may not normally be an a$$hole, but YOU just caught them in their a$$hole moment and YOU have to be prepared that everyone around you could conceivably have an a$$hole moment and you have to figure out how to deal. Be prepared. Watch out for people's a$$hole moments."

He didn't say anything.

Flash forward, the other day I was taking him home a different way. (This is that part I mentioned at the beginning that I'd be getting to...) He had to get ahead of a guy to make a stoplight, or he had to slow down, and he didn't do either very well and he kind of sort of cut the guy off while in a panic to make a decision.

Me: You cut him off.

Ringo: I didn't mean to!

Me: Dude, you could have missed this light and made a Uturn or slowed down and gotten behind him.

Ringo: I didn't mean to cut him off!

Me: Of course you didn't, but that was your a$$hole moment. He thinks YOU are an a$$hole, and whereas we both know you aren't, HE thinks you are, because YOU just had your a$$hole moment. You gotta pay attention. Be aware. Think ahead. It's OK to slow it down and back in behind someone. Be aware of what could be your a$$hole moment and avoid it.

Ringo looking in his rear view mirror: He's way back there now.

Me: Of course he is. You cut him off, granted you had one and half car lengths, but you cut him off. Avoid your a$$hole moments.

I was thinking about this again today. I wonder if it's going to come back to bite me. Or if he'll be drinking beer one day with his buddies and reminiscing about childhood moments will come back and he'll say, "Yeah, you should have heard my Mother's philosophy when she was teaching me to drive, "Be prepared for everyone's a$$hole moment and avoid your own a$$hole moments."

I don't exactly sound like Mother of the year...

Posted by Boudicca at August 3, 2011 09:25 PM

Teaching your kid how to avoid being an a$$hole instead of how to be one intentionally? You're alright in my book

Posted by: Erica at August 3, 2011 09:42 PM

I was thinking... the word jerk would have come across so much better. It was just this impulsive stream of consciousness... and Jerk didn't come into my head.

Posted by: Bou at August 3, 2011 09:58 PM

My little sister is wonderful. So anyway, I'm now housesitting for them while they've gone abroad for the year but just before she/they left, she and I and her oldest boy went to a parking lot where he could practice drive. Bloody painful. It seems so easy and natural and he turned it into a complete disaster and got worse as we went on. I was asked for advice, "park". Didn't seem to work. This was a guy that could only just barely keep from running into parked cars. They are spending the year in Oslo sans car so he's going to come back here and try to drive.

I don't get it. He's nephew number 3, 18, graduated high school, accepted to college and NEVER DROVE. At 15 I had my permit, the forbearance of my parents and the day I turned 16 was at the DMV with my Gebertsikinde demanding a drivers license. Nephews 1 and 2 waited until they were 20. #4 waited until 17 but he's wrecked 4 cars since then.

As usual, hang on, and yes, he'll talk about the $sshole moment speeches you give downstream. Who could not?

Posted by: Curtis at August 4, 2011 01:46 AM

He'll remember the a$$hole speech far longer than he would a jerk speech. And he will actually love telling that story as he gets older. BTW, you're a great mom.

Posted by: sticks at August 4, 2011 04:31 AM

Just tell me he parks better than you do! *snicker* I will have to remember this speech for my kids!

Posted by: vwbug at August 4, 2011 05:45 AM

What I'm trying to remember is if his buddy was in the car for the first speech. We were definitely alone for the second. But his buddy since kindergarten, the one that took him to the gym when we had that really bad spell, he may have been in the car.

With this friend... he gets me completely raw and uncensored and I think it's because this one friend of his uses me as a confessor and asks me for advice. In turn he gets my full on personality, whereas with Ringo's other friends, I try to couch it.

I mean, this friend has me listed in his phone as Mom#2.

I'll have to post one of our conversations... it'll go under $hit my Mom said stories.

Posted by: Bou at August 4, 2011 06:30 AM

This cracked me up. I'm gonna pass it along to MY mom. I feel nervous anytime I'm in the passenger seat, no matter how good the driver is, so I can't imagine teaching someone else to drive. You're a brave woman.

Posted by: George P at August 4, 2011 08:03 AM

Curtis ... Take him to Finland instead. :)

Posted by: PeggyU at August 4, 2011 11:29 AM

I probably would have used the term jacka$$, since that's what I call everyone when they have their moment.

And remember, you're the cool mom.

Posted by: Tina at August 4, 2011 02:12 PM

OK! I am stealing this line!!!! I love it! A$$hole flows off the tongue much easier than jerk, so I won't think of censoring it. Plus, I curse like a sailor anyway!
Don't kid yourselves, our children will remember lines like this one and will use it on their kids.... only then will you have the last laugh! You're awesome Bou!

Posted by: jd at August 4, 2011 10:14 PM

It's perfect and I say this because it's something I would have said to my son. In fact, I 'm sure I said much worse. And Sticks is right, he'll remember a$$hole much longer than he would remember jerk.

Posted by: Michelle M at August 5, 2011 09:18 AM

I still remember the day I slipped up. It was very rare for me to drive my toddler without her mother in the car too. I kind of forgot I had a 2 year old back there when I got cut off by some low life pond scum and gave vent to the normal sort of language one uses in those moments, when driving alone. Oops.

That whole little pitchers, big ears? I think she was asleep. She has never used any of that language, yet.

Posted by: Curtis at August 5, 2011 04:55 PM


Classic story in this family. My eldest was probably 3 years old... maybe a bit younger. I remember only because I know what kind of car I was driving at the time. He was very verbal, my husband was out on business, and I decided to do McDonald's for dinner.

We were in the parking lot and it was complete pandemonium. I think it was the beanie baby craze. Nobody was watching where they were going, everyone was just pulling out. Some crazy guy having a huge a$$hole moment, pulled out, fast, not looking and I said, "You..."

And I heard a sweet little voice in the back say, "f*cking a$$Hole. Watch what where you're going!"

Gah! I was aghast! Love to blame that one on someone else...

Holy cats. That made me much more aware...

Posted by: Bou at August 5, 2011 08:59 PM