September 27, 2011

More Stories with Bones

Bones really does deserve his own category.

Two weeks ago he had class pictures. In private school, a company comes in, snaps the picture, a week later we get proofs with a choice of one from two shots, I send in money and my selection and a couple weeks following, we have pictures.

In public school something comes home telling you to pick a pose, a background, a package, and to pre-pay and then they'll take your kid's picture and a couple weeks later you get the package, good, bad or indifferent.

Which is fine, it worked last year, except we're talking about Bones and information is not always forthcoming. This is a theme you will see in this post.

Bones is the scattershot of thought.

He came home one day and said, 'Pictures are TOMORROW!' Said I, "Where is the order form?" Said he, "*blink*"

So I went on line and looked at the school site to gather some sort of information. Fortunately, Middle Schools seem to be inundated with Scattershots of Thought, so they put the pricing information on-line... but they didn't put the package.

I wrote him a check, put on a separate sheet of paper what package I wanted and said, "You know what pose we pick."

After seven years. Same pose.

Pictures came home today. I have no clue what his choices for poses were but before he handed them to me he said, 'Mom. I REALLY thought I picked the right pose. It LOOKED like the right pose..."

He handed me the photos and there was this BIG FACE photo. I mean... the 8x10 has him 1/2 from the top of the page, perfectly centered, BIG BIG Zoomed in face. Big.

I busted out laughing.

He shook his head and I said, "Forever we will remember this year as the Big Face Year, the year Bones picked the pose..."

Holy cats.


Bones has a science project. He must enter the science fair. I'm in charge of math with Bones, but my husband is in charge of all the other classes because I can't handle the stress and I'm the one that does all the tutoring. My husband keeps up with the tests and projects, I help Bones learn.

Evidently Bones told his Dad last week that this project was due 28 September. No paper, no nothing, nothing is online, just Bones writing in his planner, "Due the 28th".

Information is not always forthcoming with Bones.

Come Sunday, after we came back in town, it was realized that nothing had been started... and the 28th is Wednesday. I kept saying, "Are we sure it's SEPTEMBER 28th and not OCTOBER 28th?" My husband replied, "Look, I only know what's in Bones' planner and he wrote the 28th" to which Bones replied to both of us, insulted we would question, 'IT IS SEPTEMBER!"

Fine. Big debate then ensued as to what kind of bread might mold the quickest given breads have so many preservatives to keep them from... molding... and it was decided that I should go with the Publix deli bread. We can't keep it in the breadbox for more than three days before it turns green.

Out I ran to pick up white and whole grain deli bread for this is the science experiment... which molds faster and under what condition.

We have slices of bread all over the dang house. It's in the light, in the dark, it's wet, it's dry, it's on the porch. It's like some sick Dr. Seuss book for 7th grade science kids, "Will you keep it here or there? I will keep it everywhere. Will your bread mold under your bed? It will mold under the bed, in the dark and in a shed!"

But now we're in a state of panic because it must mold by Wednesday, with presentation on Friday. I kept saying, 'I don't get it... he doesn't have science on Wed or Fri." (He has block scheduling... LOVE IT!)

We must get this bread to mold and we must have enough pictures to support the project and we have Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning if we push it to the limit.

Yesterday (Monday) evening my husband is with Bones. They're in the kitchen taking pictures of bread, all of which have been labeled and are mold free. After all, it has only been 24 hours.

My husband looks at him and says, "I'm going to move it around and you take second set of pictures. We need to make it look like we've been doing this a lot longer than two days."

Bones stood there looking at him, camera in hand, and then he said, 'I don't feel comfortable with this. It's cheating."

The house went silent. This coming from a boy who was born taking the truth and stretching it beyond all limits known to man. This is a boy who would call a tall tale by another name... The Truth.

My husband stood looking down at him incredulously. I stood there feeling the laughter rising up from within.

"I don't feel comfortable with this... It's cheating," he said again, to which my husband by now has nearly blown a gasket and says very loudly, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND? Cheating? I'm trying to keep you from FAILING because you've done NOTHING on this project. And you're worried about a second set of pictures being CHEATING, "Mr. Can lie to me with a straight face"? ARE YOU NUTS?!"

A busted out laughing then. I'm still laughing. A second set of pictures was taken to try to add more data, and they will get thrown out because the project is due OCTOBER 28th.

As I suspected.

Let the molding begin...

Posted by Boudicca at September 27, 2011 07:58 PM

Hmmmm...I remember a science project with your younger sister.... hmmm. She "baked " a bunch of roly poly bugs in a small aquarium. Bones is in good company when he's with his aunty.

Posted by: Angus of Jura at September 27, 2011 09:07 PM

Dad, Don't think for a minute when I was writing this that I wasn't thinking of Mo's Roly Poly science experiment... Heh.

Posted by: Bou at September 27, 2011 09:20 PM

Okay, I know Bones picked the pose and whatnot, but shouldn't the photographer have been enough of a professional to realize that the parents might not want a photo like that?

Posted by: Andrew Phule at September 27, 2011 10:10 PM

Ah, science fair. My eldest realised the night before the fair that he had yet to start. The project, best trash bag. We were out on the sidewalk at 11 o'clock at night trying to measure the same amount of water into different brand trash bags and then drag them up and down the street to determine strength. Yah, he won.

Posted by: AC at September 28, 2011 02:47 AM

Wait a minute!!! I did not put mine off. I just didn't know what to feed them. It was a perfectly good concept...if they had food.

Posted by: Morrigan at September 28, 2011 08:39 AM

Oh, Lord. Science projects.

Oldest son had the caveman spear which it turns out was pretty good at piercing drywall. And then there was the model of Mt. Baker (our neighborhood volcano). It was constructed using an elevation map of the mountain, and apparently our reproduction was sufficiently "accurate". Daughter and I were up until 4 am ... actually saw the sun rising over Mt. Baker ... as we were working on the thing. Papier mache stuck all over a chicken wire skeleton. Only problem is, it wouldn't stick! We ended up getting creative with the ingredients. We were so tired we started laughing at anything and everything. I was immensely grateful for the science teacher! He actually loved the model and asked to keep it. I should invite him to have a look at the other school projects we've got stashed around here ...

Posted by: PeggyU at September 28, 2011 03:33 PM

And then there was Morrigan's project on stars that used dryer lint to represent a burned out super nova. Nice touch.

Posted by: Angus of Jura at September 28, 2011 04:45 PM

OMG! Bou, you REALLY should post a spew alert before these Bones posts (and the comments!). I'm crying here, picturing the class pictures, and the science project! Thanks for the giggles!

Posted by: Mary at September 28, 2011 09:11 PM

@Mary: The title is "More Stories with Bones" how much more of an alert do you need?

Posted by: Andrew Phule at September 28, 2011 09:40 PM

Andrew- You'd think... except it was actually one of the options, so SOMEONE does. Just not this family. Big FACE. BIG.

AC- I think you win. I can't quit laughing at the thought of hauling trash bags full of water. We have one we have to do next year... holy crap.

Mo- And considering how many years ago, and there was no internet to look up rolypoly food... you might get a pass.

Peggy- I'm telling you now, if I'm up at 4AM working on ANYONE'S science project... I won't be laughing! You are a far better person than I!

Dad- I remember that one too! But didn't you think of this crap for her?

Mary- I gotta scan in that picture. I know it's prolly illegal, but I have to take a picture to show y'all. And when he hid it at first and said, "Mom..." I thought he was going to apologize for having such long hair in it. He didn't get his hair cut until AFTER the picture. So I thought he was going to say, "Mom, you were right. I should have had my haircut first..." But no... it was "Mom, I really thought I picked the right pose..." Good Grief.

There is concern at work, my coworkers know the moldy bread story... my life keeps them entertained... they come by and ask for stories sometimes... there is concern that not all of the bread will be remembered and I could end up with bread in my house, hidden and moldy for months to come. it was suggested someone make a map of all the places he put the bread. Because... we're talking about Bones.

Posted by: Bou at September 28, 2011 10:13 PM

I can tell you from personal experience, that this is not an unfounded concern. Also, Bones will not understand the need at all, untill 3 weeks from now he is fininshing up the report, replete with the ins and outs of his 5 data points and Bou points out - Bones, didn't your original means and methods have 6 data points? Yes this happened, not mold - yeast. It was awesome.

Posted by: Web at September 29, 2011 06:27 AM

Mom was the creative one- she came up with the lint. I think she helped me paint the styrofoam balls too.

Posted by: Morrigan at September 29, 2011 07:27 AM