October 08, 2011

Ugly October

This week has been hell on wheels. I told my Tech Lead on Friday, "Life won this week. I'm toast."

Between the kids, work, Joe, and other stuff... I spent most of the week not able to sleep or in high anxiety. I didn't have time to go to the gym, so there wasn't even time to try and work off the angst.

My Tech Lead, if everything goes as it should in this world, is probably going to be promoted. He asked me if I was going to apply for his job, which I answered with a prompt, 'Absolutely not'.

As I walked away, he said to me, "You're the most qualified person for the job..." to which I retorted, "Management doesn't care..."

He wants me to take it though as we work together well and he trusts me. He needs someone he can trust. After 25 years, we're like an old married couple. I can sense when he's in a bad mood and stay away.... or at least don't poke at him too much, and vice versa. We can finish each other's sentences practically and although my big line for him is, "It doesn't matter how loud you think, I still can't hear you..." that's not actually true. Usually I can tell what he's thinking.

There is something to be said for having a good working relationship with someone like that.

This will be the second job in three months that I've pretty much said, 'No. I won't.' My eldest is still pissed I didn't pursue the first job further, but I think he just wanted bragging rights. 'Oh yeah, well listen to what MY Mom does..." But life is too stressful as it is and that job would have thrown me over the edge. Honestly, I'm not a very good parent. Stress me out any further, and it could be detrimental to my kids. That's not fair.

What has happened to me that what I would have perceived as GREAT career moves, coming my way, I'm deftly batting aside and emphatically saying No to?

I'm beat. I'm just tired. And I'm in survival mode. I just need to pay bills at this point. I won't ever run the world and I've lost the desire to. I just want to... survive it.

Things with Joe have taken a turn for the ugly worse. He survived Fournier's Gangrene (if you google it, don't look at the pix. Don't say I didn't warn you.), but he may not survive the insurance company and how he's now a throw away person that they are dumping on the streets to fend for himself, although he now can no longer bathe himself, get out of a chair, cook for himself, or dress himself, let alone use a urinal, and he doesn't know how to change his colostomy bag.

None of that matters. All that matters is he can walk 75 feet with a walker. They're done. Gone he is... without a lick of OT.

What a mess and I can't even post all that has happened in the last week because it's such a long awful story and because... I'm too tired.

I came up with a solution for the family. They can't afford to come down and get him from NJ, so I'm working on getting him up there. I suspect by the end of the week he'll be in NJ. His niece, who has taken the brunt of it up there, gave me all the reasons it wouldn't work, and I in turn explained how I'd worked out the logistics already in my head. I had an answer for every potential pitfall, having given this considerable thought.

Problem solving... it's what I do. I just wish I could get paid more doing it.... working for a better company... with a boss who respected me. Maybe one day my TL will be the big boss. That would be grande...

I went to the gym today and powered through the elliptical until I thought I might puke.

Best running type music ever... I kept it at a steady 200 strides per minute to this...

Posted by Boudicca at October 8, 2011 10:44 PM

I don't belong to a gym, but when I want to get out the angst, I work in the yard. I have a crazy yard full of butterfly plants and vines that need to be kept under control. Not to mention trees that need to be kept trimmed. So I get out the ladder and the saw and the electric trimmer and I swoosh through all the extraneous growth, slash here and there......I'm 55 and overweight, so when I'm done, I've had a really good aerobic workout. Last week I made a second vegetable garden bed - just the hammering of thick long nails into 1" wood was quite aerobic. I know what you mean - and physical exercise to the point of exhaustion is just what the Dr. ordered.

Posted by: suze at October 8, 2011 11:57 PM

You are the only one who knows the limits of your life and sanity. Promotions sound good, but what if they turn out to be detrimental to your health?

Slashing and burning through yard work is what works for me... planned on a weekend of it, but the rain spoiled that.

Posted by: pam at October 9, 2011 05:58 AM

Bou, your stress must be radiating off of you. Friday night, I dreamed of you and your family. I dreamed bones was QB of a high school football team and seriously injured his leg in a game, and you weren't at that game because you had just received news that Joe had passed. I was very stressed out on your behalf in that dream.

Funny how the blogs I read color my dreams.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at October 9, 2011 08:21 AM

Suze- yardwork is an EXCELLENT work out... and you're creating. There is more to it than just sweating in a yard. You have a huge sense of accomplishment. I love butterfly gardens! Eventually we'll get it right here. Last time we turned ours into a buffet for birds. EVERY caterpillar. The boys were aghast!

Pam- Girl... I don't know how you do it in this heat, granted this weekend was not so hot, but rainy. I go out with the boys sometimes and I can last about an hour. You must have to get up EARLY.

Writersblock- Good Lord. I think I'm feeling bad that the stress of my life has permeated to yours! Gah! I'll tell you... it is so stressful, or was this week... that I had to do a 100% compartmentalization. If I was at one place, I couldn't talk about the other. So when a friend of mine asked me about the boys while I was at work I had to say, "I can't. I can't talk about home while I'm here or I'll freak. I can only handle so much stress in one place..." It wasn't a good week at home.

In the end... it will all be fine. I'll get Joe to NJ, the boys will get through whatever it is that I'm not posting, and work will continue to provide me a paycheck, even if it's the most stressful job I've ever had and makes me worry my hair will fall out.

On a happy note, Bones is learning a monologue for school that absolutely cracks me up. If I can get it taped... for the first time ever, I'll post a vid of Bones. He's my son... he makes me laugh.

Posted by: Bou at October 9, 2011 08:47 AM

Few things hit the spot better for stress release than a little AC/DC. Great musical choice. :)

Posted by: diamond dave at October 9, 2011 05:18 PM

Angus cures every ill.
Wishing you some peace...

Posted by: Leigh at October 10, 2011 03:11 PM