October 23, 2011

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

My boys think I'm a nut. I know it and I'm Ok with it. Mostly, they try to hide it from me. Or they roll their eyes.

I heard from the backseat of my car today, "That's something Mom would do..." And when I queried as to what this was, I was met with blank faces and nobody willing to fess up.

I'm betting it wasn't something I would find flattering.

They tease a lot.

I spend a lot of time researching the physiology of how the body handles food... trying to understand why my body operates the way it does. I read, I try new things, I watch for effects.

And the boys just know... this is how Mom is. In the last few years, I have finished a marathon, completed 2 or 3 half marathons, joined an organic fruit and vegetable co-op, lost 26 pounds in a very cool but restrictive diet, and have started to experiment with other ways of eating.

During this journey, most of what you all have read about, I nearly crippled myself, most of my IBS has gone away, realized my family hates Kale, gained 10 of the 26 back as I try to adjust to what I can really eat, and have realized I'm probably developing an allergy to seafood. (That bugs me.)

The boys watch all of this and sometimes laugh and sometimes don't, in particular when they have to participate, like during the organic fruit/vegetable co-op gig when we realized that anything you hate can be turned into bread.

I have again eliminated all processed whites from my diet. It is hard to do, but it's really how my body functions best. I've realized my body absolutely cannot choke down regular vanilla Greek yogurt, but the stuff with fruit I can eat for a snack and not yak.

The latest is I've been trying to find a shake I can eat in the morning. I wanted to make my own and not buy a mix. I found the Dr. Oz has a breakfast blaster and thought, "Hmmm... I could try this..."

So off to the healthfood store I went, Bones in tow, to find a protein I could put in, realizing I need to stay away from soy. Whey was the protein of choice.

We meandered through, looking at labels, comparing items when I settled on whey protein that might work. But I had other ingredients to find... Flaxseed oil and psyllium seed husk. WTF?

I found a guy who worked there, someone who'd offered to help me earlier. He looked at the whey protein Bones had and said, "Girlfriend. WHAT are YOU doin'?"

Very gay, very black, very funny. He made the whole trip. Bones keeps imitating him.

So I explained what I was looking for and he said, "OK, girl, you are looking to do that Dr. Oz breakfast..." to which I said, "Yes, so I want to buy everything in SMALL quantities in the event that I can't choke this crap down. I don't want to be stuck with choking it down for year..."

He said, "Well, you are talking to the right guy. I know colons..."

To which I didn't know whether to spit or blink. Gah!

He continued, "You do know this is all high fiber stuff, right?"

I replied, "Yeah, I'm wondering..."

And this is the part Bones likes to quote, "You'll be clean as a whistle..."

You can't make this stuff up. I said to my Dad, "You know you've arrived when you're talking about cleaning yourself out with a loud gay black man in the middle of a health food store and you're way OK with it..."

I bought my items and as I did he said, "You drink this stuff fast. This fiber will absorb the water and you'll be choking it down otherwise." He looked at Bones and said, "You make sure you eat yourself breakfast. Your Mama will tell me if you don't. I'll come to your HOUSE and MAKE You breakfast. Let me tell you, it's a scary thing when a black man comes to your house to make breakfast..."

Bones fell out laughing.

We got in Publix for me to buy the fruit and Bones said to me, 'Life was really good until Dr. Oz came into it. What a mess..."


Here's to my not having to choke down this shake in the morning...

Posted by Boudicca at October 23, 2011 09:29 PM

Here's hoping your whistle doesn't clean itself at an inopportune time.

Posted by: AC at October 24, 2011 12:27 AM

Okay, not only would I exclusively shop there (and thus lose weight from all the food I wouldn't be able to eat cause that stuff is expensive) that man would be my new best friend.

Posted by: Andrew Phule at October 24, 2011 12:51 AM

LMAO!!! You go girl....

Posted by: vwbug at October 24, 2011 04:58 AM

A loudmouth gay black man coming into your home to cook breakfast for Bones. That one as all the trappings of a sitcom episode...

Posted by: diamond dave at October 24, 2011 11:20 AM

Dammit. "HAS all the trappings of a sitcom episode..." My brain isn't linking to my fingers properly this morning. Feel free to edit, if you wish.

Posted by: diamond dave at October 24, 2011 11:22 AM

I started Chia seeds. And...yeah, I heard it from Dr. Oz.


Posted by: Rave at October 24, 2011 05:18 PM

With friends like these ...

Isn't it amazing how many interesting people you come across?

Posted by: The Thomas at October 24, 2011 09:10 PM

I think that guy was one of the funniest guys I'd ever met. That particular store is not near my house. I was just down in that end of the county. I may start going there just because he was funny and cool.

Chia seeds... someone talked about adding them to this shake, but this shake is so seedy already!

Posted by: Bou at October 25, 2011 05:57 AM

That guy sounds hilarious! The coolest guy in my store is in his 70s and only cool because he knows where everything is! ;)

I've heard of Dr. Oz but that's about it; his name. But I'm looking for low fat stuff... about to go out of my mind trying to get enough low fat protein...

Posted by: pam at October 25, 2011 07:41 AM

Chia seed nutrition numbers:

Posted by: Rave at October 25, 2011 08:42 AM