June 08, 2012

Talking the Talk

Some of my newer readers may not know this, but I didn't always blog here. I blogged elsewhere, back in June... 2004. My kids were much smaller, there was much more blog fodder, and at times things were really really funny.

VW and I went to dinner tonight and she had me watch the funniest dang video I think I've seen in a long time. So if you've not seen it, you need to watch it in its entirety because you will laugh.

And from my old blog, I have resurrected my post, about having THE talk witih my then nine year old, who is now 17.

Video first, old post last. Have fun.

THE Talk... Yes... It Happened It was inevitable. He is 9. Yes… it happened. He and I… Had.The.Talk. I know, ladies and gentlemen, we've suspected it would happen soon and I told you I would blog on it... and it did happen. Good news is his siblings were not in the car. The other good news is I wasn’t barreling down I-95 at 75MPH only to nearly have a heart attack, crashing us into a canal, killing us both from impact or drowning. Yeah, I consider that a bonus.

We were in the parking lot of KFC, having just pulled in when he tells me of this word he heard. It was F*ck and he’s heard it before, but I believe he heard it from a kid or something and now he was questioning. That’s cool, I want him to question me. I can tell him what is appropriate vs. not appropriate. So it went something like this:

Me: Do you know what it means?
Son: Nope. But I want to.
Me: It’s a nasty trashy word for having sex. (pause as he has this totally blank look on his face) Do you know what sex is?
Son: Yeah, I know what that is.
Me: (Trying to figure out if he read it, figured it out, or if someone told him.) Ok. But I need to know what you think it is.
Son: It’s when a man goes into a restaurant and takes off his shirt.
Me: Wha????
Son: Yeah, you know takes off all his clothes.
Me: Son, that is called getting naked in a restaurant, which is illegal btw, that is not sex.

Now… I COULD NOT allow my 9 ½ year old to walk around thinking that getting naked in a restaurant was having sex. Of course I wanted to laugh. How in the hell did he assimilate that?! So… I had to tell him. I just said no, that’s not what it was and I was very scientific as I tend to be, explaining how men are different, women are different, mating, sperm, eggs, Voila… baby.

I don’t know what he was thinking. He wasn’t embarrassed, but his face was kind of blank, like it took, but didn’t make sense. Finally he said, “Did Dad do this?” to which I replied, “Yes he did.”

That was his big question: Did Dad do this? Which reminded me of when my Mom told me and I looked at her and said, “You did this THREE times? You must really love us” and Mom feeling worthy of more hero worship said, “Oh, yes I did!” Of course we all laugh about the story now, of how she sacrificed herself three whole times just to have us. What a riot.

It is all the perspective of the gender you are, so that was his thing… had his Dad done it. Damn, if the boy only knew.

Of course I explained about being older, wanting children, and NOT talking about this to his friends and siblings, all topics I will keep open and continue to add to… but I needed to add levity so I said, “Do you remember the time we went to visit Aunt and I took you to that farm and you showed me that donkey giving that other donkey a piggy back ride?”
He said, “Yeeeeaaahhh.”
I replied, “They weren’t giving piggy back rides. That’s how animals have sex.”
He laughed hysterically and then I said, “And do you remember when we were at dinner and you said to Big Daddy (their name for TGOO) that you saw a donkey giving a piggy back ride to another donkey and he raised his eyebrow, looked at me and said, “oooooohhh, reeeallly?””.

Then I said, “And do you remember last spring when we went to Lion Country Safari and you and your brothers kept talking about how all the animals were playing giving piggy back rides to one another and Mimi and Big Daddy and I just sat there? Well, they weren’t playing piggy back ride… they were mating.”

So now he is laughing so hard, there are tears nearly streaming down his face as he realizes all that has been happening and what he thought. I’m laughing too.

But honestly, I think I am laughing the most at the thought of one day, his sitting around with a bunch of friends saying, “Oh yeah, and how did YOU find out” and his replying, “Well… I was in our mini van with my Mom in the parking lot at Kentucky Fried Chicken, wondering what the word F*ck meant…”

And to add a sidenote to this, an update if you will, my sister, Mo, and I were talking shortly thereafter and she said, "You do know that he's going to think that people do it doggy style, that everyone does it like animals..."

To which I replied something like, "I don't care. I did my job. Let him figure out like the rest of the men in the world do. He can find Playboys or something..." and I washed my hands of it.

Now that he's 17, I haven't the guts to ask him, "So, Ringo, tell me, do you think that people only do it doggy style?"

There are some places you just...do...not... go.

Posted by Boudicca at June 8, 2012 09:11 PM

I know I did not read it 8 years ago, so you have told this story before.

You probably reprized it after Mr T or prior to when you thought Bones would ask.

Posted by: The Thomas at June 8, 2012 10:21 PM

I did. I linked it when each of the boys had their own story. Each of them handled it... so differently!

Posted by: Bou at June 9, 2012 05:43 AM

I still laugh when I think about this.

Posted by: vwbug at June 9, 2012 06:46 AM

Seriously, that is the funniest dang video. I kept laughing harder.

Posted by: Bou at June 9, 2012 09:40 AM

That video rocks...!! "Mom do you think there are any videos of humans mating on the internet..?"

Posted by: P'cola Titan at June 9, 2012 09:31 PM

Oh that was classic, 'OH... no. Because... humans are so private...' VW and I busted out laughing again.

Posted by: Bou at June 9, 2012 10:43 PM

I'm glad I stopped eating the popcorn before I choked to death while watching that video.

Posted by: AC at June 10, 2012 05:12 AM

Sitting in my hotel room in KC (alone, thankfully)laughing like a loon remembering the original story, and sitting in my living room in our townhouse in Pasadena, reading it out loud to my husband and giggling like 12 year olds.

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